Afrisonet: Dear Bunmi (Relationships, Family, Sex and Life, Romance...) : The humiliating experience of being jilted

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Dear Bunmi,

The humiliating experience of being jilted
At 28, still a virgin and no girlfriend
Dumped by a heartless colleague
Should I go for this junior staff?
He won't take no for an answer
Hubby preying on neighbourhood girls
How do I resume making love?
Should married men have platonic friendships?
My life is falling apart!
Does she think I'm too old for her?
Dad married late mum's best friend
Should I tell her husband?
Hubby got my daughter pregnant
She's pregnant for man who raped me!
Is my boss ashamed of me?
I need to let him know I fancy him!
Friend tried to snatch my man
In love with a married mum
Why is he always texting in the toilet?
I prefer him as a lover
I need to break off with this old lover
Sister finds it difficult to cope with her divorce
He seems to like large-breasted women
Could he be cheating?
I live in fear my past could catch up with me
She’s harassing me because I dumped her
He's too big it hurts!
Is alcohol really good for a diabetic?
Afraid to dump this adulterer
I don’t feel sex is fun any more
Should I go for no string s3x?
He wants the kids to spend Xmas with him and the rich new wife
My friend's hubby is hot!
In love with my dead friend's husband
Confused about losing virginity
Four inches organ: Can I get her pregnant being this small?
I'm tempted to stray with my sales reps
All I want now is just sex
I'm Not Sure I Love Him
My brother-in-law says he’s dying to go to bed with me
Is it safe to dye my pubic hair? Ageing woman asks
‘I woke to feel my cousin’s hand under my nightie’
How can I stop cheating my boyfriend?
I’ve finally met a girl who loves sex
My husband moved in stylishly with his lover
Can I have paternity test without my husband’s knowledge?
Why can’t he let go his wife for our love?
Help! My husband is always staring at other women
How can I hold on to this beautiful girl?
How can I convince my boss I'm not interested in him sexually.
His best friend is getting on my nerves!
My 50-yr-old ‘admirer’ buys me expensive gifts, but I’m in love with a younger colleague
My wife cannot do housework, our home is in chaos
I'm keen on using condom but my boyfriend loses erection at its sight
‘ I love my boyfriend, but when he wants sex, he wants it right away '
I have lived with him for 19 years, will he ever propose?
My girlfriend wants a lavish wedding, but I’m afraid of my sugar mummy
Help, my ex won’t leave and won’t stay
His fancy woman dumped him, now he wants us back
Should I sleep with my subordinate?
How do I tell him, our son looks like my boyfriend!
He satisfies me more than my husband
Husband says he no longer enjoys sex with me after I had our children
I caught my girlfriend masturbating…
He weeps after sex
'My wife kicked me for talking to another woman at a party'
My rival is a sugar-mummy
‘I’m hurting my girlfriend, I don’t ejaculate easily’
I broke up with lot of men due to unenjoyable sex
She treats me as if I'm her personal sex machine
Should I watch porn with my wife?
Help! What do I do about my bosom friend having an affair with my wife?
Can friends be lovers?
My friend is pregnant for my husband-to-be
‘I want my ex back’
Mother and daughter won’t leave me alone
Her cruel taunts put me off sex
Should sex be this painful?
Dear Bunmi, My mum's affairs embarrass me
Did he ever care about our marriage?
Help! My secret lover is cheating on me
‘I’m sad! Mum is having an affair six month’s after dad’s death’
‘Love-making with my husband no longer turns me
My regrets after having sex with my boss
My husband’s friend is wonderful in bed, but…
How my husband pushed me into having sex with other men
Help! My husband’s sexual demands abnormal
My regrets after having sex with my boss
“Once alone with a man in a room, he wants to sleep with you at all cost”
I’m in my mid-30’s, will I ever get married?
My hubby says I put-him-off sex
She assured she wouldn't tell my wife we had sex
Help, my hubby comes too quickly
My step-brother wants us to date
He knows my past and is blackmailing me
Help, he is a sex-machine!
I want this improved ex-wife back!
Why do I wee during sex?
My step-father sneaked into my room and made love to me
Sex with him is addictive
He's blackmailing me after we made love

Share your problems and release your burden. Write now to:

Dear Bunmi, Vanguard Newspapers, P.M.B 1007, Apapa, Lagos, or bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk

___________________________________________

The humiliating experience of being jilted
~Vanguard Nigeria, WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 2019.

Dear Bunmi,
I need help and I need it badly! Four years ago, I met and fell in love with my brother's friend, who was then a medical student. I was a nurse at the teaching hospital where he was based. He was the greatest lover I ever had and I was, and still am, in love with him.

Through my elder brother, I got a job as an industrial nurse with a much better pay. I guess proximity was my undoing. As soon as I left the hospital, my man hooked up with another medical student. We met a few times in his room and had cat fights. In the end, my man told me he preferred this ugly-looking pimply girl to me.

That was almost a year ago. You would have thought I would have gotten over him but I haven't. I constantly make inquiries about them both, thinking he would chuck her out but he hasn't. The last I heard, she is pregnant and they are about to wed. Well, I was pregnant too, twice and he made me get rid of the pregnancies.

I am so bitter that most nights I dream of ways of hurting him or making him come running to me, begging me to take him back, as he's made a terrible mistake with her. I need your advice please. I want my sanity back!
Dedun, by e-mail.

Dear Dedun,

It is obvious that you are handling the pangs of rejection rather badly. We all get let down at a stage in our lives either through relationships or through jobs.

How you bounce back is a true reflection of how you can cope with rejection. Of course, it hurts, but that doesn't mean you should keep that rage for too long a time. It could be really stressful.

Easier said than done?

Then take each day as it comes. This man is out of your life-for good. The earlier you let that sink in, the better for you. You have your whole life in front of you, and a good job to boot!

Believe me, with time you will forget the nightmare you're currently going through and a day will come when you will love again. But you've got to leave room for that to happen. After a year of being hurt, you should be able to move on.
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At 28, still a virgin and no girlfriend
~Vanguard Nigeria, Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Dear Bunmi,

I'm a 28-year-old man and have not had any sexual experience at all. I'm a graduate and have a good social life with great friends, both male and female. But finding a girlfriend seems impossible. Going over to women I don't know and trying to chat them up seems both scary and embarrassing.

What are you meant to talk about? I have managed to ask girls out a few times in the past, but I've always met with polite rejection. My friends are always very supportive. They say things like; "You are a nice guy, everyone loves you," and "I know you're shy, but you'll find somebody."

It's nice to hear these things, but I'm not sure they understand how difficult a task this is for me. I'm quite fond of a friend of my best mate.

She and I have similar interests and I liked her as soon as I met her. All my friends picked up on this and I'm getting encouraged a lot to ask her out, but it seems too daunting.

I get nervous whenever she's around and she probably thinks I'm a bit weird. I wish I knew the right way to do this. Do you think shy people find love? Will it ever get easier?

Banji, Bye-mail.

Dear Banji,

I suspect most of the people reading this would be itching to match you up with hundreds of women who'll be wishing they could meet someone like you. I agree with your friends – you sound adorable, and I assure you that shy people find love! Shyness is very common and something lots of people struggle with.

We're all pretending to be more confident than we are. So don't be fooled. You do have experience in relationships. You have great friends and romantic relationships aren't that different. Now, on to that friend of your best mate who you fancy; but even if it doesn't work out, you can use the same techniques on other potential girlfriends.

Have your friends done their bit to find out whether this girl fancies you back? If they haven't, get them to ask if she'd be open to a date with you. So stop thinking of it as trying to chat her up. Instead aim to simply try to get to know her as a friend. Ask her all the questions you ask your friends. It doesn't have to be anything extra-ordinary.

The biggest mistake shy men (and the not so shy, too) make is that they think they have to "chat women up." Women like men that make conversation and show interest in them. The next time you see her, aim to say one or two things. It might be as simple as pleasant commentaries on mutual friends. Just aim to break the ice.

The next time, it will be easier to strike up a conversation. Once you're in the habit of chatting as friends, ask her if she's seen a film you'd like to see. If she says no, ask her if she fancies seeing it with you. Yes, you'll be nervous. Yes, she might say no. If she does, just consider it a good learning exercise and move on. But don't lose heart. You sound like such a great person.

------------------------------------------- Dumped by a heartless colleague
~Vanguard Nigeria, WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 2019.

Dear Bunmi

AFTER four years of knowing a colleague as just a good friend, he finally talked me into having an affair with him. He said he 'fancied me since he joined the firm and I foolishly started a relationship with him. The affair only lasted a few months after which I was unceremoniously dropped.

We are both married and I realised what we did was wrong. Unfortunately, I fell really hard for this man and I am completely heart-broken.

This is my first time of being unfaithful and I feel cheap. How do I move on? I have to see this co-worker on a daily basis and I cannot leave as finding a good job these days is a miracle. Please, help.

Tokunbo, by e-mail.

Dear Tokunbo,

One thing you must face is the fact that you can't undo what has already happened and the only thing that would make your predicament worst is if you failed to learn from it.

Admit that you made a dumb choice and you got bursted. You've broken one of the eternal rules of office romance: "Never start an affair with a married co-worker."

As impulsive as your action was, you must learn to move on.

Although he'd dumped you, let this man know that you're ready to move on. Showing him you still care might give his ego a boost. And don't be too hostile, you might be hurting, but it's not the end of the world.

Put your mistake in the past and start focusing on the future. If your marriage has lost its excitement, come up with a plan to bring back the sizzle.

Remember, you're the one who got yourself into this mess, and you're the only one who can get yourself out of it.

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Should I go for this junior staff?
~Vanguard Nigeria, WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 2019.

Dear Bunmi,

I am a general manager in a manufacturing company. Recently, a very handsome man joined the company from a rival company. He is married and I am separated and have three children.

This new bloke works directly under me as a full manager. We have a fairly good rapport and we even eat lunch together at times. I have met his wife and she is quite respectful to me.

Lately, he's starting to be more bold towards me and it is a matter of time before he makes a pass. I would be more than willing if this eventually happened. But should I get sexually involved with someone under my control?

Latifat, by e-mail

Dear Latifat,

And if the relationship should end, your staff could easily accuse you of sexual harassment when he is given unfavourable assessment because of your perceived hard feelings.

Even if the relationship thrives, co-workers might question your orders in a way they never did before. As good as this apple looks, it is absolutely forbidden!

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He won't take no for an answer
~Vanguard Nigeria. WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,

I have a male friend who clearly wants to be a lot more, but I just don't fancy him. Never have I and never would I. I had politely told him on a number of occasions, but he has been trying all he could to sabotage my dates. When we were not with friends, he would be rude and even pick fights with my dates. Once, he visited my house uninvited even though he knew I was with my boyfriend. When I confronted him about it, he told me he did it because he didn’t want me to get hurt.

It's getting to a point I don't want to be his friend any more. Would it be wrong of me to cut ties with him completely?

Juliana,

by e-mail.

Dear Juliana,

It's obvious that your 'friend' is not behaving like one. He has romantic intensions towards you but his behaviour is totally unacceptable. So, I wonder why you're allowing him to interfere in your love life? It's important to ask yourself who a true friend is. Surely, a proper friendship is one built on trust, mutual support and honesty. I don't think he's ticking any of these boxes.

He's being dishonest about his intensions and behaving in a manner that shows he really cares very little about you. He's putting his wants and needs above yours. It's time to cut ties with him. This is not a healthy situation for either of you. By going separate ways, you will be helping him to move on with his life, and you can get on with yours.

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Hubby preying on neighbourhood girls
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, May 30, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,
We have lived in one of the government high-rise buildings for years and are friendly with most of our neighbours. My husband had a regular job before he was retired but now works from home and is doing well.

A few weeks ago, I came home to find one of our neighbours and she was hopping mad.

She said her 16-year-old daughter was asked to buy a packet of cigarettes by my husband. When her daughter returned with the cigarettes, my husband lured her to the bedroom and raped her. She said her husband had gone for the police.

It was a shock. I felt so humiliated and when my husband came in, he showed no remorse whatsoever. He said he'd watched the teenage girl moving in and out of the flats, offering sex. All he wanted was a piece of the action. I felt so ashamed.

I didn't know which hurt more, my husband's remorseless admission or my own humiliation.

Since he was retired from the force, the police were a bit lenient with him and urged that the dispute be settled amicably. It took a while, but we did just that.

Only now, I see my husband as a pervert and wouldn't allow him to touch me. He said I was being silly, that the girl wasn't even a virgin. Is this the end of my marriage?

Ndidi,

by e-mail.

Dear Ndidi,

One thing you should never be surprised about is the fact that men and women can sometimes behave in ways that are depraved. I quite understand your shock and consternation, but your husband's indifference shows that cheap thrills mean nothing to him and his only remorse would be that he was caught.

If you love your man and he is still interested in the marriage, you just let him see the moral implication of what he has done. Don't put him through the third degree as if he were on trial, but let him see how much he's humiliated you.

For the sake of your marriage, I hope he has a change of heart, otherwise he might just do it again.
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How do I resume making love?
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, May 30, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,

About four years ago, my husband walked out on me and our three young children to go and live with a rich widow in his hometown. He was my first boyfriend and the only man that I'd ever had sex with. There hasn't been anyone I liked enough to sleep with since he left me until now. This man is everything my husband never was, loving and caring to my children.

He is a widower with four children and I'm in love enough to have sex with him. What I'm really worried about is the fact that I'm sexually out of practice and I've let my body go after our third child. How can I overcome my fears and get this relationship going? I love the man and I'm prepared to give what it takes.

Jumoke,

by e-mail.

Dear Jumoke,

There are times in life when caution has to take a back seat to courage. You must not allow your fear to drive you into missing this opportunity. Your ex-husband might be the only lover you'd had, but he's moved on to greener pastures and you need to move on with your love life too. Take the physical part of your relationship slowly if you're afraid. Let your new man know how you feel. Being a widower, he might probably be just as apprehensive as you are.

Forget the shape of your body. When you're ready for sex, it will come naturally and your body will remember what to do.

If he really loves you, love-making will be beautiful and exciting. In the meantime, treat yourself to some nice underwear and anything else that makes you feel good about yourself.

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Rumour has it he’s got another wife

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, May 2, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,

My husband took a second wife without my knowledge. We've been married for seven years and still remain childless due to his own fault (doctors report). I heard from the grapevine that he took a second wife over a year ago. The irony of it all is that he claimed to be single, so the other woman doesn't know of my existence. What do I do? Does he still deserve my love? At times, I feel like running away. I hurt and stay awake every night he stays away. I am dying in silence.

Bola

bye-mail.

Dear Bola,

Have you really confirmed that your husband has a second wife by asking him?

It's amazing the unnecessary pain we put ourselves through because of lack of dialogue. Men could be as emotionally strung as women. The fact that your husband can't give you a child must be devastating to him and some men in his shoes have happily accepted other men's pregnancies to save face.

You obviously still love your husband and you need to seek urgent medical solutions to your childless state. Lastly, you too have to decide if you love your husband enough to stay married to him without the prospect of a child. The longer you leave these soul- searching questions without seeking answers, the more frustrated you'll become.

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My life is falling apart!

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, May 2, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,

Last year, I had a reasonably comfortable life. I went to work and had a boyfriend and a good group of friends. Then I became ill and was hospitalised. When I came out, I discovered my boyfriend had moved on to a new girlfriend. Weeks later, my landlord threw me out when I couldn't afford the rent.

"Now my boss seems to be fed up with me because I am always on sick leave.

I have a lot of bills I'm worried about and I feel depressed.
I used to be strong, but now I feel weak and I'm tired of fighting life's problems.
Please, help me find my way back before I give up.
Shade,
bye-mail.

Dear Shade,
Most of us get out of life precisely what we expect from it. To expect more from life requires expecting more from yourself, and expectations of the self are the basis of confidence.
Imagine your self-confidence as a muscle that needs regular stretching and exercise. Start slowly; go to the cinema on your own; take up a sport or join a gym.

Change your hairstyle or make-up for a while, just because you can or wear bright colours you've never worn before.
"If your professional life is going nowhere, then give it a push. Think about your dream career and educate yourself about necessary qualifications – and find out where you can start training – where you're still young to go for it. Increase your knowledge, increase your confidence.

