Who said men CAN'T think quickly!!!
A husband and wife were travelling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town. After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too
tired to continue. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750. The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price.
The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to the Manager.
The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference centre, and they featured spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, Cape Town, Durban perform here, " he explained. No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!"
"Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager.
"But we didn't!!" exclaimed the now rather angry man.
The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay. He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was
surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But sir," he said," this cheque is made out for only R200!"
"That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager.
"Well," the man replied, "She was here, and you could have."
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but; find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
__________________________
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in this world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I cannot give you cyanide to kill your husband. That is against the law! I will lose my license!
They will throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
ABOSOLUTELY not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
Guess what happened!
Guess what happened!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You did not tell me you had a prescription.
__________________________________
Mississippi
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal
A bus stop and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."
__________________________________
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."
__________________________________
MARITAL FEED BACK
Sent by Yodit Arefaine - Eritrea
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting
married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit
worried about how their sex life would get started, she made
them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with
a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Nakuru two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter..
The second girl sent the card from
"Benson & Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes and
she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size."
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon to Kakamega.
Mom waited for a week, nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words " Kenya Airways."
Mom took out her latest Standard Newspaper Classified pages, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for KQ. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."!!!
Mom fainted...
___________________________
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet...
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
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