Trapped between cultures: Nigerian parents in the US, UK, devise ways to save kids

Source: Punch Newspapers Nigeria. Saturday, November 17, 2018

Born and raised in lands thousands of kilometres away from their ancestral homes, many Nigerian parents in the Diaspora are finding new ways of reinforcing indigenous cultures in their children, writes ERIC DUMO

Jesus na you be Oga, Jesus na you be Oga, all other gods na so so yeye, every other god na yeye dem be," gushed out of 12-year-old Amaka's mouth in disjointed Pidgin English as she made for the door. It was a dry afternoon with wind blowing at top speed across most parts of California, yet the excitement on the little girl's face was as moist as a sweaty palm.


Born and nurtured in the United States, young Amaka only got to visit her parents' country - Nigeria - for the first time last December. She had heard so much about the place - many of those tales were gory presentations of what Africa's most populous country looked like. The little girl was only Nigerian in nomenclature but American in spirit and soul. When she jetted out of the LAX International Airport in California together with her father - Mr. Isaiah Uchendu - and mother, Ijeoma - on December 13 last year, she was unsure of what to expect upon arrival in Orlu, Imo State - the home town of her parents. Tales of blood-sucking demons running riot and huge man-eating apes jumping from trees to rooftops had created a dreadful picture of Nigeria in the days preceding the long voyage. It was the beginning of the end as far as she was concerned. But 11 months after that historic trip, Amaka has a different idea of her fatherland and the amazing culture of its many peoples.

Experiencing Lagos, Abuja, Port Harcourt, Calabar, Owerri and her native Orlu in the five weeks she
stayed in the country, the little girl not only realised how wrong her earlier ideas were but also what she had been missing all along. She wished she could turn back the hands of time.

"I thought we were heading to a jungle in Africa but I was surprised when the airplane landed in a place called Lagos, a big city with cars and houses," the 12-year-old recalled as our correspondent played guest to the family at their modest three-bedroomed apartment in San Bernardino, Los Angeles, California, during a recent visit to the United States.

There are about 23,302 Nigerians in the state of California alone, according to a 2016 American Community Survey. While many have lived there for decades, acquiring citizenship status in the process, the pursuit of a new life amidst crushing poverty and widening economic inequality in Nigeria has driven dozens more there.

The Uchendus moved to this bustling city a little over 12 years ago - shortly before Amaka's delivery - their first and only child. The couple, despite now fully entrenched in the American way of life, has not forgotten their roots. Each year, one of them makes the long trip home at least once to see and meet with family members, relatives and friends. The tradition has not only helped them to keep in touch with happenings in their home community but also helped them put to good use their hard-earned savings in the United States. Isaiah works as a driver at a delivery company, while Ijeoma is a senior sales executive at a popular chain store. But while they have plenty of 'Nigeria' in them even in America, Amaka only knows little about home - a situation the couple are desperate to change.

"My daughter used to have weird thoughts about Nigeria and Africa in general and that bothered me and my wife a lot," the 42-year-old said, clutching tightly to the little girl on the three-seater sofa they sat. "Initially, we didn't pay much attention to this but as she began to grow older, we became more concerned. We wanted her to know more about home - about our hometown, Orlu, and our culture in general.

"We saw how other Nigerian parents were beginning to seriously introduce and instil their indigenous culture in their children, so we became more interested in doing the same.

"We began to take her to more Nigerian events in California and started making her take active part in the activities just like the other children.

"As time wore on, she started to show more interest and in fact wanted to know more about Nigeria and her many cultures. My wife and I, at that point, thought that it would be nice to finally take her home to witness things for herself.

Mental health challenges facing modern African male

Written by Adeoye Oyewole
~PUNCH Nigeria. Thursday, February 21, 2019

The term 'man' is usually reserved for an adult male of the human species, while 'manhood' is used to describe the period after he has transitioned from boyhood, having attained secondary male sexual characteristics that symbolise his coming of age and assumes the responsibilities accruable to that status.

Masculinity may vary in different cultures, but it has universal principles across cultures which basically embodies assertiveness, responsibility, selflessness, ethics, sincerity, and respect that has strong associations with physical and moral strength. The biological inputs through hormones induce the process of physical maturity in the males, which redirects the biological processes away from the default female route.

In many cultures, displaying characteristics not typical to one's gender may become a social problem for the individual. However, labelling and conditioning are based on gender assumptions as part of socialisation to match the local cultural template. In the primitive hunter-gatherer societies, men were often, if not exclusively, responsible for all large game killed, the capturing, raising and domesticating of animals, the building of permanent shelters, the defence of villages and sustenance the family in all ramifications.