Remember, education doesn't stop with childhood. Sooner than you think, your health issues will be behind you. When you meet new people after you're back on your feet, concentrate on them and ask questions about what they do – it will stop the paralysing anxiety you feel about your state of health.

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Should married men have platonic friendships?

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, May 2, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,

I RECENTLY discovered my husband had been 'talking' with another woman behind my back for almost two years. I felt totally shocked that I didn't know this woman and that he'd never mentioned her to me. I obviously assumed they were having a sexual relationship. So I confronted him and he denied it, saying they were friends but he didn't want to tell me about their friendship because he didn't think I would understand.

I felt lied to and betrayed – if he had nothing to hide, why not say something?

It hurts to know that he's been keeping this a secret from me and I don't see how I can ever trust him again. I did get in touch with the woman in question and she assured me that their relationship wasn't sexual and that she is happy with her partner. She even said she doesn't know why my husband wasn't open about their friendship.

Instead of being sorry and wanting to make it up with me, he just seems angry that I've ruined this friendship for him. To make things worse, his friends and parents don't believe he's done anything wrong and think I'm the one who's being unreasonable.

Do you think I am?

Mobola,

bye-mail.

Dear Mobola,

Your husband might think he's done nothing wrong because his friendship with this woman wasn't sexual, but he obviously went to some lengths to keep it secret from you and I think that's wrong. You have to decide whether you can put it behind you and move on. Being with someone you don't feel you can trust is a really horrible way to live your life.

Several times, I've counselled readers who don't trust their husband to drive out to buy petrol without phoning or calling on someone on the way. For them, the trust could be really gone if proper counselling is not soughtt. Hanging with him because of love doesn't assure you'll live your life not being paranoid and insecure. If you decide to try to make your marriage work, you must let your husband understand why it is important for you to trust him. Callling in relatives to intervene doesn't really cut it. You need to gain each other's trust by agreeing on boundries, but you can't keep on throwing it in his face. If you do, you'll never be able to move past it.

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Does she think I'm too old for her?
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, May 2, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,

I'M in my mid 50s currently friendly with a woman at work who is 41. Her marriage ended acrimoniously two years ago when she discovered her husband cheating on her with one of her close relatives. We've been out for a few drinks after work but I think she was shocked when I told her my age. I've always looked and acted younger than my age. Since then, she's been a bit standoffish and we haven't seen each other outside work.

Recently, I sent her a text to invite her to dinner and also suggested a weekend away, but she hasn't replied me yet. I'm not sure where to go from here. Can you help?

Rasheed,

bye-mail.

Dear Rasheed,

I think you need to back off a bit. It might be nothing to do with the age gap. Perhaps she's simply not ready for a serious relationship and doesn't want to lead you on. It's quite a leap from a few drinks after work to a weekend away. And she's only recently divorced.

You've made it clear how you feel, so why not resist the temptation to send any more texts, and let her make the next move? Maybe she's just looking for friendship right now and needs time on her own after going through a very messy marriage break-up. Take things slowly, offer her friendship and see where this leads you.

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Dad married late mum's best friend
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, April 11, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,
After mum died eight years ago, my dad became close to one of her best friends and in time, he married her. I've tried to accept their marriage, but my stepmother seems intent on driving a wedge between our dad and the rest of the family.

She never smiles or asks me any questions about my siblings and treats dad like a child.
Whenever we went to visit, she would disappear into her room, saying the noise is giving her a headache. She won't come to us as it is "too far to drive" even though we are a few kilometres away. Yet, she refuses to let dad visit without her.

How can I fix things before they become a permanent rift?
Christie, by e-mail

Dear Christie,
It’s about time you rose above your stepmother's childish behaviour. Don't give her the satisfaction of coming between your dad and the rest of his family.
Smile, hug her, treat her as you would a person you love. Don't react to her nonsense – kill it with kindness and she'll soon get tired of it. Your dad is not blind and if she went too far, he might cotton up to her selfishness. Good luck!
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Should I tell her husband?
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, April 11, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,

My husband of 24 years wasn't as responsible as he ought when I discovered he was having yet another 'meaningful affair.'
In the end, I left the marriage with our four children and started divorce proceedings. I don't know if he's still with his latest catch, but I do know that this woman's husband has no idea of what went on between his wife and my husband.
I feel he should be made aware of what's going on as she's taking him for a fool. Besides, why should mine be the only marriage to suffer?
Lola, by e-mail.

Dear Lola,
The big question here is: What are you going to achieve by meddling in someone else's relationship?
Her husband may have a right to know, but if you were to be honest with yourself, that wouldn't be the reason you want to let the cat out of the bag.
All you want really is revenge and that wouldn't solve anything.
Cut your losses and concentrate on how both of you could raise the children with little or no acrimony. They're the innocent ones here and they deserve the best.
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Hubby got my daughter pregnant
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, March 14, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,

Six years ago, I made a terrible mistake and married a man who has repaid my trust by constantly sleeping with my teenage daughter.

The poor girl was 13 when we got married. I also have a younger son. My husband was never married but had four children by three women when we met.

At first, the marriage was blissful as he had a good job and was a caring father.

He continued to be responsible and I had two more children by him.

I never suspected any untoward thing was going on until my daughter, who was in her last year at Secondary School, was sent home.

She was found out by the school doctor when she complained of severe abdominal pains, and it was discovered she had an incomplete abortion. I was really gutted not knowing more shock was in store for me.

After quizzing and threatening my daughter, she confessed the culprit was her step-dad! I asked her if she had any proof and she showed me all the money she had hidden away in her suitcase.

I asked if she noticed anything different about him and she confessed he had a mole on his private part. She was right.

At first my husband denied having anything to do with her until I made my daughter describe his anatomy. Because of him, the poor girl spent days in hospital so that her womb could be cleaned out.

I don't love my husband any more and have since moved out. But what happens to the two children of the dead marriage?

Bayode, by e-mail

Dear Bayode,

What a devastating blow your experience must have dealt you. This sort of male behaviour happens all the time unfortunately, but that doesn't make it right.

You've been betrayed by the closest to you in the most cruel way and have done the right thing by putting a wide berth between the two of you. Your concern now is how to put your poor daughter back on the right track so she could be emotionally stable enough to continue with her studies.

As for the two other children of the marriage, they belong to your husband too.

No matter how resentful you are about what he's put you through in the past, you have to really meet up and decide on what future arrangements both of you have for them.

You said he is a financially responsible man and there is no doubt he'll take care of his own kids the best he could.

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She's pregnant for man who raped me!
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, March 14, 2018

DearBunmi,

When I was in the secondary school, my family lived in what was known as 'face- me-I-face-you' apartments.

I was 15, when one of the young men in the building, lured me into his room and raped me. That was some 12 years ago.

A few months ago, I went to visit a good friend, who told me she'd started seeing someone and that she'd gotten pregnant. I was very happy for her as we'd both discussed settling down as soon as we could.

I asked her who the man was and when she told me his name, I felt sick to my stomach. It was the boy who had raped me all those years ago.

I want to warn my friend off him, but I'm not sure she'll believe me and I don't want to drag the past back.

Angola, by e-mail.

Dear Angola,

I understand your need to warn your friend off this 'rapist,' but there are lots of factors to consider.

Your friend is already pregnant and happy with this new man in her life – it's a done deal. Will you be making things better or worse for you both by saying something?

Before you do anything rash, is it possible to have a word with this man? For all you know, he could be remorseful of his behaviour all those years ago and has changed into the decent man your friend is now in love with.

Whilst I don't condone rape in any form, a lad who is curious about sex could let his emotions get the better of him. Talk to one or two experienced adults – they will help you decide what is best for you because that has to be priority at the moment.

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Is my boss ashamed of me?
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, February 21, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,
Two years ago, I started dating my boss, who is 10 years older than me and divorced. Away from the office, our relationship is great. I've met his kids and we're now talking about me moving in with him. However, he refuses to tell anyone at work that we're a couple and acts as if he barely knows me. I don't want special treatment, but I'm starting to think he must be ashamed of me.
Felicia, by e-mail.

Dear Felicia,
Why don't you have a word with your man about how you feel? I'm sure he's not ashamed of you. He's just worried about how people will take the news. He might be wary of how his own boss would take the news or accuse him of being unprofessional. For all you know, most of your colleagues would have cottoned on to what is going on and just play along with you.

Tell him how you feel about this secrecy. In the meantime, why don't you start looking into jobs elsewhere? It's possible to work alongside your other half, but if you can move, it might be easier for both of you.
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I need to let him know I fancy him!
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, February 21, 2018.

Dear Bunmi,
I'm 24 years old and up until about a year ago, I had strong views about getting married. I promised myself I wouldn't settle down until I turn at least 28.
But now, my attitudes have changed dramatically and I think I have met the perfect man for me.

We have been very good friends for about three years and we live next door to each other.
He is in his late 20’s and he is good looking, caring and very considerate – in fact he's what you'll call a perfect gentleman.

Keeping my hands off him is agonising. I get jealous if he talks about other women and miss him terribly when he goes away.
He doesn't have a girlfriend and I just can't stop thinking about him. I'm afraid that if I tell him how I feel, it will jeopardise our close friendship. On the other hand, if I don't say anything, how will I ever know if he feels any affection for me?
Should I open up or keep these feelings to myself?
Ufuoma, by e-mail.

Dear Ufuoma,
You really don't have to throw this man to the ground and swear your undying love for him, you know.

Feelings can be displayed without great declaration. Add a new element to the friendship you already have – buy him a lovely decoration for his room for instance, or a book on one of his interests, or offer him a small personal courtesy that will make him look at you in a slightly different way.

Ask his advice about one of your 'problems' or about a new hairstyle. Ask him if he'd like to go to a movie, or somewhere off your usual beaten path. Make a gesture that will place the ball in his court and give him a chance to respond in his own way. Remember, most people do not lead their lives by taking big leaps, but simply by going gently with the flow.
---------------------------------------------

Friend tried to snatch my man

Dear Bunmi,
I've been with my boyfriend for almost four years. A few months ago, we were experiencing some problems and I confided in a close friend. She took this as an opportunity to tell him she had feelings for him and asked if they could have a chance together.

He told her he did not feel the same way. I found out from someone else what happened and although I understand why he didn't tell me, I find their friendship difficult to accept, but I want to move on and I don't want to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend.
Adaora, by e-mail.

Dear Adaora,
Okay, so you confided in a close friend about your problems, she used the opportunity to make a play for him, your boyfriend confided in someone else about what happened; and they spilled the beans to you.
What a bunch of gossips! It's time to stop talking about each other and start talking to each other. Let the gossipy past go.

'Falsehood by exaggeration' is what gossips often do to create a more powerful story and increase the attention drawn to themselves.
Talk to your boyfriend – and only your boyfriend – about what is nobody else's business, vow to work them out together. As for your 'close' friend, it is tempting to tell her to keep her claws off your boyfriend and, when she asks you what you mean, answer with a smile: ''Oh come on, everyone knows you fancy him!"

But, in your place, I would say nothing and take particular care never to trust her with any confidential matters again.
At least, he had the good taste to turn her down.

------------------------------------------

In love with a married mum

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, December 13, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,

I'm in love with a married mother of two, though I've never really got married.

I've had a live-in relationship that produced a son I admire. Don't tell me to stop seeing this woman, I love her too much. We meet regularly and no, we don't rip each other's clothes off. Very often we just sit, hold hands and talk. I don't think I could live without her in my life. Apart from being a superb lover, she comes round to my flat and cooks me delicious meals that I put in the freezer for when she's not around. It all started as a bit of fun.

Now if we don't see each other for some reasons, I know she'll phone that night. The attraction can't be just sex as we don't do it that often. I asked her once if she would have married me if she was single and she said yes. Now I'm nursing the idea of snatching her from her husband as I've never felt this way about any woman, even the mother of my son.

Obi, bye-mail.

Dear Obi,

You obviously craved new relationship after the one you had with the mother of your son. That is why you are investing all your hope on a mate who will make you feel wanted again in this adulteress. Yet she is a married mother and no matter and no matter how much you both love each other the fact remains that you're her bit on the side to who she gives tenderness in return for sex. Pressurize her to leave her husband and you might be sounding the death knell to your relationship.

A married woman can never provide you emotional security. Walk away from this adulteress without looking back before she completely strips you of your self respect.

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Why is he always texting in the toilet?
~vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, December 6, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,
I CURRENTLY live with my boyfriend of 10 months and I never thought he would cheat on me – I know we love each other deeply. But he recently came back from a three- week course where he said he got friendly with a female delegate from another company.
I thought nothing of this but, one night, I caught him in the toilet sending a text message.
He flushed the toilet to distract me, but when I looked at his mobile when he was having a bath, I saw he'd just sent a suggestive text to this woman.
When I confronted him, he swore nothing happened between them – he's even keen on going ahead with our wedding plans. I feel as if I can't ever trust him again.
Janette, by e-mail.

Dear Janette,
The only way you can trust your man again is if you can be sure he'll never
misbehave again. And the only way to be sure he doesn't is to find out why he
misbehaved in the first place and make sure those reasons don't come up again. So, why did he text this course mate? Was he bored? Feeling trapped? Was he flattered by her attentions? Or maybe he panicked that he isn't attractive to women apart from you!
You need to have a heart-to-heart with your man and not one where you scream at him! Listen to him. Find out what's really going on in his mind about you both.
Then you'll know whether you can create a relationship in which he'll be faithful in future.
------------------------------

I prefer him as a lover
~vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, December 6, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,
I have this male colleague at work and we are very friendly. We see and chat with each other every day. We're both single and so far, the relationship has been
purely platonic – except for once or twice that we have kissed when slightly tipsy.
Lately, I've been having fantasies about him. I'm not sure he feels the same way and I'm worried an affair might ruin our relationship. How do I make the first move without making a fool of myself.
Doyin by e-mail.

Dear Doyin,
Friendship is believed to be the best possible soil in which love can take root, grow and flourish. By contrast, an affair, which begins like a bolt from the blues, bums out fairly quickly when passion dies and the couple suddenly realises that they have very little to offer each other beyond intimacy.
It is a good thing you bonded well with your male friend and he probably depends as much on your support as you do on his. Someone who know you at work knows the
real you; the way you react under pressure. And you know him just as well. You are, therefore, lucky to have found someone who is such a soul mate and whom you also
find attractive.
When it comes to love, women often call the shots through body language and subtle come-ons. As many men are terrified of rejection, you must be the one to make a move. If you don't you'll always regret it, wondering what might have been. And if you keep him at arm's length, he may one day turn up with a girlfriend.
I'm sure you'll find this devastating judging by how you now feel about him. So when next you go out together in the evening, stay alert for any signals that his interest
in you is not really platonic – and make sure booze is not high on the menu.

Try flirting a little to see if he's willing to follow your lead. At the end of the evening, you may invite him for a proper drink. If he doesn't respond as you would like, you won't have harmed your friendship.
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I need to break off with this old lover
~vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, December 6, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,
I met my boyfriend when I was 15 and we've been together for five years. The problem is, we're always arguing but I know we love each other. Unfortunately, I've started sleeping with a married friend of my uncle.
He's much older than I am and I don't know how it happened or why I'm doing it. He gives me a lot of gifts and money but I don't love him at all. All I know is
that if his wife, my uncle or my boyfriend finds out about this relationship, there will be a lot of trouble. How do I get out?
Lape, by e-mail.

Dear Lape,
You'll have to be strong and tell your lover the affair is over. Don't blame yourself too much – he's behaving badly and you are clearly vulnerable.
Arguments are always up-setting and although you and your boyfriend love each other, there are pressures upon you – especially from this dirty old man who thinks he
can buy your affection with money.
Very few relationships begun at 15 stand the test of time – people change as they grow up.
If there's someone you can talk to, then ask for their support in making your

relationship work.
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Sister finds it difficult to cope with her divorce
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, October 11, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,
My younger sister has been on her own since her husband left her for his pregnant and much younger mistress. They had no children, so I'm happy for her to join us on my birthday which I always celebrate. She lives in another state and usually stays a couple of days. The problem is, she always drinks too much and ends up crying and showing herself up.
Last year, she made a pass at my son's 22-year-old best friend, and it took the two of us to get her away from him and up to bed. When she finally left for home a few days later, I found two empty brandy bottles under her bed. No wonder she was off her head. My next birthday is in a few weeks and she's already indicated her wish to attend. Now I pray she gets a better offer for that date!
Lara, by e-mail.

