He left me in his house and went home and got married — Delia, 28

Written by Chioma Gabriel

After what I went through in the hands of JAY, my boyfriend and fiancé of five years, I have come to the conclusion that there is no end to what the sons of Adam could do to the daughters of Eve. I am the kind of woman who lays my cards on the table. When I was younger, I had a couple of boyfriends and I made it strictly plain to them that we were just friends and nothing else. I was not thinking of love or settling down in marriage at that point. And that was the life I lived as a student.
But things changed for me after I graduated from the university. I was 21 then and wanted an early marriage.

So, as usual, I always told the guys me mind. I was no longer into a boyfriend/girlfriend affair. I told the guys that I’d want to settle down and if that was okay with them, it was fine with me. I always gave them time to think it over and come back if it pleased them or they should go and never come back. Three of the guys I first told that I wanted to settle down left and did not come back.
I was alone for about nine months without anybody approaching me for friendship or anything. I wondered if anything was wrong with me but I was satisfied with the features I see in the full-length mirror in my bedroom. I didn’t want to make mistakes as I am the only daughter of my parents and they have four boys who are my seniors. I’d seen how they messed up girls and then abandon them and I swore it was not the kind of life I would like to live. I wanted to get married and start a family.

It was during the job interview I attended in a communication company that I met Jay. He was working in a sister organisation of the firm where I went to look for job. He and his friend gave me a ride from the Island to the Mainland when I was going. They even argued over who should have me but Jay told his pal that he wanted me to settle down with him. He told me his friend was just a playboy and a spoilt brat who would ruin my life. Jay said his friend had a catalogue of girlfriends and that I would just be one of them. His friend laughed at everything Jay said and winked at me, raising his two hands in surrender. Jay promised to help me get the job and, by a stroke of luck, I got a call frm the Human Resources department which told me I should come and pick my employment letter. That was how I resumed work with the communication firm.

Naturally, Jay was the first person I called to tell him about the job offer and I thanked him profusely for the part he played. And so, we became friends. I was at the Victoria Island office while he worked at the Central Lagos outlet. We became a pair and everybody knew we are dating. For two years, we had a platonic relationship until Jay began to visit me in my parents house and they got to know him. He felt at home whenever he visited and he was my mother’s best friend. My brothers dotted on him and called him in-law, which he proudly answered.

My parents and siblings were at peace that, at last, I’d found myself a responsible young man. I had no other person in my life. I was satisfied with just seeing Jay everyday of the week or speaking with him on the phone. We would spend hours on the phone and he always found reasons to visit my branch everyday. In the office, I was called his wife and I was actually thinking and acting like a married woman. It was always Jay coming to visit me and I felt comfortable that it was the right thing for a man to seek his wife.

Two years into our relationship, Jay had cause to change his job for a more lucrative job in a new communication firm where he became one of the top-shots. This time, his office was at Victoria Island and a very good opportunity for us to see ourselves more often. But I began to see less of Jay and he told me he had a lot of responsibility and was always at meetings. But he took out time to come and see me one Friday and he came with the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Her name was Victoria and he decided to drive me home that day.

He dropped Victoria at Race-Course and drove me home to his own apartment. He said that since we were going to get married, I could now spend weekends with him and so, I did. On Sunday, he drove me back to my house, gisted with my mother before leaving.. We had three years of sexual relationship before I realised Jay was getting distant. I didn’t know what it was and my parents were worried he has not started to formalise our relationship.

I didn’t think it was a subject I should broach with him and so I was silent. But my parents were getting uneasy and my father had a long discussion with him a couple of times but Jay assured them there was no cause for alarm. I went to his place one weekend and noticed a black G-string pant and a matching bra. I asked him who owned them and he said he thought they were mine. But later, he said his younger sister at Unilag visited and they must belong to her.

Another time, I found a pair of ear-rings in his chest drawer and I knew I’d seen them before. The girl Victoria wore those earrings the first day I met her. Things continued that way but I’d never seen any girl with him and so I couldn’t prove anything. One day, he said he was going on his annual leave and needed to visit his parents at Calabar.

I was alone in his apartment when his male-friend visited. He was shocked to see me and asked what I was doing there and why I didn’t follow Jay to Calabar where he had gone to marry Victoria, I almost fainted but I stayed and waited for Jay to come back and tell me to my face that he travelled for his traditional wedding.

But it was needless because Jay returned with Victoria two weeks later and I didn’t need to be told anything. He was shedding tears as he apologised profusely saying he didn’t know how to tell me.

Comment(s):
Responsibility V Morality
Written by Jimmy (gibdean@yahoo.com)

Dear Delia,
I am at sea as to which of the many angles that come to my mind would serve as a suitable discuss in relation to your story, I feel for you because I know how it hurts to see the values you lived for disintegrate before your very eyes. First, I am careful not to be tagged superstitious if I say that the trysts of your brothers with other women rubbed-off on you, in which case, you for no fault of yours (other than that you are a woman) are reaping from what your brothers sowed. In otherwords you have gone through this so that your brothers who will no doubt be hurt, can water the bad seed they planted.

On the other hand, I thought you were too laid back. Otherwise, what will two adults of marriageable age and good jobs be doing courting for 5years?
Contrary to your principles according to you, it would appear that you failed to define the relationship from its onset. Perhaps if you had, you would not be in doubt were it would be leading to. Jay can pass as one who ate his cake and had it back, I know you might think I am harsh or taking sides but, sincerely, did Jay ever propose to you? You assumed you were headed for the alter by people calling you his wife and your family calling him their in-law. If relationships where all was spelt out flop, how much more relationships such as yours based on assumptions. I respect your values from your university days, but it is unfortunate that like the biblical Job, "that which you greatly feared", came upon you. How much better if you had kept your self up until marriage. That way it won't hurt so badly after Jay exhibited how ineffeminate he was.

By and large, let me assure you that principles like yours not to fool around till marriage still work, but only for those who will see it till the end. For as it is often said, if you do not stand up for something, you will fall for anything. I wish you a more rewarding relationship in future and as you learn from this experience, a man who truly deserves you will show up. I can assure you, you are better of without Jay.