Each time the universally agreeable traits of manhood are challenged, anxiety and anger may be provoked leading to maladaptive behavioural patterns. With the globalisation of values, there is an increased liberation of the female gender with the attendant financial independence, among other things, which has been the premise of male domination over the centuries.

Although the actual stereotypes may have remained relatively constant, the values attached to masculine stereotypes may have changed over the past few decades, since it is argued that masculinity is an unstable phenomenon and dynamic in conceptualization. However, the old ideals of manhood are getting obsolete just as the new is still not properly defined as we grope in darkness which forms the basis of manhood and masculinity crisis with grave mental health consequences in societies like ours in cultural transition.

The typical modern African man has cognitive dissonance, with respect to his roles as a traditional dominant male in the family as he also attempts to espouse the western ideas that compel him to recognise his wife as a partner in the business of raising the family. The traditional stereotypes of the father as the breadwinner and the mother as a homemaker are almost historical in the light of today's economic realities.

Does your foreplay turn your wife off?

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard Nigeria. SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2018.


Ike was feeling damned pleased with himself. As he parked the car, he whistled a cheerful tune,
gathered the 'treat' he'd brought for his family and trotted to his flat.

Amidst squeals of welcome from his kids, he dolled out his presents; meat pies and doughnuts for the kids, a peppered quarter chicken for his wife, Remi and of course, the same piece of chicken for himself too. Remi sighed. She knew what would follow.

She would be expected to fry chips to go along with the 'treats" so that she would spend less time on the family dinner. Her husband would then wash his chicken and chips down with a big bottle of stout and she would be expected to do the same with a small stout of her own.

The next stage would be the bedroom. Naturally, Ike would have had a shower and as soon as Remi got into bed he would pounce on her. "It is nice to feel wanted by your husband but sex should not be a routine", Remi sighed. "Ike would deftly put out the light, reach for my nipples and kneed them in turn and expect me to be instantly aroused. But it is always irritating. I hate my nipples to be twiddled and if my husband wants sex, I want to be flattered by being asked.

"On days when I'm not in the mood and I tell him so, he looks so wounded that I feel guilty. Unfortunately, I seldom initiate sex. When I do, it is the same hasty preamble before he goes into the real thing. After doing it the predictable way all these years, sex with my husband has become a necessary evil. I have to grimace and bear it".

Unfortunately, a lot of men believe that as long as you can make a go of love-making for say 10 to 15 minutes non-stop, you are a super stud. Recounting a recent experience where he met a married legal practitioner, at a seminar, Bernard, another lawyer who delivered a paper said: "Don't let me bore you with details. The chemistry when we met, was right and we both found ourselves in bed in her hotel room on her own turf so to speak. She was the most liberated woman I'd ever seen. I switched off the bed side light so that only the TV light was on and we made what I thought was beautiful love".

"You make love beautifully," she said and I glowed only for her to crash my ego by adding "for yourself. Now make love for me". I looked at her a bit puzzled. "You did not say a word about how beautiful you thought my body was or how tantalizing you found parts of my body. Do you read the Bible often? You've read the Songs of Solomon and the bit about `How beautiful are thy breasts, like twin doves?. If a man could be as romantic as that all those centuries back, then why are you making love mechanically? Is that how you make love to your wife?"

Without regular sex women risk mental disorder – Psychiatrist

By Lydia Ngwakwe, Saturday, November 17, 2018
News Agency of Nigeria (NAN)

Mental disorder in women who do not have regular sex - Kadiri

A psychiatrist, Dr Maymunah Kadiri. on Saturday. advised married women to have regular sex with
their spouses in order to prevent depression and gain happiness.

Depression is a common mental disorder that causes people to experience depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration.

Kadiri, the Medical Director of Pinnacle Medical Services gave the advice in an interview with the News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) in Lagos.

Pinnacle is a health and wellness centre for psychological, behavioral, and mental health related issues.

According to her, sex is not just to nourish a woman's body, but it is also beneficial to her mental health.

"As women, there is need for us to make our spouses our best friends if we want to be mentally healthy.

"Studies have shown that women who have more active sex and in long term relationships were less likely to be depressed than women who went without sex.

"So, more sex is important and essential. It is a remedy to curing women from having persistent headache.

"Low sexual drive, which leads to depression, should be looked into. A woman can be depressed when that sexual drive that she used to have is no more there.

"Frequent active sex can play good roles toward women's sense of well being and quality of life,'' Kadiri said.

She explained that sex was not just for procreation and to have children, adding that it could create bonding, good companionship and sound sleep.

Kadiri, popularly called 'celebrity shrink', urged women dealing with depression to frequently indulge in sex, while boosting their self-esteem.

She also advised women who are over-weight to also involve in active sex, saying doing so will boost endorphins which are happy hormones.