Dear Lara,
It’s unlikely she'll get a better offer, so be prepared, because she's coming! First, you need to find somewhere to hide all the booze you'll need for the party. If you think she'll bring some with her, make some excuse to get into the bedroom when she's unpacking, grab the bottles and say, 'thanks, you've brought the brandy!' Since she's your sister, and you obviously care a lot for her, don't you think it's better that she's behaving badly in your house and not in any godforsaken pepper soup joint where someone could easily take advantage of her?
She's only acting this way because she's lonely and hurting. Try talking to her, and telling her how worried you are. We all need a good shoulder to cry on from time to time. If she feels she can let it all out, then maybe she won't resort to booze. If you see her drinking, take her aside and say it might be a good idea if she had some exotic juice instead as it'll be more difficult if you leave it until she's actually drunk. She won't be lonely for ever.

When she's back on her feet, the problem may well cure itself.

----------------------------------------

He seems to like large-breasted women

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, August 16, 2017

DearBunmi,
I never said anything yet to my boyfriend but I think he is obsessed with abnormally large breasts. I always catch him staring at women's chest. I have boobs that are on the small size and his attitude is making me feel inadequate. I have a good mind to ask him if he would rather be with a busty woman!
Ada, bye-mail.

Dear Ada,
Your boyfriend, obviously, cares about you because he chooses to be with you instead of a busty woman. However, courteous men don't check out girls when
they are out with a woman they care about. It sounds like this man needs a few lessons in etiquette.

Let him know that when he ogles other women, it makes you feel bad. Even ifhe can't help himself, he'll, at least, try to be more discreet about it. As for your
feeling "inadequate," you must realise that big boobs don't do anything that small ones can't do as well or better.

Romatically, small breasts are even more sensitive than big ones; they can nourish off springs just as well; and when it comes to attracting admiring looks,
women with small breasts can wear sleek clothes that don't suit big busts. So,

ignore your beau and walk just as tall and proud as any busty woman does.
-------------------------------------------

Could he be cheating? ~Vanguard Nigeria. Tuesday, July 4, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,

When I met my boyfriend a year ago, the attraction was instant and our sex life was great.

Recently though, it is all gone down-hill since he got promoted at work and

started working long hours. I've tried everything to get him interested again,

but now I'm scared he's cheating on me.

Nnena by e-mail

Dear Nnena,

You're totally over-reacting. Every couple's sex life has slow times when one or the other just doesn't feel like doing it. And while you shouldn't simply sit back and let things slide, rushing into panic mode will just make the situation worse.

The fact you've desperately tried to get your boyfriend interested is probably making him feel really pressure. And you panicking that he might be cheating on you is only alienating him even more. No wonder he doesn't feel like sex.

Instead, start being supportive and sympathetic about his work problems and accept that for a little while, sex will be on the back burner. That approach is much more likely to get your sex life going again.

-----------------------------------------

I live in fear my past could catch up with me

~Vanguard Nigeria. Tuesday, July 4, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,

I have been married for close to 30 years. Eighteen years ago, my husband and I went through a rough patch when his philandering took an alarming turn.

Out of frustration, I did something I regret by starting an affair with a man from my office.

He was single then but in serious relationship with a lady he eventually married. Neither my lover nor his friend knew my husband at the time.

A couple of years ago, I found out that my husband and these two men were members of the same club. I have this belief that one of them has told a few more of their circle, including a man who is close to my husband. This man brings up my former lover's name in my company. I have a feeling he may be testing my reaction.

Or do you think this is just my guilt coming out? I live in fear that my husband will find out. He'd never forgive me. I don't want to carry on like this with my marriage in jeopardy from something that took place ages ago.

Boma, by e-mail.

Dear Boma,

The scariest secret a woman can keep is that on infidelity. All of us have skeletons in the cupboard but yours has been rattling around and haunting you for far too long! Almost two decades ago, when you felt in need of affection, you momentarily lost control and had an affair. Your husband had his share of affairs too. But what makes you think this lover of yours who is now married with his own children, will want to upset the apple cart now after all these years? He has as much to loose as you.

If your worst nightmare were to come true, it would be your word against his.

And what explanation would he give to his wife for bragging about a stale affair?

Do you know how many affairs this man's had after yours? I would put the whole incident at the back of my mind if I were you. Both you and your husband are in your middle years – you have more constructive plans to grapple with.

-------------------------------------------

She’s harassing me because I dumped her

Dear Bunmi,

I met this girl at a party and she was all over me. She gladly came to the flat with me and we had sex all night.

The following day, she took my phone number and promised to call. But I really didn't fancy more romps with her. In the daylight, she looked a bit like a hustler, so I didn't pick her call when she phoned.

Now she sends me nasty texts and has used public phone booths to make threatening phone calls, saying she'll make me regret the day I met her. How do I handle this?

Kingsley, bye-mail.

Dear Kingsley,

She's right isn't she? You're regretting the day you met her already! Not to worry though, the woman making this threat is the one with the problem, not you.

People who are bullied can feel guilt and shame but that's just part of the bully's

tactics and you need to ignore her. Change your phone number if this will help get her off your back. If she still gets through to you, tell her firmly she should move on with her life – just as you've done. Next time a free lay rears its head, think

twice. Like the saying goes, if it's too good to be true, it probably is!

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Dear Bunmi, He's too big it hurts!

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, March 8, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,

I've just met this wonderful man who is clever, funny and sexy. The problem is he's massive 'down there'. I'm on the small size so sex is always a bit painful, but this is agony.

I'm frightened to try again. Do you think we have a future?

Jessica, by e-mail.

Dear Jessica,

Don't panic! You say sex is painful, so I think you may not be producing enough

bellow-the-belt lubrication. Take your time, and instead of rushing to get started,

indulge in a lot of fore play. Relax whilst you do that.

If you need further help, a reputable chemist will recommend some lubricants, and remember, some positions are better than others. Talk to him about your fears – then have fun discovering ways to make love-making more pleasurable for both of you. Your bits are designed to accommodate the head of a baby – and I'm sure that even he’s is not that big!

-------------------------------------------------------

Dear Bunmi, Is alchohol really good for a diabetic?

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Dear Bunmi,

Over the years, I've read your very interesting column, especially your encouraging readers to drink: in moderation because a bit of alchohol is good for one's well-being. My problem is that I am diabetic but do like a tripple or two. Am I doing my health any harm? By the way, keep up the good work!

Victoria by e-mail.

Dear Victoria,

Well here is the good news for all you drinkers out there; you're protecting yourself against diabetes in middle age! That's the recent conclusion from a US

study. It found women between 25 and 42 who drank two to four units of alcohol a day (one to two glasses of wine) were half likely to get the disease, which results in blood sugar levels becoming too high.

The reason is thought to be because alcohol slows the uptake of glucose into the bloodstream after a meal. Current guidelines advise women to drink a maximum of three units a day. But take it stead; drinking more than this increases the risk of other diseases.

---------------------------------------------

Afraid to dump this adulterer

~Vanguard Nigeria. Thursday, January 5, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,

I've been having an affair with a married man for the past year. I'm in my late 20s

and he is 39. We met at work and used to flirt a lot, but he got married and so I assumed nothing would ever happen between us.

But then he seemed to fall for me in a big way and we declared our love for one another.

Recently, however, he's been on a real guilt trip and I don't see much of him.

He'll only visit me at home and never stays for long. We've never had full sexual intercourse, although we do satisfy each other. I feel used, but I'm single and have a high sex drive, so

I don't want to break up with him.

Deronke, by e-mail.

Dear Deronke,

I think you should cut him loose! I predict he'll be as relieved as you when his hit-and-run visits can stop. If anything resembling a relationship had been on the cards, it would have happened when you were both free and single.

Instead, you've got yourself stuck on an unavailable man whose presence in your life keeps you stirred up sexually, but with whom, by mutual agreement, you don't have sexual intercourse.

Build up a network of male and female friends and get out more, once you do this,

it'll only be a matter of time until you question why you've never dated other men, and whether this arm's – length lover hasn't actually helped you keep real-life boyfriends at bay all these years. Make it your New Year resolution to wash him out of your bai !

-------------------------------------------------

I don’t feel sex is fun any more

~Vanguard Nigeria. Thursday, January 5, 2017.

Dear Bunmi,

I've been married to my husband for over 20 years and we've had a decent sex life throughout our marriage but, following a serious illness, I had to avoid sex for three months and lost the urge to make love. I'm now well and fit, but still don't want sex. My mother and sister both had early menopause, now I think the same thing may be happening to me too.

I've told my husband he can hold my hand or stroke my breasts as he pleasures

himself – and I will also pleasure him – but he is furious and accuses me of not loving him.

He says he'd rather go without sex than this. It's a total stalemate that is spoiling the rest of our lives.

Ajoke, by e-mail.

Dear Ajoke,

Lovemaking doesn't have to be about penetration, I agree, but it does require two people to be present in spirit as well as body. Your husband wants more than a climax, he wants you to participate. A long lay-of from sex can kill off desire, but it's possible your

shutdown is linked with your feelings about your illness – vulnerability, morality, etc.

If your problem is hormonal (and a simple test by your doctor could establish this)

your libido may be lowered, but you can still cherish your man. Or can't you? (Do you still offer lots of cuddles even when fully clothed or is there a physical distance? If you can't, then the hormones may be a convenient mask for a deeper reluctance to be intimate.

A lot of women enjoy sex well after menopause. You need to make your marriage work, and resenting your husband's advances is not one of the methods. Invest in a lubricant from your chemist, and encourage more foreplay when you make love.

-----------------------------------------------

Should I go for no string s3x?

~Vanguard Nigeria. Thursday, December 15, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

I've been friends with this guy for years and we get on like a house on fire.

We both have great jobs and a good social life. The thing is, he's really fit and sexy and I'd like to have him as a "friend with benefits", I'm not sure how to bring this up as I'm frightened it might damage our friendship.

Ngozi, by e-mail.

Dear Ngozi,

If you're worried about damaging your relationship just by asking, think how much harm you might be doing by going through with it. For you readers

out there, Friends with benefits is when you have sex with the opposite sex without being romantically involved – just friends.

It might seem like a great idea, but it's never just about sex. In my experience, emotions will eventually always play a part in any casual relationship.

You already have feelings for this guy, even if they 're just as a friend. What you are contemplating will change things between you. We all get the hope for a bit of rumpy-pumpy, but in this case you need to ask yourself if it's really worth it.

--------------------------------------------------

He wants the kids to spend Xmas with him and the rich new wife

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

Just over a year ago, my husband of nine years left me and the children for another woman. He lives with her now because she's rich. At first he said it was a temporary thing to mitigate his joblessness.

Early this year, he said he wanted a divorce so he could get married to this woman and I didn't object. Any man who could do what he did to us is not worth fighting for.

Now another Christmas draws to a close and all the bitterness is back, I now live with my parents with our three children and I would want all of us to have a good festive period.

My ex has another idea though – he wants the children to spend the holidays with him and his flossie. I told him it was okay, but there's no way I'm going to expose my innocent children to that kind of depravity!

EveIyn, by e-mail.

Dear Evelyn,

You really haven't let on Q!Ilt how active your ex is in the lives of his children. What he did to you was a deplorable thing but that doesn't really amount to being depraved!

As much as you can, strive to make this Christmas one to remember by spending quality time with your children. Whilst you do that, resist the temptation to portray your ex an irresponsible father. You were terribly hurt and still suffer from your ex's betrayal, but he's still your kids' dad.

In the meantime, let your ex realise you don't want to confuse the children by letting them be with him and his lover for days on end.

Instead, agree on the occasional visits and see how things go. Let your kids realise you love them – so does their dad. Then look forward to a relaxing and stress-free holiday.

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Bunmi, My friend's hubby is hot!

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, November 16, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

I've been in a sexual relationship with my best friend's husband for years.

I know it is wrong but we've not been found out because both our partners sometimes work away. Mine is a geologist and my lover's wife is a lawyer. I don't love this man, neither do I like him, but he's simply amazing in bed.

He's always doing something different and he takes time to study different ways of making it a joy.

My husband just does the same thing in bed, then rolls over to sleep till the next time.

Now my friend tells me they'll soon be moving away because of postings from his office.

He hasn't told me yet, and I don't know if I should believe her, but I do know that I couldn't live without what I get from him.

EIIen, bye-mail.

Dear Ellen,

You might have to live without it because there is no way your lover's going to disrupt his life for you. And, if love making was ruled out, would you want to leave your marriage for him?

The bad news is you have no control whatsoever over his leaving.

Fortunately for you, you could have what you had with him with your husband if you explain to him that you'd like a better love life.

You must have learnt a lot about the technique of quality love making from your lover over the years you'd been sneaking behind your husband's back to meet him. Now's the time to share it!

If your husband goes through the same boring routine, then you must take charge. For all you know, he might be longing for something more adventurous. Now's your chance to teach him!

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In love with my dead friend's husband

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, November 16, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

I lost one of my friends some years ago though we were not really close.

I'd always liked her husband and was a friend. After the wife died, we started dating and became lovers.

Now he says he can't really put his mind into our relationship, that it's too soon after his wife's death and he still misses her.

We still flirt and fond of each other, but no love making.

How long should you mourn a dead spouse for goodness sake? I love him and he's grieved for four years. Surely, he should be ready to move on?

Hannah, by e-mail.

Dear Hannah,

We all have our time-table to cope with loss. Some people recover quickly, others take years. Maybe your man could have fallen for you more easily if you'd been a stranger he just met. As you are a long-time friend, someone he'd seen with his wife in the past, he may be reminded of her when he's with you.

He might not feel sexually for you because of this reason.

Why don't you cool things a bit for a while? He might change his mind with time, but you can't force him to care for you.

And you shouldn't try-out of love for him and respect for your dead friend.

-------------------------------------------------------

Confused about losing virginity
~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, November 16, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,
I'll be 20 soon and still a virgin. Some of the peer pressure has come off me in the last year or two and I finally feel ready for my first proper sexual experience.
There are a couple of men in our group who are special friends and who I think are interested in me. There is an older man at our office who is nice and definitely shows interest! For now I'm not 100% sure who to go for. What do you think?
Ajara, by e-mail.

Dear Ajara,
You need to be very sure about this because, once done, you can never become a virgin again. I also wonder what the man at work will think of you afterwards. And if you choose one of the special friends, what about the other one? It does make me a bit sad that you are not planning to lose your virginity in a committed relationship. There really is no rush, you know! And there is no need to compete with your friends. Believe me, when you meet the right man, you won't need my advice!
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Dear Bunmi, Four inches organ: Can I get her pregnant being this small?

~Vanguard Nigeria. Friday, November 11, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

My organ is four inches at its most erect and I'm married to a very loving and supportive wife but love making is really frustrating, the slightest movement causes my organ to slip out of her during love-making. We have been married for four years now and would love to try for a baby. Because of my small organ, I haven't really been that hot in the love making department. Will I be able to get my wife pregnant and do you have any pointers as to how to enjoy love making with her? Foreplay is no problem.

Saheed, by e-mail.

Dear Saheed,

Try choosing positions in which your wife holds her thighs tightly together and only you move during love-aking. Curling up in bed or bending over should do the trick. If this method fails to get her pregnant, then seek help in one of these modem fertility clinics the country now boasts of. A clinic can help in depositing your sperm where it needs to be in your wife's organ. You wouldn't be the first man to need a little medical assistance to father children and neither this nor the size of your organ make you in anyway less masculine or virile.

Good luck with the baby-making efforts.

-------------------------------------------------

I'm tempted to stray with my sales reps

~Vanguard Nigeria. Tuesday, November 1, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

I'm the general manager of a fairly big supermarket and I'm currently tempted to stray with some of my sales reps as sex with my girl is virtually non-existent. We've been together for about three years and at the beginning, we couldn't get enough of each other.

Much as I didn't expect that kind of frenzy to last for ever I didn't bargain for it to be nearly extinct either. It looks as if I'm the one doing all the running and I get nothing in return.

When I try to get her in the mood, she's full of excuses. She's either too tired or just doesn't feel like it. Then we argue and she sulks.

