Matured Jokes

TWO NUNS
Sent by Gershon YAO-DABLU - Ghana

A Month Overdue!

Sent by Justine Hingha Lamboi (Mr.) - Sierra Leone

Mr. Sharma comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the

electricity bill has not been paid.

“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?”

"Yes... speaking"

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"

" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you that you are overdue"

"I know that ..let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,

rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious.

All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

The husband collapsed!!

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There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
---------------------------------------------------

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent Somalatha home for the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:Weight loss program for men
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently.....
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her. When he finished and still panting, the wife said " You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No indeed, Madam" said the gardener!!!.
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A bloke calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing,  he finally gives up.


The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lbs. as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape  and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four
days, the same  routine happens with him gradually getting in better and
better shape .


Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program .
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.


The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass
is mine.'


He lost 63 pounds that week...
__________________________
Grammar lesson
 Sent by Armanda D. - Portugal


Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.
So eventually the doctor refers him to an old Gypsy medicine woman.
The medicine woman says, "I can cure this." That said, she throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
She collects the ash, then she says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine woman replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine woman had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition
________________________________
A Test of  'Fidelity'

Sent by Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.

 It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and quickly headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." 

And the moral of this story is: 

Always keep your condoms in your car ! 

(Caution: Do not quote)

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Good manners !
Sent by Yodit Arefaine - Eritrea


During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
" Michael , if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted...
__________________________

NECROPHILIA!

Sent by Justine Lamboi - Sierra Leone

A man was brought before the judge and charged

With NECROPHILIA i:e making love to a dead person.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.

Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE Good reasons:

1. It’s none of your damn business;

2. She is my wife; and.....

3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way when we are on!"

ACQUITTED AND DISCHARGE !

_______________________________

Smart Bob 

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.

‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’

Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.

________________________________

SERVICE
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service', as in:
    Internal Revenue   'Service' 
    US Postal  'Service' 
    Telephone 'Service' 
    TV 'Service'  
    Civil  'Service' 
    State, City, County & Public  'Service' 
    Customer 'Service' 
This is not what I  thought 'service' meant.  But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.  

BAM!  It all came into focus.  Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am?

____________________________

The sound proof kitchen

Sent by Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire

Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine
of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss was suspicious and decided to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water).

Bakari as usual, drank the wine and topped it
up with water (to replace what he drank).
But unfortunately for him, immediately he added
water the pastis became milky. And when the Boss
Came back and noticed it, he knew he had nailed
Bakari. Bakari also knew that he was in big trouble and decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home.

The Boss told his wife and said he would call Bakari to come and acknowledge his evil ways.

"Bakari!", he called from the sitting room. Bakari answered: "Yes, Boss"."Who drank my pastis?".
No answer. The Boss asked again: still no answer.
Then the Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there:
"Are you insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "
Bakari retorted that "when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything at all, except your name"

“Is that so?” asked the boss, "Okay, you stay beside  my wife, while I’ll go in the kitchen, and you will ask me a question ".Bakari accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Bakari shouted:
"Boss".
He answered: "Yes, Bakari".
"Who goes into the maids’ bedroom when your wife is not there? "
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
No answer.
Third time; "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"

The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting
"Wonders will never cease"  Bakari, It is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except ones name.

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Shameful suspicion