"The happy hormones will make them lose some calories as well as sleep better.

"Orgasms trigger the release of endorphins which are happy hormones secreted by the brain that act as effective painkillers,'' she said.

She added that sex was not only beneficial to the men, but especially to women because it was capable of freeing them from stress.

~NAN

Corpers and life of sex, booze, drugs in NYSC camps

By Timileyin Akinkahunsi and Ojoi Ijagah
Punch Nigeria. SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2018.

For Dorcas Ifeji, the best time of her life was in 2016, the year she participated in the one-year mandatory National youth service programme. And all of the excitement was down to the three weeks she spent in the National Youth Service Corps orientation camp in Taraba State.

Ifeji described her experience in camp as the time of her life she would always relish. As a fresh graduate, she had thought that the regimented life in the camp, with soldiers keeping a watchful eye on corps members, would be stressful, but she was wrong. The experience was almost like nothing changed for the party-loving lady.

"We had a place called Club Zero behind the Mammy Market (usually a market in military barracks where food, beverages and other things are sold); it was like a clubhouse," she said with a sheepish smile.

"Club Zero was where everything unimaginable happened in the camp. It was just behind the Mammy Market. You could get to smoke weed, party and indulge in everything irregular; some adventurous people even made out in the open.

"What made Club Zero interesting was because the soldiers in the camp usually let their guards down there, looking for free beer from the guys and willing girls to flirt with. Some soldiers were lucky enough to find drunk and vulnerable girls who would follow them to their quarters for private business.

"It was normal to see corps members in pairs, kissing, groping and doing sexually suggestive things in Club Zero. The place was dimly lit so the atmosphere was conducive for certain actions. A day really stood out for me: people were shouting and I was wondering what could have happened. Then I realised that a guy and a lady had just been found having sex in a corner at Club Zero.

"The act should have attracted serious punishment but people actually hailed them and after the noise went down, all the soldiers present there said was 'una must buy us one crate of beer o' (you must buy us a crate of beer)."

Since the national youth service is compulsory for Nigerian graduates under the age of 30, those seeking employment are required to show proof of participation or formal exemption from taking part in it as a prerequisite for getting jobs in the country.

Why desperate women fall for oldest trick all the time!

~Vanguard Nigeria. Tuesday, July 10, 2018.

WHENEVER the word, ‘mistress' is mentioned, up springs the image of a calculating vamp dressed
in skimpy clothes and expensive hair extensions, ready to lure away husbands without a second thought to the families of such men. But sometimes, the truth is usually more complicated. As a result, many women who find themselves the 'other woman' are caught in situations they never bargained for. Take the case of Mylah for instance. "I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met Jacob,'she told me, a bit sad. 'I'd just split up from my husband of 11 years-and was busy looking after the three children of the marriage.

"Jacob was a friend's elder brother and we met at my friend's 40th birthday party. He told me he's been estranged from his wife for months and was waiting for his divorce to be finalized. According to him, his wife hadn't really adapted to the fact that wives were supposed to behave differently from when they were abroad,'and when they finally relocated to Nigeria. I didn't ask 'him for details and our relationship quickly took up from there. He gave me his mobile number as well as his home's and visited every spare minute he got. Gradually, we became very fond of each other and he sometimes slept over at mine.

"He lived alone and when he suggested I moved in with him, I agreed. The children were in the boarding house-and having them for the holidays wouldn't be a problem. As soon as Jacob's divorce was through, he promised we would get married-I was very happy. The fact that he was technically married didn't bother me and he openly let me know when he was popping over to his old house to see his two children. I was after all, a mother and knew the importance of both parents to children.

"I later discovered that life with Jacob wasn't always smooth-sailing. When we had rows, he would storm off for hours. Then last year, the friend I met him through arranged for us to come with her family to the Benin Republic to see a relative and have a holiday in the process. I jumped at the chance and Jacob was quite willing to go. The morning we were to go, he picked up a quarrel and stormed off again. I was furious when he didn't turn up hours later, fearing he might be in an accident. I called my friend to cancel the trip, telling her why. She calmly told me Jacob was already outside their house in the car with his wife! I was in shock. I'd believed him 100 per cent when he said they'd split. I'd had no reason not to. We were living together for heaven's sake! I asked my friend to take the phone to him, but he refused to talk to me.

About Time You Knew Dad Too Had Something To Do With That Adorable New Baby!

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~vanguard nigeria. Sunday, April 15, 2018.

FINDINGS have shown that becoming a father is a major life event which changes family relationships, brings new responsibilities and has a major economic impact on the new parents.

Men have their own needs as new fathers, yet can also lack information about how they can support their partners. Michael 26, was totally unprepared for fatherhood when Sammy, his 23- year-old undergraduate wife suddenly discovered she was pregnant.