We currently live together and I keep telling her I want our relationship to be full of intimate moments. But there's still no change. I get plenty of flirtatious remarks from my sales girls, so it would be easy to help myself. I must admit that I'm tempted to, purely for sex.

The fear of mixing business with pleasure is the current hindrance.

Unfortunately, my girl doesn't think we have a problem. How can I make her realise I need intimacy in our relationship? I'm 30 and she is 27.

Dipo, by e-mail.

Dear Dipo,

Your girl must know in her heart that things aren't right with your sex life, especially since it was once active. Her problem could be that she's not sure of how to tackle the problem. Do you think she's getting enough fun and satisfaction from sex with you?

Maybe it's about time you put more efforts into pleasing her. Have a talk with her that doesn't result in a shouting match to see if this can be resolved.

On the other hand, it could also be that you're focusing on the sex without realising that getting a girl in the mood starts with doing your share of things in the house.

You're both too young to be having relationship problems, especially in the sex department.

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Dear Bunmi, All I want now is just sex

~Vanguard Nigeria. Tuesday, November 1, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

I'm 32 and in-between girl-friends. My last girlfriend was so troublesome, it was a relief when she finally left even though we have a son. She's put me off a permanent relationship for now and I'm thinking of going to a prostitute whenever I need a quick fix. Like the saying goes: bodi no be wood!

A friend has promised to take me to a joint where you meet 'decent' girls and as long as I play safe by using a condom, and don't get emotionally involved, what's the harm? It's become a bit of an obsession with me and the longer I put it off, the more it stays on my mind. My only fear is that if I start, I might be hooked to the point of not wanting a good relationship.

Patrick, by e-mail.

Dear Patrick,

You're kidding yourself and you know it. If it is a quick fix you really need, the answer lies in your own hand.

Masturbating should do the job nicely but as you're already obsessed with the idea of visiting a prostitute, there is a strong chance that after the first 'fix' you might get hooked. Not to talk of the danger you might be exposing yourself to if your condom splits.

I would keep my distance from your type of friend if I were you.

In the meantime, give yourself time to get over your current resentment over women enough for you to appreciate the joys of a meaningful relationship.

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Dear Bunmi, I'm Not Sure I Love Him

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, October 26, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

My 25th birthday is round the corner and I'm thinking of having a fairly big one.

My current boyfriend is getting worked up about it and hinted he had something really special planned for the day.

That gets me panicking ecause I've been unhappy with the relationship and

plan to dump him. As things are now, I can't do that if e's making a big romantic

gesture for my birthday, can I?

Uche, by e-mail.

Dear Uche,

Don't assume that just because you feel less for your man, the relationship isdoomed, particularly if you've just met. Things can change and love can grow. If you're not sure, commit to say a month, and then take a break.

Most relationships have times when each partner's emotions shift. A few days, weeks or even months of unbalanced feelings doesn't necessarily mean the end – especially if you've been together a while.

After your big event and you're still not certain you can't be committed to him, then the fairest thing – even if it's painful for both of you – is to end the relationship.

If you're the partner who feels more, it will be hard but it's still worth calling a halt – because you deserve someone who cares for you. Given the chance of a new relationship, you will find that person.

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Dear Bunmi, I want to help him get back his libido

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, October 26, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

We've been married for quite a while and have two children. Lately, however, my husband's been having problems maintaining an erection.

Last month, on my birthday, we had a lovely romantic eventing until we got to the bedroom.

My husband was really angry and embarrassed when he again lost his erection, but refused to talk about it.

How can I help him get his libido back?

Dakore by e-mail.

Dear Dakore,

The answer here isn't to try to get your husband aroused. It'll just put more pressure on him. He is bound to fail again and the situation would go from bad to worse. It would be more advisable to ask why his loss of erection is happening, because it could be something physical.

So get him along to see the doctor for a full check-up and then he can receive treatment. For better understanding of this problem, you can log on to erectionadvice.co.uk.

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Dear Bunmi, My brother-in-law says he’s dying to go to bed with me

~Vanguard Nigeria. Wednesday, October 26, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

My husband and I have been going through a bad patch recently and I've been getting comfort in the arms of his brother. I saw him as a great friend, and nothing else.

To my surprise, he tried to get fresh with me a few days ago. He said he was dying to go to bed with me and if I didn't, he would tell my husband we'd been sleeping together anyway.

This has come as a shock to me and I'm in a no-win situation here. I'm terrified

my husband could believe this lie if he was told. How do I prove my innocence?

Ireti by e-mail.

Dear Ireti,

Your brother-in-law is a real creep! All he cares about is what's in his trousers.

Honesty is the best policy here and I'm sure your husband will take your side as he's very likely to know what his brother is capable of doing.

But could your brother-in-law be bluffing? Would he risk losing the respect of his brother just to get even with you? Don't find out the answers that might hurt you even further. Go for his jugular before he goes for yours – all is fair in love and war.

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Is it safe to dye my pubic hair? Ageing woman asks

~Vanguard Nigeria. Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I'm in my mid-30s and have started going gray in my nether regions. My husband and I are still very keen on oral sex and he has started noticing the gray streaks.

I've learnt that you can effectively dye your pubic hair, but don't know how. I told a friend about it, but she said she's resorted to the Brazilian shave.

What exactly did she mean? I didn't want to show my ignorance by asking her?

Mary,

By e-mail.

Dear Mary,

If you look around some shops, there are some hair dyes specially made for male hair and beards and they take only five minutes to work. If you can get one of these, it can be effectively used for your pubic hair.

Cover your nether regions with plenty of oily cream or cotton wool and don't forget to condition the hair afterwards.

As for the Brazilian, you must have heard about the Brazilian Carnival and seen photographs of female participants in their revealing body suits with no embarra-ssing hair jutting out. This is because the ladies shave off the area and leave only an arrow strip.

You could go for that too, especially if your husband is all for it.

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‘I woke to feel my cousin’s hand under my nightie’

~Vanguard Nigeria. Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

From time to time, I spend the holidays with my mum's elder sister and I used to get on well with my cousins. But early last year, I woke to feel the hand, of my eldest cousin under my nightie.

I was so frightened though curious that I pretended to still be sleeping. After this, he tried to have full sex with me, but I pushed him off. Then he started being very nice to me, introducing me to his friends and giving me presents.

I was having such a good time that when next he came to the guest room, I let him have sex with me. He now thinks he could do that any time he wants but I've told him to stop.

Recently, he's been forcing me to have sex with him whether I like it or not. I enjoy the sex but I'm only 16 and he is my first cousin. How do I make him stop?

Nkechi, bye-mail. Dear Nkechi,

What you're doing is incestuous. First you are not at all legally allowed to have any sexual relationships because of genetic problems it could bring, if pregnancy occurs. Moreover, you're too young to be playing with adult emotions. You are having unprotected sex which could either result in unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

You have to be firm with your cousin and put an end to this nonsense. Threaten you'll tell his parents or yours if he doesn't stop. When next he crawls into your bed at night, say no and mean it. Leave the room if need be.

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How can I stop cheating my boyfriend?

~Vanguard Nigeria. Monday, February 18, 2013.

Dear Bunmi,

I've been in a serious relationship for close to a year now, but my problem is that I can't stop cheating. I've always been a flirt and my boyfriend thinks I mean no harm by it. Recently, I've been doing more than flirting.

A few weeks ago, I even allowed myself to be seduced by one of my boyfriend's mates! I know it makes me look slutty, but I felt no qualms whatsoever – he's just one of the few men I've cheated with since I started going out with this guy.

I don't understand why I'm being unfaithful to my boyfriend as I love him a lot.

I just believe that since I feel no guilt, there is no reason to stop. How can I stop? I don't want to lose my boyfriend who is the best thing that has happened to me.

Wosilat, by e-mail.

Dear Wosilat,

I don't think you are ready for a proper relationship. You might love your boyfriend, but you're obviously not committed to him. There are many reasons why people stray. Maybe you're attached to the thrill of secret flings or you're frightened of being tied to only one relationship. You need to search your mind to see if you're really in love with this man.

Your best bet is to let your steady go before he discovers what you are up to and be thoroughly disgusted with you. Tell him you need a breather, then see if you can change your ways by considering your reputation and fear of STDs, especially AIDS.

When you are sure you can be trusted, that's when you're ready to commit. commit.

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Dear Bunmi, I’ve finally met a girl who loves sex

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

My girlfriend comes from a very religious background and doesn't believe in sex before marriage and tbis could be quite frustrating for me.

Now, I've met this girl at the university and we've had sex. I am 22 and my girlfriend 23. We've been together for two years, though we have known each other since secondary school. All she agrees to is a kiss and nothing more.

When I met tills new girl a few months back, she looked like the girl of my dreams and the most beautiful I have ever met. I got to know her and we started going out as friends.

Then, one night, we went to a party, we both had a lot to drink and started kissing. We then went upstairs to an empty bedroom.

She was really hot – the sex we had fulfilled my wildest fantasies. I knew I shouldn't be cheating but tbis girl was so exciting. We couldn't get enough of each other after that and have had sex whenever it is possible and it gets better and better.

I told her about my girlfriend and she said she didn't care. She just says she wants to continue seeing me.

I'm back home now and we've agreed not to meet during the holidays, to give ourselves time to sort our heads out. I thought I'd be able to forget her when I was with my girlfriend but I can't. I don't know what to do. I miss the fantastic sex I had with my other girl and don't even feel guilty.

Dare, by e-mail.

Dear Dare,

Sexual chemistry is amazingly strong but that doesn't necessarily make for lasting relationship. Ask yourself exactly what you're missing now. Is it just the sex or do you miss being with this new girl of yours? If it's just the sex, ask your girlfriend to spice things up between you physically. There is a lot you can do without going all the way.

If, on the other hand, you genuinely miss being with your university girl as bad as you are missing the sex, find out whether she'd like a proper relationship with you.

If she says yes and you can't imagine giving her up, be kind and finish with your girlfriend.

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Dear Bunmi, My husband moved in stylishly with his lover

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Friday, July 29, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

My husband and I have been married for close to 25 years and I always believed we had a good marriage. We have five children, live in our own house and he runs a very thriving business.

A few years ago, there was this rumour that he was responsible for the education of a girl in one of the universities. I thought it would soon blow over as a lot of his affairs had.

Unfortunately, it didn't and my husband has left his matrimonial home to go and live with this girl.

As I write, she's expecting their first child. My children are quite bewildered by it all and I feel really depressed being abandoned this way. Why did he throw away 25 years of marriage for this girl?

Sandra, by e-mail.

Dear Sandra,

Your husband is obviously suffering from a middle age crisis. He had a stable relationship for over a quarter of a century and reached the point in his business that he'd always aimed for. He looked round and wondered 'what now?' He felt bored, or frightened that this is as good as it gets.

Of course his actions are not kind or fair. But as your husband felt like this, he wanted a relationship totally different from his marriage.

He chose an undergraduate because she offered him a new approach to life, something not necessarily better, but different. And he had the means to go for what he wanted.

Facing up to this won't bring your husband back. But it might help you to realise his leaving is not your fault. He just reached a key point in his life and broke away. You'll need a lot of support to get through this rejection, but, at least, you can take comfort from the -tact that his leaving has nothing to do with anything you did wrong.

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Dear Bunmi, Can I have paternity test without my husband’s knowledge?

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Friday, July 29, 2016.

Dear Bunmi

I have two children, a boy and a girl. I know for sure that my daughter was fathered by my husband but I'm not sure if my husband is also the father of my son. As at the time I conceived the second time, I had a brief fling with an ex-boyfriend and now I am afraid this boy could be his.

Can I have tests done without involving my husband? He believes he's the father of both children.

Abigail, bye-mail.

Dear Abigail,

Many siblings, unknown to them and their mother's unsuspecting husband, have different fathers. They have also been known to take on many of the characteristics of both the mother and the man who raise them. Children are moulded not only by their genes but also the environment in which they are reared and the role models they find there.

You need to forget the secret of infidelity that hangs like a ghost over your marriage and obstructs the deepening of intimacy between you and your husband.

DNA testing can establish who the father of your son is but will require sample of blood or saliva to be taken either from your husband or from the other man, who may be the boy's father, as well as from your little boy and ideally, from you. The test is also quite expensive as it's not readily available in the country.

The question really is, would you want to drag your son, your husband and lover

through this embarrassing process when it's not really necessary? You alone can

answer this question.

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Dear Bunmi, Why can’t he let go his wife for our love?

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Friday, July 22, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

Istarted an affair with a married man who used to be my next-door neighbour. He moved away shortly after he got married, so I don't really know his wife. We meet up about twice a week and the sex is mind-blowing.

I'm completely in love with him but he tells me he'll never leave his wife and their two young children. The thing is, he's always happy to see me whenever we meet and buys me lovely presents. The looks he gives tell me he has feelings for me. Do you think he loves me without realizing it yet?

Bukky, by e-mail.

Dear Bukky,

I'm sure you know in your heart of hearts that you're kidding yourself believing this adulterer could be in love with you.

This man has been completely up-front with you from the start. He's told you he won't leave his wife, but because you've fallen for him, you're hoping that he's fallen for you.

Unfortunately, he hasn't, he may like you, like the sex he has with you, but the look is in anticipation of the free no-strings attached sex he craves from you. If you want something more than he's offering at the moment, then dump him and look for a man who doesn't want to eat his cake and still have it.

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Dear Bunmi, Help! My husband is always staring at other women

~Vanguard, NigeriaFriday, July 15, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

My husband's problem is that he can't stop himself staring at other women. That is how he was when we met and foolishly, I thought marriage would calm him down but it hasn't after six years of marriage. His argument is that every man looks at other women, no matter how happily married he is, and that he is being open. But I hate hearing that another woman has great legs or fantastic boobs.

My husband knows I am upset by his attitude and even when he tries to stop commenting, I still catch him turning around mid-conservation to size up another woman's backside. At one point, I decided to play him at his own games by making comments about other men's looks, but it didn't bother him.

He says he can't understand why his behaviour makes me feel insecure, that he's always telling me how great I look and says he'd never have married me if he wanted someone else. He believes he has the right to admire other women. When I make a fuss, he says I have a problem with my confidence and should get help.

Ijeoma,

by e-mail.

Dear Ijeoma,

We all look at other people occasionally. Whilst you should make him aware that his constant staring upsets you and he should modify it, you shouldn't assume that your husband wants to make love with with these people. It's like looking at a menu but don't want to eat all that's on offer. Your husband has given you no reason to believe he couldn't be trusted in the company of other women as, according to him, he not only married you, he pays you compliments all the time.

I'm afraid you'll have to put up with his look-but-don't touch attitude towards the female sex as it's obvious he means no harm.

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Dear Bunmi, How can I hold on to this beautiful girl?

~Vanguard, NigeriaFriday, Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I have been dating my girlfriend since this new semester started and I think she's terrific. To me, she's the best-looking girl on the campus.

The problem is, I'm not the only one who thinks so, most of the boys fancy her. I worship her and want her all to myself, but there are so many guys out there who are better than me.

I'm sure it's only a matter of time before she dumps me for one of them. How can I hold on to her?

Julius, by e-mail.

Dear Julius,

If you tell yourself the worst will happen, it probably will. In other words, if you feel you're not good enough for your girlfriend and keep acting as if other guys have more right to her than you do, she'll start to believe you. Either she'll think you don't want her, or she'll get the message that your self-confidence is low, and that's not very attractive. Have more faith in yourself. Your girlfriend chose you, not the other boys. She's stayed with you for months now despite temptations, so you have every reason to think you're the one she wants. Stop worrying about whether you'll lose her and concentrate on being good to her. That's the way to keep her faithful and loyal.

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Dear Bunmi, How can I convince my boss I'm not interested in him sexually

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Friday, July 1, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I am a P. A. to the Managing Director of a big company and whenever we have the Annual General Meeting, we often book rooms into the venue of such meetings for effective co-ordination. A few weeks ago, we had last year's AGM and a few of us got a bit drunk as the meeting went rather well. You can imagine how shocked I was when I woke up the next morning to find my boss in my bed! He'd been flirting with me for months even though I told him I wasn't interested.

