He is married, so what?

By Kemi Dayo-Aiyetan

DATING is about choices and nobody should be forced into any. While some ladies go for eligible bachelors, some would opt for married men. Many singles, especially ladies, have excuses for dating married men.

Linda, 35, tender hers. She said, ”I waited eight years for a bachelor to propose and when I was getting older, I went for who was available – a married man. He is caring, but he has never promised me marriage. He says his home is important to him and I respect him for this. He is generous too and would do anything to make me happy, except that we are not married. The problem is that most bachelors are not ready for marriage. Do I wait for such? My family members are on my neck and I am even thinking of getting pregnant for this married man, his happy family notwithstanding. Fortunately, my job can sustain me and a child. So I don‘t need his money. Even if he does not want the baby, I am ready. My life must move on.”

Lizzy, 32, is also in Linda‘s shoes, but the man‘s wife is a thorn in her flesh. She explains, ”We have been seeing each other for a year now and he told me his wife knew about it because she had not been able to produce any child in their 10-yar-old marriage. I love him and he must have fallen in love with me too. Though he has not proposed marriage because he is a Catholic and would not go for polygamy, I know he would marry me if he had the opportunity; but his wife is a witch.

”She must have cast a spell on him because, lately, he has stopped visiting. He hardly calls and whenever I do, he would drop my call. Dating married men could be Herculean, especially with a wicked wife. She now picks his calls and rains curses on me whenever I call. I went to his office, but his secretary would not allow me in and I have been waiting for him to come back. It is not a pleasant experience sharing a man with another woman but where are the bachelors? They have refused to come and I need to settle my emotional needs.”

Different strokes for different folks. There are some singles whose dream is actually to be a second wife! Anne, 28, a youth corps member in Abuja, shared her experience. She said, ”I knew I could never marry a bachelor because I have never had them come my way. Maybe due to my huge frame, I get wooed by married men, even when I was in the secondary school. Currently, the man I am dating is divorced, with three kids. Though the woman is making attempts to come back, my guy has proposed to me.

”Recently, he confessed that his family members had prevailed on him to accept the first wife because of the kids, but he would still marry me. Already, we have started scouting for an accommodation and getting ready to see my parents. I would say that it is not written in any law that a man should marry a wife! Not all women would end up with young and single men; some are destined to be either the second/third or fourth fiddle. You pick what suits you.”

Polygamy is suitable than being single? For Efe, 34, the answer is positive. Said Efe, ”I have done all I could to get a young man for marriage, but none has appeared. Rather, I have been used, duped and dumped. Last year, I decided to date a guy, who had been on my neck for a long time. Initially, I didn‘t want him because he was married but, as time went on, I knew there was nothing I could do waiting for an imaginary Mr. Right.

”This guy is older, more generous and has promised me marriage if I can produce a male child for him. He has seven daughters! Though I don‘t have him always, I have a well-furnished flat, a car, a driver and a fat bank account always. I have told my mother and she has agreed that I marry him but the problem is getting pregnant. I have had two fibroid surgeries and it is difficult to get pregnant. Though I told him, he has promised to take me abroad for treatment. Tell me, how many bachelors can do that? They are selfish! They are always talking about needs and not how one can move forward! I am done with them and no going back.”