"Sammy and I had been together for two years when she got pregnant. She was studying to become a teacher and I'd just got a fairly good job after my youth service," explained Michael.

"Sammy told her parents and they informed mine. All of a sudden, wedding plans were being made – and it had to happen before the baby arrived. It didn't seem real. Marriage was the furtherest thought on my mind. I would have preferred we were both working but here was Sammy starting to look pregnant. Would our lives change much? Even though we both have caring families, my main worry was supporting the three of us on my new salary that was scarcely enough for my needs. Once in a while, I asked myself: 'What have I done?'

"The wedding was a blur – it was something I had to get over with. My worry now was the baby and how I'd cope with the birth. Would I let my new wife down by being too squeamish? In the end, our son's birth was the most powerful, moving event of my entire life. Like most new fathers, I was present at the birth and I'm not ashamed to admit I cried.

"When we brought the baby to our new flat, I felt a bit sidelined. The whole focus of both families was on the baby – and then my wife. No one seemed interested in me.

"It may sound selfish but my life had changed over-night too, and I had no idea what my new role was. I was a bit lost. Since then however, I've realised being a dad means getting on with it. And it's hard work, believe me. I had to learn to change nappies, prepare his food when he was weaned off breast milk and give him his bath when I could. We are lucky that our son is not one of the screamy type, still both of us are exhausted – no thanks to househelps who seem to up and go whenever they feel like it.

"But my wife and I are finding our feet, but I feel the pressure being the only wage earner. My mum and my wife's mum take turns looking after the baby when Sammy returned to schooL Her main worry is her post-baby stomach but I assure her always she looks good to me. Her body makes me love her even more – a proof she brought our child into the word. To be honest, I found the news I was going to be a dad scary and bewildering – but it is a wonderful experience. When my son, who now crawls all over the place, gives me his toothy smile, everything suddenly seems worth it. I know I have to do my best for him for the rst of my life. And that's something that comes naturally - eventually"!

Our 'assets', a blessing and curse -Women with large boobs and bums

By Eric Dumo
Sunday, March 11, 2018

Daramola Salako

Adedoyin Ajayi is a young lady full of life. A small-scale business woman, her job allows her to
interact with persons from diverse backgrounds on a daily basis. Though she operates from the Ikosi area of Lagos, the 28-year-old constantly moves to different parts of the city to carry out transactions. But despite her frequent interactions with people, Ajayi likes to stay away from the limelight. Even though a very friendly person, certain elements have contributed to making her uncomfortable around strangers these days.

"I feel very uncomfortable with the stares I get from people, especially men whenever I am walking on the road," the young woman said, her face growing pale. "Once I emerge, people look at me as if they had seen a 'ghost'. Some, especially the men, even follow me about just to feed their eyes the more. It is a big problem for me," she added.

Endowed with large breasts and big buttocks, Ajayi's 'heavenly assets' are increasingly proving to be one of her biggest problems today. At only 28, what the Oyo State-born lady 'carries', can perhaps be imagined on most women two times her age, who after several child births would have added more flesh in these 'critical' regions. Besides the leg-crumbling stares she gets from people, the attention from men - old and young - has become a major source of concern for her.

"Sometimes I feel as if I had committed a big crime by having large buttocks and boobs," Ajayi cut in sharply during an encounter with our correspondent at a popular drinking joint around her neighbourhood earlier in the week. "There is nowhere I go to that people don't make me feel uncomfortable with their stares. As a matter of fact, I have had to cancel some movements simply because I want to save myself the emotional burden that comes with this problem. On several occasions, I have had to take a cab to certain places just to avoid being harassed by people, especially the men for my endowments.

"Apart from the kind of looks I get from people, the disturbance I get from men asking me out is enough for me to remain permanently indoors. A lot of times, when people like these can't get my contact, they go to look for me on Facebook to see if they search with my name maybe they can find me. But because I changed the spelling of my name on that platform, it is difficult for them to find me. I know this because some men who disturb me a lot confess to me that they went to find me on Facebook.

"Though I can handle the situation better now than I used to some years back, I still find it hard to cope with the different names men call me as a result of my big bum and breasts. Many of them promise me all sorts of things but because I know they are only lusting after my body, I don't give them a chance. This issue is a big problem for me," she said.

...about Bob Marley's death

~Sources

Former CIA agent Bill Oxley has confessed on his deathbed to assassinating Bob Marley on behalf of the government.
A 79-year-old retired officer of the CIA, Bill Oxley, has made a series of stunning confessions since he was admitted to the Mercy Hospital in Maine on Monday and told he has weeks to live. He claims he committed 17 assassinations for the American government between 1974 and 1985, including the music icon Bob Marley.