I don't know if anything happened between us as he looked really smashed too and I still had some clothes on. I'm currently on leave and I'm terrified of going back to work as I have developed an itchy discharge. How can I convince my boss I'm not interested in him sexually and let him know I might have infected him? My job is on the line here!

Shade, by e-mail.

Dear Shade,

It's a known fact that too much alcohol and loosening of normal working restraints compels many employees to let their inhibitions go a little too much at the office party. Before the night is over, normally sensible, reserved people are letting too much hang out and getting into the kind of scrapes they're usually lecturing their irresponsible teenagers to avoid. The office party should be viewed as an extension of the working environment and the same rule should apply.

Your boss appears to have behaved as badly as you did and is not expected to give you too hard a time when you get back to the office. However, you need to sort out this discharge you now have, no matter how embarrassing you find it. The symptoms you describe could be due to the common infection called thrush, probably brought on by the stress of the situation you currently find yourself. Whatever you do, let your boss understand what happened between you two, shouldn't happen again.

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Dear Bunmi, His best friend is getting on my nerves!

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I currently live with my boyfriend and his best friend is a pest. He virtually lives in our house. I don't feel I can say anything because they've known each other for years.

But recently his pal has started brushing past me in the kitchen and making suggestive remarks whenever my boyfriend is out of the room. He hasn't made a pass at me but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

Do you think I should tell my boyfriend?

Remi, by e-mail

Dear Remi,

You have two dilemmas here – how to reclaim your home for yourself and how to get rid of this pest of a best friend. I believe you can kill two birds with a stone without having to tell your boyfriend.

I know he hasn't made a pass but the body contact suggests he's building up to something.

You need to deal with this now – and the only way of doing that is to get him out of the house. You need to make him feel as uncomfortable and unwelcome as possible.

Don't offer him food or drink. Use the grinder when he's slumped in front of the TV. Get your friends round for boozy sessions from time to time.

On a more serious note, you shouldn't let him get away with this sexual bullying. Nervous laughter will only encourage him. Instead, stop whatever you're doing and turn to face him.

Tell him: "How do you think your friend would feel if he saw that? Shall I get him in here and ask him?" You've got to work on your boyfriend too. Explain that you'd like some more time together as a couple without his friend ruining the atmosphere.

Offer to cook a romantic dinner for him or even better, promise him a very early evening. Once he 's putting in your hands, murmur: 'Wouldn't it be lovely if we could do this more often?'

If that doesn't work, consider telling your boyfriend. It is afterall, your house too. You have every right to feel comfortable in it. Just make sure you're armed for battle!

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Dear Bunmi, My 50-yr-old ‘admirer’ buys me expensive gifts, but I’m in love with a younger colleague

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Dear Bunmi,
I work in a small office with a staff of 12. We're all very friendly and I've been with the company for 12 years. Five years ago, a man in his 50’s joined us. He lives on the next street to mine and didn't have a car. I gave him a lift from time to time. At Christmas and Valentine Day, he would buy me small gifts to thank me.

Two years ago he bought me an impressive gift that I helped him to pick out as he said it was for his daughter. Over time, he kept buying me more gifts, saying they expressed his gratitude. I had always felt sorry for this man because he lived alone. Then, some months ago, he told me he was in love with me. I told him firmly, but kindly that there was no way we would get together, but he started trying to give me money for my rent and car. He also began asking me personal questions. I know now that I should have put a stop to this, but I still felt sorry for him as no one else had much time for him.

A few weeks later, he started saying that he wanted to touch me and couldn't control himself much longer. He said I should move in with him and have his children. He said I'd be free to do whatever I wanted as long as I was with him. I decided to avoid contact with him and stopped the lifts. Someone asked me why I wasn't giving him lifts any more and all hell broke loose. Everyone at work supports me and a few had told him off. I've recently started a new relationship with someone my own age, who works for the same company. He knows a little about this man and has offered to have a word with him. But that might start trouble.
This older man keeps putting my boyfriend down, especially regarding money. I've told him I can't be bought, but he seems to think his patience will pay off. He also says things in front of strangers that imply we're a couple. This is all starting to get to me. He retires at the end of the year, but what do I do until then?
Dora, by e-mail

Dear Dora,
You need to tell your ageing admirer the simple truth. In other words, you have to be cruel to be kind. The man sensed your gratitude when he gave you gifts, allowing himself to believe his increasing generosity might make you love him. He's obviously lonely and hopes you'll be his soul-mate and he feels somehow cheated when another man cuts in.
You need to let him know you like him a lot as a colleague, but you don't fancy him and never will. He currently feels confused, hurt and embarrassed by the sudden rift that has emerged between you. But he needs to build a new life for himself with a partner near his age.
Don't be hostile to him, however, and let him know you're still his friend. Fear of retirement and loneliness is obviously making him desperate. Encourage him to go out with both male and female friends so as to boost his social life. If you can, seek out his daughter to help. Friendship is something we all need as long as it's not taken to mean something else.

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Dear Bunmi, My wife cannot do housework, our home is in chaos

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Tuesday, June 21, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

MY new wife is obviously not interested in creating a home for us. I have a good job, which means I am often away during the week, but she seems to resent doing any housework. She is supposed to be in the family business, but she scarcely goes there. I assumed when we got married the deal would be that I'd earn the money while she kept our home ticking over.

But I've never got a clean shirt or anything decent to eat – and the house is always in chaos. All she wants to do is see her friends. Her parents have agreed to help with domestic helps but for how long? She's always been spoilt by her parents but they had assured me she could cope with marriage. How do I make her understand that I can't function like this? It's a bit too early to be complaining to her parents.

Paul by e-mail

Dear Paul,

If you two have never sat down to discuss how you're going to live your new life, you can't blame your wife for not knowing what the 'deal' is supposed to be. The first thing you need to do is talk. If your wife doesn't wish to run the home, what is her contribution to this marriage going to be?

Your wife can't take all the blame here. You knew she was a 'silver-spoon kid'when you met and married her – and that's all the life she knows. Her transition into a good house-wife is going to take a lot of efforts and patience from you. This is a new journey for both of you and compromises will be needed all along the line. But you can't compromise unless you talk – so don't waste another minute. She obviously wanted marriage or she wouldn't agree to be led to alter.

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Dear Bunmi, I'm keen on using condom but my boyfriend loses erection at its sight

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Tuesday, June 21, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

Making love with my boyfriend is a nightmare. The foreplay starts off well and we both get aroused and ready for sex. But as soon as we reach for a condom, my boyfriend loses his erection. It's been like this for months and ,it's so frustrating. Now we're starting to avoid sex because it's too much hassle. Apart from this particular issue our relationship is loving and fulfilling. I'm keen on using condoms as I don't want to get pregnant or catch any disease, most especially AIDS. How can we deal with this problem?

Oluchi, by e-mail

Dear Oluchi,

Well done for wanting to protect yourself. Instead of reaching for the condom when you're both aroused, why not make it part of foreplay and slipping it on as soon as your man is aroused? Alternatively, you could have yourself tested for sexually transmitted infections. Go to the nearest health-centre near you and ask them to check you both if you don't have your own doctor. Once you have the all clear; you'll be free to use a non-protective form of contraception such as the pill, which won't interrupt your love-making.

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‘ I love my boyfriend, but when he wants sex, he wants it right away '

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I love my boyfriend, but when he wants sex, he wants it right away – whether I'm about to leave for work, I'm getting ready to meet friends or just in a hurry to get something done at home. I used to find this quite a turn-on, but recently a friend has warned me by suggesting it could be his way of controlling me, especially if I'm about to do something that doesn't involve him. What do you think?

Gladys, by e-mail

Dear Gladys,

No one ever said that sex had to be confined to the bedroom. Impulsive passion is often exciting and satisfying. But if there is a chance that your boyfriend is using spontaneous sex in a deliberate attempt to control or restrain you, you've got to talk to him about this.

Only you know how insistent he is, but he has to understand that 'no' always means 'no' and that sometime, sex is not appropriate. Ask him to see things from your point of view, but if he can't – or won't – maybe he's not the man you think he is, and it could be time to consider the future of this relationship.

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I have lived with him for 19 years, will he ever propose?

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Thursday, June 16, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

My boyfriend and Ihave been together for almost 20 years and we have two children whom he takes full responsibility for. We've discussed marriage but he says with the high rate of divorce and the experience he's had living in a polygamous home, he doesn't want the hassle of a divorce if we ever split up. Everyone around me is married, but my man simply refuses. I feel so rejected, we don't live together. Do you think he's using me?

Felicia, by e-mail

Dear Felicia,

Your man is not using you; he has stayed with you for almost 20 years. But he is obviously terrified of feeling trapped. Don't worry that he doesn't love you – he prefers not to live with anyone and polygamous experiences could be quite. harrowing for some of the children – and this reflects the way they behave in future relationships.

Don't get upset because everyone else is married – wait a few years. Either finish things now before you get more hurt, or accept the situation. If you decide to stick with your man, concentrate on the positive side of your relationship, rather than the fact you haven't got a ring on your finger.

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My girlfriend wants a lavish wedding, but I’m afraid of my sugar mummy

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Thursday, June 16, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

Last year, I started a relationship with a divorced mother of two, who is over ten years older and a woman of substance, who has helped me a lot in my career. In return, as I don't have money to lavish on her, I help see that her kids get taken to schools, help wash her cars and run other errands for her. She has a group of highly sophisticated friends, who look at me with disdain.

They believe I'm a gold digger and refer to me as "small boy" when they think I'm not listening. I might not have money to throw around, but I've paid my dues with her. On the odd occasion when her drivers left because of her sharp tongue, I've had to ferry her around town to her various meetings.

I've found a girl that I would love to get married to. I'm afraid to tell her in case she pulls out of the business we now run and into which I have invested heavily. My new girl knows of her, but is quite unaware of how deep we’ve gone. She wants a lavish wedding, but I'm afraid that if I agree, my lover could turn nasty.

Robert, by e-mail

Dear Robert,

It's obvious you can't get married to this older woman and the earlier you started planning ~life without her, the better for your future. Start by gradually disengaging yourself from the business by asking for some of your out-lay plus interest.

As you rightly said, you've paid your dues in this relationship and I believe the decent thing to do here is tell your "benefactor" your wish to get married after you've got some of your money back. Let her know it has nothing to do with her and the respect you have for her.

As for her friends, they are the least of your problems as if you do decide to get married, that would put paid to any relationship you would have with all of them. You did no wrong by falling for a much older woman and you should be free to call things off to enable you move on with your life.

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Help, my ex won’t leave and won’t stay

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Monday, June 13, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I was madly in love with this man of my dream – he was well-educated, witty and handsome. But, out of the blues, he told me he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and that we should revert to just being friends.

Reluctantly, I agreed with him. That was some nine months ago. Since then, he's been flirting with me as if nothing had happened. He visits me every day and buys me presents. We haven't made love since the break-up and I'd take him back any day. Only, I'm afraid to say anything for fear of scaring him off. Do you think I should confess my feelings?

Rachael, by e-mail

Dear Rachael,

It looks as if your ex-now-turned friend is keeping up efforts to win you back and you should tell him how you feel in order to keep your fears at bay. Ask him if he wants to give the relationship another try and if he does, got for it. If he says no or says yes, then backs off again a few weeks later, run for your life, because if things don't work out the second time round, they never will. He might even be one of these men who just like keeping their exes keen. If so, steer clear of him and look for a man who could give you a stable relationship.

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His fancy woman dumped him, now he wants us back

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

MY husband left me a few years ago when we were living abroad. I came home one day to find a letter telling me he'd gone. I later found out that he'd been seeing someone else for some time. We had two kids then under 10 years old. We'd been married for 12 years and had always been great friends.

When he left, I coped with my dignity intact. I even took abuse from the other woman but I made sure the children saw him regularly. But he cut himself off from me. If I rang him for help or advice, he'd hang up. My husband continued to pay the mortgage but I still had financial worries. I decided we should sell the house so that I could come back to the country with my children.

I have settled down wonderfully well and have a thriving business. My husband's woman turned out to be had news and she kicked him out. He told the children he'd been

living alone in a bedsit and he seems lost and unhappy. He tells me he loves and misses us all but I don't think I feel the same way about him.

Sometimes I miss him terribly and see us back as a family. At other times, I feel that my anger and disgust – and even my new source of independence would get in the way of us having a future together. He's prepared to come home if I would have him back. I loved my husband for friendship and trust we once shared rather than any sexual attraction. Now, I've lost all that and I don't know what I feel. I can't turn back the clock, neither can I move forward. I don't want to throw our relationship away, but my husband did a terrible thing to us and was cruel and uncaring for a long time. I'm scared of being hurt again.

Dora, by e-mail

Dear Dora,

By the look of things, you seem a capable, caring woman. When your husband deserted you and the kids for this opportunistic woman, you held your grief and anger at bay. You focused instead on protecting the loving bond between your children and the father who had abandoned them. You tried to preserve your husband's role in caring for his family, despite the opposition of his girlfriend. I respect you tremendously for that. While your husband was behaving badly, you held on to your sense of the things that are important. I understand the terrible shock and hurt you felt when your man abruptly left the family home and your great pain when he seemed unwilling to help you. Experts agree that when we suppress powerful feelings to remain calm and in control, we delay their expression. Until you've vented your sense of betrayal by a husband you believe also to be your loyal friend, you will continue to dwell in an emotional haze and feel a sense of disgust for him. You obviously still have feelings for your husband and yearn to feel that he's the friend and love you once knew. Tell him this, but also acknowledge that you need him to recognise your rage at his absurd, weak and selfish behaviour. You need to know he's genuinely sorry for what he did to his family. You and your husband have a lot of crying and making up to do.

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Should I sleep with my subordinate?

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I am a general manager in a manufacturing company. Recently, a very handsome man joined the company from a rival company. He is married and I am separated and have three children. This new bloke works directly under me as a full manager. We have a fairly good rapport and we even eat lunch together at times. I have met his wife and she is quite respectful to me.

Latifat, by e-mail

Looks as if you're living a bit on the edge to me! Some companies actually frown at office affairs as co-workers are likely to complain about a negative impact on morale when a relationship is between boss and subordinate. And if the relationship should end, your staff could easily accuse you of sexual harassment when he is given unfavourable assessment because of your perceived hard feelings. Even if the relationship thrives, co-workers might question your orders in a way they never did before. As good as this apple looks, it is absolutely forbidden!

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How do I tell him, our son looks like my boyfriend!

~Vanguard, Nigeria.Friday, May 20, 2016.

Dear Bunmi,

I'm in my mid-twenties and have a young son. I've been with my boyfriend since our university days, but I don't love him any more. I only stay in the relationship because of this child.

Around the time I became pregnant, I'd been seeing someone else for eight weeks but broke off. the affair because I thought the kid was my boyfriend's.

Unfortunately, the boy looks nothing like him – he looks like the boy I had a fling with. I don't want to continue to lie to my boyfriend about my son, it doesn't feel right. But how am I going to tell my boyfriend what I'v"e done? People have told me not to tell him but I can't. I don't want to have to lie to my son or to anyone. It's not fair.

Zainab, by e-mail

Dear Zainab,

I agree with you. To mislead your son about the identity of his father would be a gross deception. To defraud your boyfriend by allowing him unknowingly to raise another man's son is equally unacceptable. Unfortunately, a few people are now aware of your plight and you can't rely on them to be a part of any conspiracy of silence. You need to tell your boyfriend that you're unsure who's the father of your child. The double revelation of your unfaithfulness and that he may not, after all, have a son, will wound him. Yet, he may have sensed that you are going off him. For everyone's peace of mind, a blood test is needed. After the test, he might even decide to support you if he weren't the father. I wish you the best of luck.

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He satisfies me more than my husband

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Thursday, May 5, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I have been married for three years and we have a daughter. I have been secretly seeing one of my husband's friends for the past six months though he is also married. We have a sexual relationship and love each other so much. But I feel bad because this man is a better lover than my husband. As a result, I have not had sex with my husband for weeks.

I know that this is a wrong thing to do, but I'm very happy this way. Why?

Dorothy,

by e-mail.

Dear Dorothy,

Because you have no morals, no scruples, no conscience and no common sense. It is clear that you have no respect for your husband, his friendship or your marriage vows.

You may think you are happy now, but the joy will evaporate when your husband finds out about your affair.

