Fanning the embers of a dying love

By Chinyere Fred Adegbulugbe

What do you do when you wake up and suddenly ask yourself who the person lying beside you really is? When you wonder how you ended up having such a person as your spouse, then there is trouble. That was exactly how Roberts described his relationship with his wife until recently. "I would ask myself what the stranger was doing beside me. Not only had she changed so much physically that I could hardly recognise her even when I took a closer look, her attitude was completely different. She became very cantankerous and at a point, I told myself I wasn‘t going to go on with that marriage unless I was ready to die of frustration,” he recalls.

Did he divorce her thereafter? Surprisingly, Roberts said no. As a matter of fact, according to him, his marriage at present, is as happy as he could ever wish for. What then happened? ”After so many complaints to friends, who had no useful advice to give me, I decided to find a solution to my unhappiness. First, I realised that my wife had become overweight despite the fact that she was working so hard. Not only was she going out everyday, our three small children usually kept her so busy that she hardly ever had any free time for herself. Now the question I asked myself was this: how could a woman, who is so much hard-working and ever busy, gain so much weight?

”After some time, I discovered that she was stuffing herself with food, every little time she had. She was simply ever eating.

“Then the truth came out: just like me, she was also not happy with the turn our marriage had taken. Though of course her disillusion about the marriage came before mine and she took refuge in eating. And, as a result, she was gaining weight on a daily basis and was quite helpless about it. Her new looks, which looked natural, did not even make matters any better for her. That also affected her attitude, as she became bitter and would snap at me or the children at the very slightest provocation.”

Well, Roberts said he decided to become more loving towards her since she confessed that it was his uncaring attitude that made her to take solace in food. And unknown to him also, she was already romancing with alcohol, though she managed to conceal that part from him and the children.

So what steps did he take to bring their relationship to what it used to be?

"I made up my mind to become her lover once again. Every weekend, I would take her out, while the children stayed back home with the nanny. Even when we had little money, we would go to an eatery and just eat, sit and chat for as long as we wanted. Then I also made it a matter of a rule that I would not attend any party without her by my side. My friends were wondering what was wrong with me. Apart from business meetings, you would see me with my wife at any gathering. That, of course, meant that the time I usually spent with the ‘boys‘ was no longer there, but I didn‘t mind one bit. And it paid off. With time, the smile started returning to her face. She became much nicer, even to the children. True laughter returned to our home and we started working on her weight, together.

“Now we can actually say we are happily married.”

To think that his marriage would have packed up two years ago if he hadn‘t decided to tackle the challenges. The mere thought of it, he says, makes him to shudder. But that goes to simply re-echo what many marriage experts have always said: marriage isn‘t a bed of roses. Therefore, for one to have a good one, you must be ready to work at it. It doesn‘t come on a platter of gold, not at all. That is one lesson Roberts has had to learn.