Mr. Oxley, who worked for the CIA for 29 years as an operative with top-level security clearances, claims he was often used as a hitman by the organization, to assassinate individuals who could represent a threat to the goals of the agency.

Trained as a sniper and marksman, Mr. Oxley also has significant experience with more unconventional methods of inflicting harm upon others, like poisons, explosives, induced heart attacks and cancer.

The 79-year-old operative claims he committed the assassinations between March 1974 and August 1985, at a time when he says the CIA “was a law unto itself.” He says he was part of an operative cell of three members which carried out political assassinations across the country and occasionally in foreign countries.

Most of their victims were political activists, journalists, and union leaders, but he also confesses to assassinating a few scientists, medical researchers, artists and musicians whose ideas and influence “represented a threat to the interests of the United States.”

He claims he had no problem with going through with the assassination of Bob Marley, because “I was a patriot, I believed in the CIA, and I didn’t question the motivation of the agency. I’ve always understood that sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good.”

Problems you shouldn't have in new relationships?

~The SUN Nigeria. Sunday, November 5, 2017.

The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be easy. You both have these hormones surging through you that make everything feel so light, easy, radiant, and exciting.

You are walking on cloud nine. Life somehow feels better than usual and you are always smiling. You brush off little things that would normally bother you in the beginning of a relationship.

You really shouldn't be fighting much in a new relationship. If you are, then you are just in the wrong relationship. If you are fighting in the beginning of a relationship, you should be concerned. How are you going to be when the high of the new relationship wears off?

You shouldn't be having the problems mentioned below in your new relationship.

Making time for each other

If a new relationship is healthy and on the right track, you make time for each other, even if there isn't any. You lose a couple of hours of sleep if those hours are the only time you can be together. Being together a lot, in the beginning, is how you build the foundation of your relationship.

Calling/texting

You can't build a relationship with somebody who takes days to respond to a text, doesn't answer calls, and just generally doesn't communicate with you. If you are bickering in a new relationship about phone etiquette, the thing you have may not stand a chance.

Scheduling

Cancelling at the last minute, failing to schedule things in advance, double booking-things like this should not happen in the beginning of a relationship. If somebody cannot just work you into their calendar or give you a simple yes or no answer about dinner now, then he or she will be a ghost of a partner down the line.

The crackdown on Southern Cameroonians

~ Tribune Nigeria. Thursday, October 12, 2017.

THE axiom that freedom is never willingly given by the oppressor but must be demanded by the oppressed cannot be more apt in dissecting the current crackdown on “dissident” elements in Southern Cameroon. Just like the unsavoury events that followed the independence votes in Kurdistan and Catalonia, Southern Cameroon was a theatre of anguish penultimate week. On October 1, the day some separatist elements in the region sought to symbolically regain their independence from the Republic of Cameroon, the Paul Biya-led government unveiled the state apparatus to crush any dissent. The symbolic declaration of independence was made on social media by one Sisiku Ayuk, the “president” of Ambazonia.

Early this year, the Biya government cut off internet access in the region for three months. It did not even bother to adopt the option of counter narratives to whatever the “separatists” were saying. It announced a temporary restriction on travel and public meetings across the South-West Region. This was after imposing a curfew in the neighbouring North-West Region. Only a fifth of Cameroon’s 22 million people are English-speaking, and the government has always sought to suppress this minority. In 1961, the former British entity, Southern Cameroons, united with Cameroon after its independence from France in 1960. At the inception of the union, the federalist system was adopted, but things were to change in 1974 when a patently fraudulent referendum stage-managed by the centralist government in Yaounde imposed the establishment of the Republic of Cameroon.

The assimilation process, a feature of colonial rule, was adopted by the Yaounde government, along with disparities in many parts of the country’s national life: the distribution and control of oil wealth, education and the judicial system. Believing that the federal arrangement, which would allow them considerable power over their own destiny is the way forward for a united and prosperous Cameroon, the Southern Cameroonians have always staged protests, with a much more hard-line section embracing violent rhetoric and calling for outright secession from the country and the formation of a dream country, Ambazonia. But the central government has never pretended to be enamoured of the federalist proposal, let alone secession. On September 22, as thousands of “Ambazonians” took to the streets in the two English-speaking regions of Cameroon, soldiers reportedly shot at least eight people dead in the restive Anglophone belt, notably Buea in the South-West and Bamenda, the main town in the North-West. Thereafter, teachers and lawyers hit the streets in protest over the use of French in Anglophone schools and courts. This soon mutated into an outright demand for Ambazonia.

How to handle a cheating spouse

Written by MOTUNRAYO JOEL 
~Punch Nigeria. Monday, April 10, 2017. 