Sexual compatibility is important in a marriage, but it takes a lot more than good sex to make a long, mutually rewarding relationship. Don't throw away a good future for you and your kid for a sexual fling. By the way, why did you marry your husband in the first place?

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Husband says he no longer enjoys sex with me after I had our children

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Friday, May 6, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I'm in my mid-thirties, married with four children. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and he's had affairs in that time. The first was while I was pregnant with our first child and others followed after this.

I always forgive his affairs because I love him so much. He says he loves me and wants the family to stay together, but confesses that since I had our children, he no longer finds me attractive.

Do you think I can rekindle our sex life? Do you see hope for this marriage?

Bimbo, by e-mail.

Dear Bimbo,

Two people, who are in a life-long commitment, always find ways to protect their relationship. By having affairs, however, your husband is taking huge risks with your marriage. He's also under the disillusionment that many men experience as their image of the sexual female dwindles when their partners have children.

You obviously look to him more like his mother than the girl he married.

Unfortunately, couples who fail to adjust as their bodies change find themselves coping with loss of sexual interest, infidelity, and may lead to divorce.

You need to share your fears and anxiety with your husband and involve a third party that you both respect, if necessary.

He should realise that he too has changed physically and you both must work out ways to put the passion back into your marriage instead of resorting to infidelity.

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I caught my girlfriend masturbating…

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Thursday, April 28, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

My 25-year-old girlfriend is 10 years younger than me. I have noticed that her sex drive is stronger than mine, but I'm a bit concerned about how much she masturbates.

We live together and I caught her recently masturbating when I came home earlier than expected in the night. She admitted she masturbates at least once a day. This is on top of the sex she has with me (about four times a week). Is this normal? Does it mean I'm not satisfying her? She says I am and she just likes doing it, but I'm not sure I believe her.

Dejo, by e-mail

Dear Dejo,

She's right and you're better off believing her! In one major survey nine out of 10 women over 18 admitted to masturbating. It's natural- so natural that it is believed humans are not the only females of the animal kingdom who do it. Female horses, cows, dolphins, cats, monkeys and baboons have all been seen to play with their clitorises or rub their genitals against things, especially when in heat. It's penfectly normal for your girlfriend to
masturbate everyday or even several times a day, and it’s also fine to masturbate less or not at all! Your girlfriend seems honest enough to say th~ truth and I believe if she wasn't satisfied by the sex you were having she would have told you. So, assuming she's not doing anything abnonnal like staying off-work to do it or has an array of vibrators, relax and be proud of a girlfriend who enjoys sex and is not scared to let you know she does!

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He weeps after sex

~Vanguard: Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

My boyfriend is the same age as me – 26 – and I'm worried about him. Our sex life is great, but once it's over, he suddenly changes and becomes depressed. He even cried a couple of times and then left a sad man.

I'm used to men turning over and going to sleep after sex, but his behaviour is weird, to say the least. Do you think he has hormone problems?

Linda, by e-mail.

Dear Linda,

Orgasms often produce immediate after-effects in men and women. Hormones are partly to blame, although emotions – including love, as well as fears about sex are important too. Most people feel relaxed, and you're not alone in finding men rolling over and dozing off after sex.

But your boyfriend's reaction is extreme, and it sounds as if sex makes him feel guilty and anxious. The problem might improve as he becomes more confident with you, if not, then, encourage him to have a word with his doctor unfailingly.

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'My wife kicked me for talking to another woman at a party'
Thursday, March 10, 2016. Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Dear Bunmi,

My wife has always been very possessive and hates me going out without her, even before we got married nine years ago. Recently though, her jealousy has become so bad that the rows have turned violent. If I talk to another woman at a party, she kicks me viciously under the table, and when we get back home, she attacks me. I try to fend her off, but it is difficult as she is bigger than me.

I have had teeth marks and other bruises and it's difficult coming up with a story explaining my wounds that my workmates would believe. I've also had a nasty gash at the back of my neck after she pushed me backwards off my chair. I've tried talking to her but she wouldn't listen and the violence is getting worse. I'm afraid she might really hurt me one of these days. What else do you think I can do?

Steve, By e-mail.

Dear Steve,

Domestic violence against men is one of the last taboos but it's a growing problem.

You need to let your wife see she's killing your marriage and she must seek help for her anger and jealousy. Make it clear that you will end the marriage if she attacks you again. In the meantime, you have to let a few of her relatives know what danger your life is in. If she won't change, pack your bags and leave, albeit temporarily. If that doesn't work, then I'm afraid you have to make an alternate plan so you could have a stress-free life.

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My rival is a sugar-mummy

Thursday, March 10, 2016. Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I knew my boyfriend was romantically linked to a fashion designer almost 16 years his senior when I met him. He was a widower and his lover visited as often as she could because she was married.

As compensation, she was financially responsible for virtually everything he had – the bed, his clothes and second hand car.

After I met him, we started meeting fairly regularly and I even stayed over in his flat from time to time.

He made it clear, though, that he was very fond of this older woman and wouldn't want to hurt her. I asked him if he didn't want to remarry and he said not in the immediate future. I have seen this woman and she's not half as pretty as I am.

What in God's name does he see in her to prefer hurting me like this?

Bago,

By e-mail.Dear Bago,

It has been established that a lot of men in relationships with much older women are sometimes the ones who find it difficult to make decisions and take responsibilities for themselves.

They're happy to let an older woman do it for them, just like their mum did. You knew this man was involved with an older woman when you met him and now he's not ready to sacrifice his cushy existence for a permanent relationship with you, you could either stay for the fling or find another man who cares enough for you to be proud of a relationship with you.

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‘I’m hurting my girlfriend, I don’t ejaculate easily’

Thursday, March 10, 2016. Thursday, March 17, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

I find it difficult to ejaculate easily and can have sex with nothing happening for a long time. My girlfriend is now getting frustrated because she says I wear off all her lubrication and make her sore. I don't know what the problem is as I have no problem masturbating.

Chuks by e-mail.

Dear Chuks,

A small fraction of men have difficulty reaching orgasm. For most of these men, it will easily be only temporary, but for some, it can be due to an underlying health problem like diabetes. Prescription drugs can also delay ejaculation as can too much alcohol. When you masturbate, you know how to touch yourself to get the best feel. Teaching a girlfriend to stimulate you the same way may also help your performance. For some men, it is more in the mind with worries about the relationship or with their orgasmic reflex being criticized.

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I broke up with lot of men due to unenjoyable sex

Written by Femi Ajasa - Vanguard, Nigeria. Thursday, March 10, 2016

Dear Bunmi,

Iam in my mid-20’s and have a healthy appetite for sex. I like to know if a man is really good in bed before committing to having a relationship with him. Most of the time, I sex-test my dates before deciding whether I like them or not. As a result, I've broken off with a couple of my dates after having unenjoyable sex with them.

Now my friends tell me that I'm getting a reputation for using and dumping men. That is the furtherest thing on my mind. How do I change this opinion?

Jade, by e-mail.

Dear Jade,

Plenty of women have sex early in a relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. But if some of these friends who are warning you are genuine friends you can trust, then perhaps you should tread more softly. A man (and a woman, come to that) doesn't want to be tested, he wants to know you like him and that sex is an expression of affection as well as passion.

You can sleep with a guy after you've found out that you will get on with him. That doesn't necessarily mean that you should instantly have a deep commitment to him. It simply means getting to know him and working out any problems the relationship might have instead of walking out.

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Dear Bunmi, She treats me as if I'm her personal sex machine

Dear Bunmi,

FOR over 15 months, I've fallen madly in love with a girl I thought I had a future with, not knowing that all she wanted from me was sex. She told me to my face that I was reading too much into the relationship. As far as she's concerned, both of us are enjoying a fantastic sexual experience and I shouldn't have got emotionally involved. As if this isn't devastating enough, she told me she was relocating abroad where she once studied. Her older siblings are there.

She refused to give me her forwarding address and said I shouldn't bother with e-mails as she would change her e-mail address as soon as she gets there.

I'm completely gutted. I thought we had something special after spending so much time with her. We met at a friend's birthday party and we got along almost instantly. In the months we'd been together, we've had mind-blowing sex. The girl is simply amazing! In spite of the fact that most of our best times together were sexually based, I fell hopelessly in love with her.

I wish she feels the same way about me. Recently, I had things out with her and we had the most terrible bust-up. She didn't see any reason why I was so upset by her flippant attitude. I called her cold and predatory. She laughed in my face and called me weak and unrealistic, that I was also too possessive. She leaves in a few weeks; but tells me she's open to quickies as often as I want. Isn't she pathetic? She carries on as if I'm her personal sex machine. She doesn't care about my feelings at all. How am I going to get over this heartache?

Jonathan,By e-mail.

Dear Jonathan,

As you may well have realised, we all experience upsets in life. Being let down is frustrating and annoying, but you will get over this, believe me. It's unfortunate that your girlfriend turns out to be such a blatant user. Many men would have loved to be in your shoes because of the no-strings attached sex. This shows that women could be just as capable of being predatory as men. At least she was honest about her sexual needs and desires. She didn't lead you on and promise you the world like some women do, only to dump you at the last moment.

Try not to let this relationship make you bitter. This girl never promised what she couldn't deliver. Finish with her now and look forward to starting life afresh in the New Year.

Any valuable lessons you have learnt in this relationship should guide any new ones.

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Should I watch porn with my wife?

Dear Bunmi,

Recently, my wife confessed she always had a desire to watch porn with me. I'm thrilled but a little confused. I've often watched alone or with my close friends for a laugh. What sort of porn would be suitable for both of us to watch? And what do I do whilst she's watching it? Do I look at writhing figures on the screen or at her? Will she get upset if I get turned on looking at the girls on screen? Am I supposed to say she looks hotter than they do, even if she doesn't? Should we then make love immediately after?

Augustus,by e-mail.

Dear Augustus,

I laughed when I read your mail. Why don't you calm down for a start? Commend your girl for wanting to try something new and involve her in choosing what you watch. A good pointer is to go for a film made by a female director. The men are better looking (standard boy porn tends to feature very average looking guys) and they have female friendly storylines.

As for what to do, have it playing in the background and if in doubt, concentrate on her rather than the girls in the film. Watching her get aroused will probably be enough of a turn on. You don't need to tell her she's hotter than the girls on the screen (unless she asks, in which case, of course, she's hotter.) You'll be surprised how naturally things will fall into shape.

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Help! What do I do about my bosom friend having an affair with my wife?

Written by Femi Ajasa - Vanguard, Nigeria.

Dear Bunmi,

My childhood friend got appointed into a very juicy post and since then, my fortunes have changed. He's thrown a lot of contracts my way and we've been able to complete our own house and change cars. He has also made my wife the official caterer of the establishment he works with and she too has become financially secured in her own rights. But not as secured as the way she's spending money. She buys any aso-ebi going, no matter how expensive, and the array of her jewels is mind-boggling.

Lately, her catering contract has been stretched to providing afternoon lunches for the directors and I've heard talks that my friend sleeps with my wife regularly and nobody in his office dares complain about her catering no matter how shoddy it is. I tried to stop her working but my own contracts not only stopped, I found it difficult to collect money for the ones I'd already completed. So I lifted my ban, and of course, contracts started coming in again.

I feel humiliated that things have to be this way. The kids are now used to fancy things and I never want to go back to the days where I had to scrimp and save.

I've been advised to look the other way as things like that happen all the time. But I don't love my wife any more even though I have this feeling that if I sent her packing, I, along with our three children, would be the ones to suffer. We've been married 19 years.

Albert, by e-mail.

Dear Albert,

It is sad that men use their wives as baits for contracts these days without batting an eyelid. It's obvious you feel betrayed by your friend and your wife but is the affluence you now enjoy worth losing your self-respect? What about the children? Wouldn't they realize that their mother is now the power broker in the family! Where would that leave you?.

Your fear is that if you ask your wife to leave she would laugh and happily dance out of your life. Sadly, you alone can choose between these two evils.

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Dear Bunmi, Can friends be lovers?

~Vanguard, Nigeria.

Dear Bunmi,

I have this male colleague at work and we are very friendly, we see and chat with each other everyday. We’re both single and so far, the relationship has been purely platonic – except for once or twice that we have kissed when slightly tipsy.

Lately, I've been having sexual fantasies about him. I'm not sure he feels the same way and I'm worried an affair might ruin our relationship. How do I make the first move without making a fool of myself?

Doyin, by e-mail.

Dear Doyin,

Friendship is believed to be the best possible soil in which love can take root, grow and nourish. By contrast, an affair, which begins like a bolt from the blues, is often in danger of burning out fairly quickly when passion dies, and the couple suddenly realize that they have very little to offer each other beyond sex.

It isa good thing you bonded well with your male friend and he probably depends as much on your support as you do on his. Someone who knows you at work knows the real you; the way you look when you're tired and the way you react when you are under pressure.

And you know him just as well. You are therefore lucky to have found someone who is such a soul-mate and whom you also fmd attractive, When it comes to love, women often call the shots through body language and subtle come-one, As many men are terrified of rejection, you must be the one to make a move. If you don't you'll always regret it wondering what might have been. And if you keep him at arm's length he may one day turn up with a girlfriend.

I'm sure you'll fmd this devastating judging by how you now feel about him. So when next you go out together in the evening, stay alert for any signals that his interest in you is not real platonic – and make sure booze is not high on the menu! Try flirting a little to see if he's willing to follow your lead. At the end of the evening, you may invite him for a proper drink. If he doesn't respond, as you would like, you won't have harmed your friends

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My friend is pregnant for my husband-to-be

Written by Femi Ajasa - Vanguard, Nigeria.

Dear Bunmi,

A few months after my boyfriend proposed to me, there were rumours of him being sighted with my close friend at that time. He tried lying about it but my so- called friend admitted they were an item and she was pregnant. A few days later, my fiance called to tell me the engagement was off. I was devastated. I later discovered that he'd been seeing this 'friend' for months.

I feel humiliated and betrayed, and anger is the only thing that has kept me going. All I can think of is wreaking revenge on my ex-fiance and my so-called friend.

As things are now, I am embarrassed to see anyone and rarely go out. I'vewritten a nasty letter to both of them to let them know how much pain they've put me through, but all I really want is for them to feel my pain and for everyone to know theycan't be trusted. My parents and friends say I should to get on with my life, but wouldn't revenge release me to do that?

Angela, by e-mail.

Dear Angela,

How much revenge is enough? Getting revenge could fuel your anger and

frustration more. It could also make you look like a mad woman whose partner was right to dump her. The sweetest revenge would be to hang on to your dignity, dust yourself off, get out there and find a new partner who could even be better than your ex!

It is then you could gloat and truly say good riddance. In the meantime, you need to heal before you move on and I'll advise you talk to a relationship counsellor. Good luck.

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‘I want my ex back’

Dear Bunmi,

Some months back, I told my boyfriend of two years to let us cool things a bit in spite of the fact that he was the most loyal, honest and caring man I'd ever met. I had just met someone else then who swept me off my feet. He wined and dined me and I was in seventh heaven until I came crashing down when he moved on to another relationship.

I felt rejected and decided to go back to my ex. But, he doesn't want me back now that, according to him, I had been used and dumped. He says I broke his heart when I had the fling with the other man, and that he'll never take me back. Should I give him time?

Tosan, by e-mail.

Dear Tosan,

I wish I could tell you a way to get your ex back, but I don't honestly think he'll

come back to you. Often, when people are badly hurt, they emotionally cut off the one who caused them such pain – and that's what your ex has done.

In my experience though, people don't go offwith someone else for no reason.

They do it because their relationship is on the rocks. Your ex may be the most wonderful man when you went out with him for two years, but that didn't stop you from going with another man who offered you excitement. Obviously, your ex wasn't right for you. So, find a man who is right, then you won't be unfaithful to him.

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Mother and daughter won’t leave me alone

Believe it or not, I am a virgin at the age of 25. My problem now is that my boss and her daughter are both trying to get me into bed. After I finished at the Law School, my mum arranged for me to work in her friend's chambers to gain experience.

Sadly, my mother recently lost her battle against breast cancer. She died, leaving me devastated and my boss said if I ever needed anyone to talk to, she would always be there for me. Then, she started inviting me to her place for meals. She's a single mother of two and lives with her daughter who is my age-mate.