On June 4, 2015, Mrs. Bukola Yusuf (not real name), a mother of three stormed out of her house in shorts, "I was prepared to engage in a fight with the woman who 'stole' my husband's heart," she told our correspondent.

She said she was fed up with the woman who constantly called and sent messages to her husband's phone.

Yusuf said, "At midnight, my husband's phone would ring; whenever I confronted him about it, he would say, 'It is a useless woman disturbing my phone.' I believed him because I trusted him."

When she discovered that the lady disturbing her peace lived two streets away from hers, she became furious.

"That day-June 4, I was ready to fight; to put an end to everything. But my neighbours stopped me from storming the lady's house," she said.

Little did Yusuf know that her husband was having an affair with the lady. She didn't suspect because he promised her he would never cheat on her. He constantly reassured her of his undying love for her, and like every 'good' wife, she believed him.

"My husband does not have only one girlfriend, I heard he has several girlfriends. I almost lost my mind the period I discovered about his cheating lifestyle. I would cry for days; I felt worthless. He couldn't hold his emotions one night; he blatantly told me that he loves the woman that had been calling his phone. He confessed and said that they met some months ago and that he had been hiding it from me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings," she said.

Yusuf told SUNDAY PUNCH that her husband shares his time between her and his girlfriends.

Yusuf isn't the only one battling with a cheating spouse; Mrs. Toyin Oyebanjo (not real name) is paddling the same boat.

Oyebanjo believes her husband's 'womanising' nature started before they got married. She said she thought he would change.

"I have been married to him for 15 years; we separated for two years. It breaks my heart to say that I've not been happy in my marriage since I got married. People may say I was stupid for marrying him, knowing quite well that he can't remain with one woman. But I thought he would change; I thought his love for me would change him,'' she said.

Wanna kill yourself? A Suicide Awareness!

Sent by Nwachukwu Nwabufo
~ Nigeria. March 23, 2017

# SuicideAwareness 

Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the
letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready.

You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” 
Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. 


Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything.

Sex surrogates: Your man's impotence has a solution!

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard Nigeria. Friday, February 17, 2017.

AS I bent over Ken, a truncheon in my hand, he looked up at me with a strange sort of longing in his eyes. I kissed him hard on the lips and moved my mouth over his neck and chest. I let him get a good look at me in my American cop uniform before I took off my top and threw it on the floor. I stepped out of my knickers and straddled

him on the bed, kissing him again and stroking his body. And then it happened. I saw him get aroused as I watched. 'Bingo,' I thought, and slipping on protection, he maintained his erection as we had sex. You see George has an intimacy problem. He's in a long-term relationship and madly in love with his girlfriend but he struggles to get an erection during sex. My job is to help him-and other men like him-find their confidence sexually…."

Ashley Grayson is one of a growing number of sexual surrogates all over the world. She is married and what she does is far from prostitution. She continues:"I'm not a prostitute, although I have been called one by people ignorant of my profession. I'm a sex surrogate. I help men with sexual or intimacy problems. I step in for their partner when there's a problem and I coach them through it. I also work with single men who

have sexual anxieties and need help to overcome them. I'm in partnership with a qualified sexual psychologist who holds therapy sessions with clients. There, she will talk to them about their most intimate thoughts, experiences and issues and draw out their insecurities and anxieties. We then work together to devise a 'sexual programme' to help the client overcome his problems.

"And that's where I come in. I work one-on-one with the men over several sessions, sometimes as many as a dozen. We start off very slowly and I usually start by working on eye contact and holding hands. My job is to help the man overcome his problems with intimacy. So he can go back to his partner a confident sexual being. Or, if he's single, he can initiate a sexual relationship and follow through with it, without crippling fear or insecurities stopping him. Sexual therapy of this kind enables the client to discover intimacy as a healing experience, free from the pressures, potential rejection and judgemental attitudes they have experienced in their sexual conditioning.

Elusive female orgasm: who is to blame?

Written by Yetunde Arebi
~Vanguard Nigeria.  Friday, December 16, 2016. 

Female orgasm remains a contemporary issue in female sexual experience because of its complexity both scientifically and naturally. Many factors such as culture and tradition, religion, education. exposure, communication and personality also contribute to the difficulties faced by couples to make this happen with every sexual experience. In my quest to make this near magical experience more accessible to more women, I asked a couple of friends to share their views on the subject with me. It’s quite hilarious:

Bimbo Mate is a 46 year old Civil Servant and Relationship Counsellor. She thinks it is a now social problem:

This is a big problem between many couples. Some years ago, this was not a very important issue in many relationships. Not because it was not there, but because couples hardly talked about it nor did they actually make it a subject of discussion among their friends. But today, things have changed. Nigerians are more enlightened, we are not only more conscious of our surroundings, but of ourselves too.

Women who were hitherto, subservient to their men are now gaining more grounds by the day. There is educational freedom, economic freedom, and a conscious pursuit of good health and general well being on the part of individuals as a whole. So, many women are no longer interested in handouts and leftovers from the men. Even where the women still lack economic power, they have the advantage of education and social awareness to help them get their goals.

So, it’s only natural that things can no longer remain as they were some 30, 20, or even 10 years ago. Women now want to live a more pleasurable and fulfilled life. Back then, women who were bold enough to demand and take what they knew was good for them in relationships were often castigated and labelled. In extreme cases, their men may even seek divorce because of these women’s perceived overbearing attitude. But now, the reverse is more or less the case.

What African husbands expect of their wives

~Punch Nigeria. Wednesday, December 7, 2016. 

In no particular order, this is what some African men say they expect of their wives…

Slim down. Don't let people take you for my mother when, indeed, you are my wife. I love to see you exercise and eat less.

Don't disrespect me. I want to feel respected even with my imperfections. Correct me with respect.

Don't always claim your right. Be quick to say, “I am sorry.”

Don't delay me when we have to go out together. Start getting ready well ahead of time and don’t ever keep me waiting.

I love good food. If you have to attend catering school to make me eat well, please do.

I hate nagging. When you make your request, believe in me to do it in my own time. No amount of nagging can change me.

Don't belittle or gossip about me to anyone. If there are issues that need be to addressed, find a quiet time when we can talk, just the two of us; not necessarily in the middle of the night when you’re most likely going to disturb my sleep.

Don't prioritise anyone over me. Make me your number one - not your pastor, the children, your friends or your family.

Yes, I love sex! Don't withhold it. And don't ever use it as a bargaining chip.

Stop acting like my mother.

What can hurt your sex life

Written by Funmi Akingbade
Phone: +234 8096762941, +234 8029593116

~Punch Nigeria. Sunday, November 6, 2016.

Funmi Akingbade

Many of our readers have been sending countless questions to us wanting to know if there are other things that can hurt their sex life apart from bad addictive habits and some common illnesses that have been mentioned on this platform.

Do you know that being mere can hurt a couple's sex life? As simple as being over excited may look or appear, when married couples are not very mindful of this act, they are unknowingly destroying their sex bed. I am sure many of our readers may think this is not so. But do you know that sometimes, when men are overexcited about having sex, they totally forget about the needs of their wives. And what happens is that, during sex, the husband clumsily squeezes the wife's breast.


The point is that during intercourse, the wife is not warmed up and therefore does not enjoy sex as much as the husband. This action hurts couple's sex life and before you know it, the unsatisfied partner is either not showing interest any more or looking for sex elsewhere. So, husbands, go down on your wife like you mean it! If you want her to enjoy sex, then you neted to enjoy performing oral sex on her. Just like nothing is sexier to many husbands than wives giving them a blow job, nothing is sexier to many wives than a husband who enjoys giving oral pleasure. Documentation shows that only about 25 to 30 per cent of married women orgasm or reach climax through sex and most of these women need and likely want clitoral stimulation in addition to sex. I tell men that when you are through, still go down on your wife. You will be surprised to see another side of her, try it tonight. When you roll over after sex and tell her, 'sorry dear, it's just too hot, or I am so tired from office work, or don't worry, next time I will make out time, then you keep a foot of distance between you and her.

Maybe you chat with her a bit before falling asleep. She is noticeable annoyed and it will backfire sooner or later. Even if you are not someone who likes to touch after sex, you just must learn how to. You can start off small and make some kind of physical contact a normal part of your after-sex routine. Scratch her back for a little while and lay a little closer than normal. Once you have scratched her back for a while, move to a closer touch. Cuddling after sex will bring the two of you closer together. One of the most successful marriage relationships has been linked to bonds created after sex and cuddling. According to research, the way you approach your partner after sex is really important to how you approach your relationship in general. When you and your wife barely experience spark after sex, it could hurt your sex life.

The Patient Wife Gets Her Man At What Cost!

~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, September 18, 2016. 

IT was a little incident, but it opened the floodgate of nostalgia, I'd arrived late at a wedding reception and was ushered to what looked like the high table. The groom's mother is a close friend. I sensed rather than saw this look of disapproval burning into my scalp. I turned, and there she was – Dolapo's wife. I held her gaze and gave as much hostility as she emitted. She promptly looked away. How long ago was it? Over 20 years at least. I'd met Dolapo on a flight from abroad when he wangled his way to the empty seat by my side in first class. Those were the good old days!