I was leaving her house one night, after a meal when she asked me to wait. She shut the door and started kissing me, but she stopped when her daughter arrived home.
The next day at work, she started sending me saucy e-mails, saying 'I think you have a hot body'. Now, she's confessed she has feelings for me and she wants things to get sexual between us. I've never had sex before, so I don't think I'd be much good to her.
I've also been spending time with her daughter. She's single and I've introduced her to my friends because she wants to meet a man. This had taken my mind off things and got me socialising again.

My boss' daughter is very pretty and I thought she'd find a man quickly, but it hasn't happened, so, I asked her why. She said it was because the person she would really love to be with is me. Then, she asked me to come up to her bedroom.
I was shocked and a bit lost for words. Why has this happened? I don't know what to do. It's stressing me out. I'm worried one of them will say the wrong thing to
the other at home and it'll all blow up in my face. What should I do?
Bayo, by e-mail.

Dear Bayo,
You seem like a sweet guy and I fear you're letting these two women take over
and dictate your life. You're 25 and still a virgin and, judging by the female attention you're getting, I'm guessing you're an attractive man. So, it's fairly safe to presume there is a reason other than lack of opportunity as to why you've hung onto your virginity. If you were eager to put the proverbial notches on your bedpost, you'd have slept with the mother and the daughter, instead you resisted the mother and while you were attracted to the daughter, the attraction faded when she tried to lure you into bed.
You are obviously not out for sex, you are out for a real connection.
But, it is okay to be. You have lost your dear mum and are feeling lost and vulnerable. The last thing you need is a weird mother/daughter sex triangle. If you can find another legal firm to work with, do so. If not, let the mother realise that as
much as you've appreciated her support, you're not interested in having a relationship that is more than maternal. As for the daughter, I think you should steer clear. It's going to be very messy if you date her. Hell has no furry like a woman scorned, but mother losing out to daughter is something even more dastardly. You deserve to be with someone who really cares about you, who's willing to take it slow and lets you initiate sex when you feel ready to have it. So, go back to socialising with your friends and simply enjoy yourself until you feel truly ready for a relationship.
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Her cruel taunts put me off sex
Dear Bunmi,
My ex-girlfriend left me feeling so paranoid about sex that I am now nervous about getting involved with women again. I suffer from premature ejaculation and she made me feel like it was my fault and somehow I was doing it just to spite her.
She kept telling me only "kids" suffer from it and I should 'grow up' and learn to satisfy a woman.
Is there a pill I could take to cure it? I've tried most of the recommended methods but none works very well. If there isn't a drug, is there anything else you could suggest?
Albert, by e-mall.

Dear Albert,
Of course, it is not your fault. One in three men struggles with premature ejaculation (PE), at some point in their lives. It can happen to anyone no matter how old or sexually experienced you are. Your ex-girlfriend is as misguided as she is rude. You're lucky to be rid of her!
There is a lot of research being done on PE. Some of the latest thinking is that it could be hereditary. It could also have something to do with the levels of chemicals (serotonin and dopamine) in your brain.
High levels of dopamine appear to trigger early ejaculation and high levels of serotonin appear to delay it. Drugs like anti-depressants can help restore the balance and getting lots of exercise also seems to help.
Scientists are currently working on a pill to 'cure' PE. But it has to be perfected and approved, and drugs are not the answer for everyone.
In the meantime, you can learn to manage your PE. Go to the American website www.goodinbed.com and download an e-book called Overcoming Premature Ejaculation.
It is said to be the best book on the subject, and it covers the practical and emotional aspects.
Read it, do the exercises and when you feel confident, start dating again. Not all women are as unsympathetic as your ex!
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Should sex be this painful?
Dear Bunmi,

I first had sex when I was 18 years old. As a virgin then, I expected to feel pain, but not the excruciating one I felt. This scared me and I didn't even think about sex after that until recently.
I'm 24 and have a very loving man who wants us to get married, yet, I still find sex a lot painful. This has given me a lot of sleepless nights. Do you think I'm doing something wrong?
Nana, by e-mail.

Dear Nana,
There is no reason to let this stop the relationship you currently have. Anyone would experience similar anxiety after all the pain and distress you went through. The solution is to get help. Coping with this alone would be like trying to come to terms with traumatic experiences you have no tools to handle.

Why don't you have a word with your doctor who would assure you all your organs are in order? If they're not, he'll know what to do to put things right.
In the meantime, confide in your man, with his patience, and with prolonged fore-play, you could discover you have no problems at all.
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Dear Bunmi, My mum's affairs embarrass me

I am in my thirties, married with two adorable children. I come from what you will term a 'silver spoon' family and have parents who were, and still are generous to their children.

The problem is our mother. We've associated her with a string of boy-friends over the years; the fact that she is now a grandmother hasn't cramped her style at all.

She has recently been associated with my husband's uncle and this is causing friction between me and my husband.

His uncle's wife is spoiling for a showdown and is trying to tar me with the same brush as my mother's. When I eventually tackled mum about this latest affair of hers, she told me it was none of my business what she did and that I should concentrate more on my marriage.

There is no point involving dad as he's just recovered from a mild stroke. What is more he's always turned a blind eye to mum's philandering. How do I get her off my husband's uncle?

Janet

by e-mail.

Dear Janet,

You are not exactly talking about teenagers, you know. It takes two to tango and your parents obviously have an open marriage. You have tried your best to call your mum to order, but has your husband had a word with his uncle? This affair will burn itself out just like other affairs your mum had in the past, but it is about time you children had a word with her.

Discretion, they say, is the better part of valour and age is not exactly on her side.

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Did he ever care about our marriage?

Dear Bunmi,

My husband gets a load of kicks from flirting with other women. For the eight years we've been married, I've watched him chat up women and had countless nights anxiously waiting for him to come home from his night-crawling. Now, after his last affair where his latest girlfriend insulted me to my face in his presence, I've decided I can no longer live with him.

When I told him I wanted out of the marriage, he said that suited him fine and he was thinking of going abroad to work. This would mean our two children might not even see him. It's hell being with a man who can't stay faithful, but if I end our marriage, my children will lose their father. What should I do?

Bilikis

Bye-mail.

Dear BiIikis,

Being married to a Casanova can be a nightmare. Flirting might be harmless but it has led him to having affairs while controlling you and does what he likes. Now that you've found the strength to fight back, he's making you feel guilty for the hurt your children may feel at the separation. As a mother, you naturally want them to have contact with their father, but you can't make your husband a responsible father. He has shown little respect for you and your marriage.

You deserve better, and if he's unwilling to change, then you are right to end the relationship. While your children need a father, they also deserve a happy mum. Perhaps your threat to end the marriage has made him invent this job abroad so you'll change your mind. Let him know that going away would be his choice and he will have to justify this to his children in the near future. As much as possible, I always try to advise couples to stay together, but unless your husband shows real desire to change, you owe it to yourself to build a happier life for yourself and your children.

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Help! My secret lover is cheating on me

Dear Bunmi,

Istarted this affair earlylast year even though I am seemingly happy. I don't want to hurt my husband, but I need love and affection, and I'm not getting either from him. Only I've recently discovered that the guy I'm having an affair with is also seeing someone else, and I'm devastated. Should I carry on seeing him even though he's cheating on me? Or dump him and stick with my husband?

Liza, bye-mail.

Dear Liza,

Can you really blame your lover for cheating? Like it or not, he'Nots just doing what you're doing-cheating because he needs more from a relationship. Should you carry on seeing him? The thing is, if he's already finding your relationship's not enough for him, then he's never going to truly care about you so I would dump him if I were you.

As for your husband, the ideal thing is to get things sorted out so you're happy in your marriage. Why did you stray? What is he doing wrong? Cheating in a marriage is a sort of cry for help. You need to talk more with your husband and plan how to make your marriage the fulfilling relationship it once was.

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‘I’m sad! Mum is having an affair six month’s after dad’s death’

Dear Bunmi,

Less than six monthsafter dad died, our mum started seeing someone else. I knew their marriage hadn't been great, but it saddened me that she could move on so quickly. She went to a party with her friend and when I waited till midnight and she had't returned, 1 went to bed.

In the morning, I took her breakfast. I opened the bedroom door then I noticed there was someone on Dad's side of the bed. He grunted and rolled over when he saw me. I was in shock. "What the hell is going on here?" I yelled then ran out of the room. Sadly, he was the first of many men. Most weekends, Mum would go out and bring someone back. Her actions are out of order. Do you think she's in her right mind?

Adesuwa, by e-mail.

Dear Adesuwa,

You need to let your mother know how you feel about her springing all these men on

you recently after losing a dad you obviously love. Hopefully, she'll listen to you and take your feelings into consideration. Your mum was obviously grieving for a man she'd been involved with for years – no matter how rocky their marriage was. Having multiple partners could be her way of coping – but you're being hurt in the process.

If she continues having all these men around even after you've talked with her,

don't waste any more time fretting over your choices. Put your time and energy to better

use by seeking help for your own grief and confusion.

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‘Love-making with my husband no longer turns me

Dear Bunmi,

I'm married to my childhood sweetheart. We lived together for a few years then got married three years ago. He's a lovely and responsible man and I'm lucky to have him. We have a great relationship, apart from the physical side. His love-making no longer turns me on as it used to.

I've never considered cheating on him though lately, I've told myself that if the chance arose, I might just go for it.

I love my husband very much and we have a cute one-year-old son. He's very extroverted and I'm sure he'll be terribly hurt if this marriage breaks so would I. Is there any way out of this.

Mabel, by e-mail

Dear Mabel,

Your even considering sleeping with another man at this early stage of your marriage shows a catastrophic rift in your relationship with a husband you're supposed to be in love with. You must move carefully so as not to give wrong signal to your husband who might sense your discontent. Your marriage obviously means a lot to both of you and you had a fulfilling sexual relationship once. So what went wrong? You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. Sex is a very important part of married life. Tell him how

to please you, and if possible, take the initiative. He is your better half and you shouldn't have secrets from him. There is also your son to think about. Marriage is not the wild bed of passion we all take it to be. Resentments occur once in a while and you should resolve them; not rush into the arms of another man! A good marriage, such as you have, is worth fighting for.

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My regrets after having sex with my boss

Dear Bunmi,

I'm a secretary and made an irrational decision nine months ago to sleep with my boss. He was years older but extremely sophisticated and sex with him was good. So was sex with my husband. My lover is happily married, so what we had was a fling.

But why was I attracted to another man when I love my husband? My boss had since been promoted and he now heads a branch office. The affair is more or less dead. But why did I have it? Does it mean my marriage is doomed? Please, help.

Abah, by e-mail.

Dear Abah,

To be faithful "till death do us part" might be a wonderful idea, but there is plenty struggle – and slip – along the way.

While an affair isn't pleasant, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have a dreadful marriage. Sometimes, we're tempted simply because we want something new. It doesn't necessarily mean we're not happy with what we have nor is an affair anyone's fault.

It's impossible to make a partnership affair proof. No matter how loving, sexy or beautiful you are, everyone is prone to temptation at some stage.

This doesn't mean your partner is no longer in love with you. Most of the men who admit to having affairs claim to be happier in their marriages than other men who say they had never had one. Women are more likely to cheat on their men if they're not happy at home, but that still doesn't mean they don't love their partners.

Your fling seems to be a momentary and stupid lapse of judgment and thank goodness your boss is no longer around to make your fling marriage- threatening. Some marriages even end up stronger after an affair. You love your husband and this guilty conscience that's tearing into you means you won't make the same mistake again.

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My husband’s friend is wonderful in bed, but…

Dear Bunmi,

I've been having an affair with one of my husband's good friends for the past six months and I think I'm in love with him. He's also married and we're good family friends.

I'm really confused about the relationship as he carries on as if nothing is between us when we're with other people, yet he shows a lot of passion in the bedroom.

In fairness to him, it all started out as a bit of fun and I'm sure that's the way he still sees it. I daren't tell him the way I feel in case he ends the affair. I also don't want to seem pushy as he's made no promises. I know he's sexually attracted to me. But is that all?

Kuburat, by e-mail

Dear Kuburat,

Whether your lover feels love for you is not the point. Couples everywhere quietly fool around with one another's closest friends. Apart from the thrills, these extramarital games usually have little emotional value and do not provide romance, let alone a happy new beginning.

The consequences of being found out are often immensely painful for everyone involved. There's no doubt you have feelings for this adulterer – there's always a feeling of lust between attractive partners when they have sex – it is elementary chemistry. Your husband’s friend is obviously using you for sex and he's quite happy with the way things are. Put an end to this 'party' as soon as you can before you're left with burnt fingers.

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How my husband pushed me into having sex with other men

Dear Bunmi,

I've been married to my husband for over 20 years and we have four lovely children. He's always had series of affairs that I've lost count. I've stopped talking to him about them and when friends did, he told them smugly that he must be doing something right or I would have left.

He says his affairs are really for the sex and he would never leave me for another woman. Big deal!

I'm quite an attractive woman myself and still wear a size 14 dress. I have a good job and dress well and recently I started looking at other men the way my husband might look at other women and wondered what it would be like to have sex with them. You know what?

My husband was right, you can have good sex without getting emotionally involved as I've since found out. I don't know if he suspects anything, but lately he's been showing signs of being jealous, why should he have all the fun?

Halimat, by e-mail.

Dear Halimat,

Are you really happy sleeping with another man who is probably also married? You tolerated your husband's affairs because he assured you the women with whom he had his casual, uncaring sex meant nothing to him. Rather, he used them for sexual variety and to maintain his self-image as a stud who could pull the girls despite having a wife and four kids. Because you must have felt sure of your husband's love, his affairs didn't seem to be a threat to your marriage.

To a woman, who had always been faithful to her husband, you're playing with fire by suddenly sleeping with another man in your middle age – you're putting your pride, your self confidence and your commitment to the future of your marriage at stake. Your husband might suspect your infidelity, but what happens if any of your children finds out? Continue being the supportive wife and mother you've always been. Talk to your husband to slow down. Don't worry; age would soon do that for him!

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Help! My husband’s sexual demands abnormal

Dear Bunmi,

My problem is my husband. Before we got married, he was very decent and a gentleman. Since we got married, however, he has turned into what can best be described as an animal.

He likes to have sexual intercourse in unusual and perverted ways. Although we have a very comfortable bed, he likes to take me on a hard floor.

He asks me to suck him. I want to please him in this, but the thing is so large, it always makes me gag! I never ask him to do anything abnormal, so why has he turned into something I now fear? It has got to a point where I hate making love with him. I have even thought of running away.

Uche, by e-mail.

Dear Uche,

Why don't you tell your husband how you feel about his sexual demands. They are not as abnormal as you think, but you have to enjoy doing them together to make them fulfilling. Discuss the techniques you particularly fancy with him and try and meet his needs half-way too.

Now that you are married, don't expect him to be as cautious as when you were courting. The love you share should see you through problems you think are abnormal.

Don't run away from perceived problems only to be confronted by real sexual perverts. What goes on behind closed doors between consenting adults is mostly healthy.

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My regrets after having sex with my boss

Dear Bunmi,

Abah, by e-mail.

Dear Abah,

To be faithful "till death do us part" might be a wonderful idea, but there is plenty struggle – and slip – along the way.

It's impossible to make a partnership affair proof. No matter how loving, sexy or beautiful you are, everyone is prone to temptation at some stage.

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“Once alone with a man in a room, he wants to sleep with you at all cost”

Dear Bunmi,

I think that too much emphasis is placed on sex these days and I'm a bit cynical about relationships. This worries me a lot. I am a 28-year-old girl and have lost count of the number of men I have slept with.

Most of these men I would ordinarily not sleep with, but you discover that once you are left alone with a man in a room, he wants to sleep with you at all cost.

And the lies these men tell! Majority of them make me believe I was the type of girl they'd always been looking for as a wife. As soon as I get pregnant, they won't want to know. I had a few abortions as a result as I don't believe in a single parent family.

Now I'm completely off sex and it worries me. I think I am a bit cynical about relationships and it worries me also to be this way.

Diana, by e-mail.

Dear Diana,

I think you are a bit depressed as a result of all the disappointments you've had in the past, hence the cynicism and indifference towards sex. It takes two to have a meaningful relationship and it shouldn't make you feel guilty you'd been let down in the past.