The goodies I didn't want jostled about in the haul was deliberately perched on the empty seat next to mine. I had to shift for Dolapo to sit down. It later expired that the seat was booked in his assistant's name but he quickly nudged the poor man towards his own seat so he could sit next to me. I wasn't really interested in what he had to say. Someone else had treated me to this holiday and I'd had fun. Then I noticed he was a picky eater. First, he didn't touch the individual pot of caviar that was served with the starter. Then the lobster in his main dish was left untouched. "I'm allergic to sea food," he whined. Deftyly, I scooped the lobster on to my plate and retrieved the pot of caviar.

"That moment you stole my food," Dolapo later boasted, "I knew I would get my pound of flesh!" And he was a very easy person to love. In spite of his position, he conducted our affair as if he were single. Our social outings were very public and once or twice, his private driver had hinted I should ask him to be a bit careful, that whenever he sent him to mine, it was always within ear- short of the poor wife.


What exactly was I supposed to do? From the little he told me, his marriage obviously wasn't up to much. What was more, I was almost divorced, I had no irate husband to worry about. We were together every opportunity we had and the man's appetite for sex was insatiable! It was as if he couldn't have enough of me. Even when we were apart, I had one of these cordless phones with a very wide range as mobiles weren't in vogue then. I took the phone everywhere I went and became a laughing stock with my friends.

Still, Dolapo's wife's ghost was always there. I saw both of them together a few times in the dailies and she fitted my image of a dull, frumpy wife. Even the wig she always had on looked like a badly used mop. I was never a frumpy dresser and for him, I pushed the boat out a bit – wearing really flattering gears any time we were together. And he often spent the night too – his martyr of a wife never questioned him and they had separate bedrooms.

My advice to married couples after divorcing my wife of 16 years

~The SUN Nigeria. Sunday, August 7, 2016.

It is not every day you get to hear a man, especially in these parts, admitting that making a marriage work is not just the wife's job. When a marriage breaks up here, the woman gets all the blame or at best, the bulk of it. It is either she has gone fat or can no longer satisfy her husband in bed or her career has taken over her family life. Maybe she now dresses shabbily or suddenly her educational qualification is below her husband's new status but today, a man, black though not Nigerian, offers a candid insight into all those things men take for granted in marriage, and perhaps why marriages are collapsing faster than they are being contracted. Here we go…

Obviously, I'm not a relationship expert. But there's something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me a perspective of things I wish I would have done different... After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here's the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You're not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other every day. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don't take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

SEX IS GOD'S IDEA: SEXUALITY IN GOD'S KINGDOM ON EARTH

Written by Rev. Dr. Adenike Yesufu

Email: ayesufu@yahoo.ca

World Health Organization says that sex occurs more than 100 million times everyday around the world. For all its frequency, sex remains a private, personal, intensely individual and complex matter in people's lives and in many cultures. God in the Garden of Eden inaugurated heterosexual relationship when He gave Eve to Adam. The Bible introduces sex. 

The Bible celebrates sex. Forget the apple narrative; sex is given for procreation and for pleasure. All societies control sexuality. All societies have social norms that grant approval to certain sexual behavior and disapproval of others. No society grants unrestricted sexual liberties. Even as sexuality is God's gift to human beings, God places limitations on sexual practices, not to cause discomfort for His creatures but to ensure that physical relations are the most special and unique expression of love and trust a human being can bestow on one another. God's limitations on sex are positive. Without limitations, sex becomes mere performance and everything is devalued.

However, in the fast-paced world of today, sex seems to be on everybody's mind and lips. Malcolm Muggeridge says Society has sex on its brain; it is a very uncomfortable place to have it. I remember The Thorn Birds, the movie based on the novel by Colleen McCullough. I also remember Richard Chamberlain's excellent performance as Father Ralph. Many people see the Thorn Birds as a love story. However, I see a priest's intense struggle with his Spirituality (his love for God) and his Sexuality (his human passion). There is no doubt that Father Ralph loves his God more than he loves the woman of focus as he claims in the movie. In spite of his unflinching commitment to God and his vocation, Father Ralph succumbed to the lure of the flesh. For me this story represents the sexual struggles of many Christians in today's world. This led me to reflect on Sexuality in God's Kingdom on earth.

Society continues to experience a sexual revolution that has led to changes in many areas of human sexuality. Attitudes towards sexual permissiveness have changed with people having a more tolerant view of it. The Media generally permissive with sexual content continues to portray non-marital sex as exciting, spontaneous sex as romantic, extra marital sex as normal and inevitable. Sexual issues have become so overt with the incessant bombardment and assault by the media that it is definitely always in everybody's face and thereby almost on everybody's mind, even on Christian minds. Who can resist the temptation of thoughtful engagement? Society has become permissive. It is now judgmental within the Church to discuss human sexuality from moral perspectives.