I advise you to take things easy and be less eager to trust every man professing to be in love with you. At your age, you should be mature enough to know what you want from a relationship and to discourage opportunists.

In the meantime, concentrate on simply enjoying life with friends and relations until a serious man shows up. When he does, take time to know him better before committing to him.

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I’m in my mid-30’s, will I ever get married?

Dear Bunmi,

I'm in my mid-30’s, and just out of a relationship that I thought would have ended in marriage. Now I'm convinced that I might never marry and start a family. A few of my friends are in the same boat and one or two have opted for having children out of wedlock. I find myself jealous of younger women who are married with children. Will my time ever come?

Irene

Bye-mail.

Dear Irene,

Following a major disappointment like you've currently experienced, you need to allow yourself time to feel sad, disillusioned and even angry. Don't rush through these emotions because you think you need to hurry up and find another partner.

Instead, use this post-break-up period to get your feelings in order. Reach out to your family and friends. Make sure you're taking good care of yourself, eating well, exercising regularly and getting enough sleep.

When you're feeling reasonably stable and secure, sit down and re-examine your assumptions about marriage and its place in your life. Many women believe they're not complete until they have that ring on their fmger. But experts also counsel that you should let the hard-earned wisdom of your life experiences, which younger women don't possess yet, help you arrive at more realistic conclusions.

For instance, ask yourself, what will marriage really do for you, that you can't do for yourself? Many people marry, happily, for the first time, in their late 30’s and 40’s. When you're ready, let your friends and acquaintances know that you are willing to give love another chance!

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My hubby says I put-him-off sex

Dear Bunmi,

I always forgive his affairs because I love him so much. He says he loves me and wants the family to stay together, but confesses that since I had our children, he no longer finds me attractive.

Do you think I can rekindle our sex life? Do you see hope for this marriage?

Bimbo, by e-mail.

Dear Bimbo,
Two people, who are in a life-long commitment, always find ways to protect their relationship. By having affairs, however, your husband is taking huge risks with your marriage. He's also under the disillusionment that many men experience as their image of the sexual female dwindles when their partners have children.You obviously look to him more like his mother than the girl he married.

Unfortunately, couples who fail to adjust as their bodies change find themselves coping with loss of sexual interest, infidelity, and may lead to divorce.
You need to share your fears and anxiety with your husband and involve a third party that you both respect, if necessary.
He should realise that he too has changed physically and you both must work out ways to put the passion back into your marriage instead of resorting to infidelity.

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She assured she wouldn't tell my wife we had sex

Dear Bunmi,

I am just 30 and have a high sex drive. I want it every day if I could get it, but my wife is happy with two or three times a week. Once in a while, she humours me by letting me have more, but I always have the feelings she does it for peace.

A few weeks back, her father had a stroke. He's lived alone since he lost his wife three years ago and my wife had to go to the family house every evening from work. By the time she came back home, sex was the last thing from her mind.

In the meantime, our neighbour, who is a very good friend of ours, is a single mother of three. She'd jokingly complained of abstaining from sex due to no fault of hers. So when she called round and discovered I was alone, she went back to her place to bring me something to eat. I provided the booze.

One thing led to another and I found myself having amazing sex! She's in her 40s but sexy and very athletic. Afterwards, she suggested I call in at her place from time to time for no-strings sex. She said it would solve both our problems and my wife needs never know.

I've taken her up on her offer and the nice arrangement is working for both of us. I mean what could be simpler and where's the harm?

I love my wife and our beautiful children, but not getting enough sex is driving me up the wall. Could this be a way of solving my problem and my neighbour's?

Donald, by e-mail.

Dear Donald,

You might think you're on to a good thing and so is your neighbour. She might claim she's only after no-strings sex, but don't be fooled. Once she's got her claws into you, she won't let you go in a hurry.

She's likely to start making emotional demands on you. She may even let something slip to your wife. If she doesn't, you wife is bound to pick up tell-tale signs that you're having it off with her so-called friend.

You're happy with your marriage and need to talk to your wife about your sexual urges. Twice or thrice a week is okay for married couples. She even allows you to have more once in a while.

For the sake of your marriage, you need to control your sexual urges or be prepared to throw away a good marriage for cheap thrills.

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Help, my hubby comes too quickly

Dear Bunmi,

After only five years of marriage, my husband seems not to be interested in sex- at least with me! We didn't have sex before we married for religious reasons, but since we've been together, he's avoided getting intimate.

I always have to make the first move or dress up to tempt him. The few times we do have sex, it is over so quickly in about a minute and I end up unsatisfied. Please help!

Jumoke, by e-mail.

Dear Jumoke,

I can hear your disappoint-ment! You must be feeling a lot of frustration right now. You've waited until marriage to have sex and now your husband doesn't appear to be up to the task. It would be easy to blame yourself, but this almost certainly says more about your husband.

If sex is very quick, then he may be suffering from premature ejaculation. This is a condition where a man ejaculates within a minute or so of getting an erection; sometimes so quickly that penetration isn't possible.

It is estimated that 40 percent of men suffer premature ejaculation at some point. Sometimes it is temporary, but for others it is a lifelong condition- causing a lot of frustration to both partners.

Sexual problems can be difficult to cope with and for some, it is easier to avoid sex than face up to the truth. Your husband may be avoiding intimacy because he doesn't want to let you down again and feel the disappointment of not being all he knows you'd like him to be.

The good news is there are treatments for premature ejaculation and new medications on the horizon. All you need to do is persuade your husband to get help from his doctor. Find a relaxed time to tell him how you're feeling and suggest you see the doctor with him if it helps.

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My step-brother wants us to date

Dear Bunmi,

My mother re-married over six years ago and we moved into my step-father's house. He has three children and I've always found his eldest child good-looking. He is in the university and I'm at the nursing school. I'm 23 and he's two years older.
About five months ago, we finally agree to having mutual feelings of love and we kissed a lot. We recently took things a step further by making love. I love him so much and he feels the same.

Our parents don't know what is going on. He says we have nothing to fear as we are not related by blood, that legally, there's nothing stopping us from getting married.
Is he right?
Patricia, by e-mail.

Dear Patricia,
Your step-brother is technically right. What you are both doing isn't illegal because you and him are not actually blood relatives.
If you were close blood relatives, it would definitely be against the law.
Having clarified this, you need to be extremely careful. The fact that you find yourselves under the same roof could be responsible for such a closeness, rather than genuine compatibility between the two of you.

I would take things slowly if I were you. Ethnically, the society frowns at such a union between children who are legally related.
Put bluntly, sleeping with your mother's husband's son sucks! And if things eventually go wrong between you, going back to the brother/sister relationship you had before may be very tricky and uncomfortable.

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He knows my past and is blackmailing me

Dear Bunmi,

IN my student days abroad in the early 80s, life was tough and I did a lot of things to keep going as funds coming from home were virtually non-existent. I slept with a lot of men for money and was able to finish my studies.

I got married and had two children but the marriage didn't last and I came back home. I have a good job because I'm well qualified. I have my own flat and a loving partner.

Recently, my partner, who is married, visited my flat with one of his good friends and you can imagine my shock and embarrassment when he turned out to be one of my 'regular customers' in my student days abroad.

He didn't let on that he knew me and I was grateful to him for that. However, a few weeks after the visit, he came calling on his own and it was plain what he wanted. I told him I was now involved with my partner and he said he wasn't looking for a permanent relationship and that he would keep his mouth shut.

Of course, it was blackmail and, I'm ashamed to say, I let him have sex with me. He left some money and went away.

I feel dirty and used and dread his coming back. I would hate for my partner to find out about my sordid past. What can I do to get rid of this shameless man?

Nonye, by e-mail.

Dear Nonye,

Your past should be well behind you and you have to call the bluff of this shameless man from your past. It is a pity that you gave in to his blackmailing tactics.

When and if he comes calling again, let him know you're not having any of his crude overtures, and that if you had to, you could come clean with your partner. It would be nice if you had a tape recorder to record what would transpire between the two of you in case he denied anything.

I am sure if your man is any friend of this creep, he wouldn't breathe a word about pestering you for sex to him.

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Help, he is a sex-machine!

Dear Bunmi,

My boyfriend is far too randy for me. He wants lots of hot sex every night, and he goes at it fast and furious.

Sometimes we go on for hours and I end up sore and exhausted. It may sound like I'm the luckiest woman on earth, but too much of everything is bad and I'm getting bored and upset by it all- to the point where I don't look forward to sex with him.

How can I tell him I don't want sex all the time?

Ramat, by e-mail.

Dear Ramat,

The earlier you told him the truth the better for your relationship. It is not possible to keep doing something you don't want.

Your body and mind will eventually say no, plus he might only be doing it every night because he thinks you enjoy it.

He may actually be forcing himself to go on for hours to keep you happy. In which case explaining how you feel will be a relief to him.

So, reassure him that it is not the quality of the sex that puts you off, it is the quantity. It is not what he's doing. It's how often he does it. But tell him, you must

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I want this improved ex-wife back!

AFTER less than five years of marriage, I'd had enough and asked for a divorce. That was two years ago. We'd sort of grown apart in spite of our son. We recently met up in my office to try to be friends and discuss ways of bringing up our son. I was amazed to see how confident and sexy my ex looked. It was impossible to take my eyes off her body, which I once knew so well, and we ended up having sex.

I was really surprised because sex was boring in our marriage and she went off it altogether when she had our son, which is one of the reasons I left her. But since the divorce, she's had several lovers and is now really adventurous and hot in bed.

She's also lost a lot of weight and looks fantastic again. I was struck by her beauty when I first met her. Now, I feel myself wanting to be with her again. Do you think the good sex will last?

Taofik, by e-mail.

Dear Taofik,
Great sex is a big plus in any relationship but, sadly, just because you're getting on better in bed doesn't mean you'll get on better out of it.

The reason why sex is great two years on from the divorce is because all the frustration, anger and resentment that were responsible for the demise of your marriage have disappeared. You've both forgotten the bad bits, idealized the good and are enjoying the lovely sex reunited exes often experience… temporarily.

Divorce is often painful, messy and horribly upsetting. You've both now had the chance to recover, licked your wounds and feel stronger. Seeing each other again when you're both on your behaviour helps to shroud the past in a fog of romantic idealism.

Of course, sex is better than it was when you left- it's familiar so it feels safe, but forbidden as you're not supposed to sleep with your ex-wife.

Your ex is also eager to show off the new tricks she's learned to impress you- and reinforce that even if you didn't want her, other men do. Your initial attraction to your wife was physical and yet the marriage still didn't survive.

Again, the attraction here is physical. She looks great again and the lusty sex is back. These are dodgy reasons to return, because they can change so quickly.

Successful long-term relationships are based on qualities that don't easily alter- like personality, intelligence, a sense of humour due to kindness. You've not mentioned any reasons for reconciliation that are not related to sex or appearance.

The time to try again is when both of you have worked out what went wrong the first time. You must both be willing to change and have sensible strategies of how to stop it falling apart again. I don't see any evidence of that having happened here.
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Why do I wee during sex?

Dear Bunmi,

I've just met a fantastic boyfriend who is a good lover. The problem is that twice now, I've had a wee during sex. I've also noticed that this only happens whenever we have sex in the missionary position.

As you can imagine, it is really embarrassing. My man hasn't noticed yet though I'm sure it'll be a matter of time before he notices.

Susie, by e-mail.

Dear Susie,

Don't be embarrassed and don't panic! What is probably happening is that having sex in the missionary position is pressing on your bladder, forcing you to let go.

The answer is simple- don't have sex in that position. Tell your man it stimulates you in the wrong way (which is perfectly true, although not in the way he might think!) and you'd prefer other positions.

When you've been going out for long, and are more relaxed with him, you can admit the truth if you like. For now, just avoid the problem.

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My step-father sneaked into my room and made love to me

Dear Bunmi,

I AM an undergraduate in one of the universities and I've recently done something really terrible. My mum was a single mother of two for years until she got married to a nice widower last year. The man has just completed his house, so we all moved in with him along with the three children from his first marriage. We had the house-warming party around Christmas and we all had too much to drink. In the night my step dad came over and we made love.

My head cleared in the morning and I've felt horribly guilty ever since. My step dad now carries on as if nothing happened but I feel really guilty and don't know what to do. I don't want mum to know what happened, yet she needs to be aware of the type of maniac she is married to. Please help.
Augusta,
By e-mail.

Dear Augusta,
This is definitely a tricky situation. Your mum will definitely be hurt if you tell her what has happened. In fact, she may be so bent on defending her new found happiness she might choose to trust her new husband and not you. Your best bet is to have a heart to heart chat with your step dad. Tell him how much you love your mum and how you've both betrayed her trust by sleeping together. Then let him realize you're willing to put the ugly incident behind you if he promises it won't happen again.

Sadly, what you've just experienced is not new though that doesn't make it right. If this man breaks his promise and tries again, then you'll have no option than to tell your mum or confide in a trusted member of the family who can effectively intervene.
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Sex with him is addictive

Dear Bunmi,

When I first met my current boyfriend, I knew he was untrustworthy. We met at a party he attended with his girlfriend and he hit on me. When I went to the toilet, he followed and virtually armtwisted me into having a quickie with him. We then started seeing each other on and off. He is a charming rogue and sex with him is addictive.

At first, it was a bit of fun. After close to a year, I still feel fantastic when we're together, but I am unsure about us when we're apart. I know the affair is becoming unhealthy for me but I can't bear to end it. And because I'm always at his beck and call, I know he never will. Help!

Anjola,

By e-mail.

Dear Anjola,

You are at the mercy of the age old conflict of head and heart. Your head must be winning for you to realize there is no future or long-term happiness with this adventurer. But how do you get him out of your life? The less you see of him, the easier it will be. He's an addiction, so getting rid of him will be painful in spite of the fact you know he's not good for you.

You could try what experts recommend as aversion therapy. Such men are free with their affections. Consider the huge infection risk you run. How many girls has he had this month? Ten, twenty, 100? Think of all the things about him that turn you on, and imagine those things being switched on for every girl he meets.

Put one of your low moods to good use. Scrub his name out of your diary and delete details about him from your mobile. Avoid places where you will meet, and don't answer the phone if you know it's him. Find something to replace him, a new pastime to give your confidence a boost. And if you do run into him, remain cool and impervious to his charms. Sooner or later, you'll meet someone else you'll be comfortable with.
-----------------------------------------------------

He's blackmailing me after we made love

Written By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,

I am in my mid-twenties and have been friends with Sharon since our secondary school days. She is a lot prettier than I am and has no difficulty getting boyfriends. I, on the other hand, am the reserved type though I've had my share of boyfriends.

Late last year, we met a marketer (video) at a party and of course it was Sharon he fancied. He, however, encouraged both of us to drop by at his main office and pick whatever video we fancied in the house.

I work on the Island and while doing my Christmas shopping I went to his office to see what tapes I could get to give as gifts to friends. Chike, the chap, was in his office and asked that I should come in to see some current tapes he just bought. He urged me to pick as many as ten! I was doing that with his help when he started complimenting my looks and he said I had great boobs, as my friend's own were far too small. I was elated. Sharon had always got the compliments but now, this Chike actually preferred me.

He was a fast mover and in minutes, he'd locked his office door and was kissing me aggressively. In a flash, he pulled down my panties expertly whipping a condom out of his pocket. He then made love to me.

I couldn't blame him really and I didn't know I was hurting Sharon as she had loads of men panting after her until she confessed she was in love with him. I was guiltridden. So when next Chike showed up at my office asking when I could come to select some of the new videos in his shop and slyly asked that we had a repeat performance of what happened the last time, I told him to get lost.

He looked really annoyed and said if I didn't show up, he would tell my friend that we'd slept together. I hope he's bluffing. But what if he isn't?

Sanmi,

by e-mail.

Dear Sanmi,

I wouldn't rush to my friend to confess if I were you. But you should have a defence ready for when this scumbag makes good his threat. It is bad enough that you made a bad error of judgment by having this needless fling but you shouldn't be made to suffer for it.

If the worst happened, and he spilled the beans, then your friend would at least know the type of man she's lumbered with.

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Dear Bunmi (Relationships, Family, Sex and Life, Romance...) : The humiliating experience of being jilted

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