2011: 'Crack' ya ribs with Jokes!

USING CODE NAMES AT HOME

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea  

"A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.
One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that
he wanted to make a phone call.
Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.
Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the "Public Phone".
Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares go to a Public Phone, then I will open a " Call Center " at home."
_____________________

An Italian Mother

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea  

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother could not help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You do not suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I will email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear mama,

I am not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I am not saying that you "did not" take it.  But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama
which read:

Dear son,

I  am not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I am not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.  But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama

Moral: Never lie to your mama .

______________________________
A Month Overdue!

Sent by Justine Hingha Lamboi (Mr.) - Sierra Leone

Mr. Sharma comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the

electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?”
"Yes... speaking"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you that you are overdue"
"I know that ..let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,

rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious.

All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

The husband collapsed!!
-----------------------------------------------
TWO NUNS
Sent by Gershon YAO-DABLU - Ghana

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
-----------------------------------------

'So I wish!'

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home and jobless.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he made the following wish:
‘I go to work every day and put in 8 hours (sometimes more) while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, I want to allow her body to switch with mine for a day. So I wish!'
And like magic, the man's wish became granted, pronto.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Prepare them breakfast,
Packed their snacks and lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went for grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box, bathed the dog and cleaned the sorroundings.

Then, it was already 1:00 P.M.
He hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, Sweep and mopped the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.

At 9:00 P.M .
He was exhausted and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately sat-up and thought, thus:-
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!'

And a voice replied him, thus:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last Night !!!'

The End!
--------------------------------------
Boby and the trick
Sent by Moudyzvakabvira KAHOBA - Zimbabwe
Small boys were discussing tricks to use to persuade their parents to give them more pocket money or presents.
This other boy then said to his friends:
"Most adults are hiding a nasty or dirty secret and you can entice them to give you anything if you confront them and say "Guess what, you could not hide it forever, now I certainly know the whole truth"
Boby, on getting home, decides to try the trick out. As his mother welcomes him home, he blurts out the magic words. His mother quickly rushed into the bedroom,comes and gives Boby $100.00 and says "Please just dont tell your father".

Quite pleased, the Boby waits for his father to get home from work. When he gets outof the car Boby plays the trick again and before he got his $200.00, his father says to him, "Promise you wont tell your mother".

Very pleased, Boby is on his way to school the next day when, just after getting out of their yard, he meets Greg the milkman who is also their next door neighbour and he does it again.

Greg dropped the basket of milk cans, opens his arms and says to Boby,
"Oh boy that relieves me. It was very difficult for me to tell you that you are my son. Now that you know, come and give your daddy a hug".
-------------------------------------------------
An Egyptian Interview
Reporter: Hi
Egyptian: Hello
Reporter: Do u speak English
Egyptian: Berfect
Reporter: Do u mind if I interview u
Egyptian: No, I don't have a mind
Reporter: What's your name?
Egyptian: Taha
Reporter: Sex?
Taha: I love it
Reporter: oh no, I meant male or female?
Taha(yelling) : what do u sink?
Reporter: it's just for the sake of the report. Never mind... male....
Taha: No... I like female
Reporter: How do u find life here in Egypt ?
Taha: Egybt..Very nice cantry..nice wezar..nice food..byramidz
Reporter: Oh well..beside the weather and the pyramids..what else do u like in ur country?
Taha: Byramids, nice wezar, nice food
Reporter: DO YOU WORK?
Taha: Yas, when I am not buzy..
Reporter: What do u think about the traffic problem in Egypt ?
Taha: Very big broblem..very much cars..u see?..but za guvurment is trying to make it bettar..zey did a circle street and za mehwar street..and zey make all streets one way so if u go..u cant come back!!!
Reporter: What about the economic problems in Egypt ?
Taha: I do not undurztand what u say
Reporter: I mean..how do u deal with money problems in egypt ?
Taha: Egypt very rich cantry...we have alot of cotton..a lot of water..and we have byramidz
Reporter: So do u make a lot of money?
Taha: No no.. it is not legal to make money..one frend I know make money at home..and he go to brizon.. if u make money at home.. you will go to brizon
Reporter: let me rephrase..since Egypt is a rich country.. do u have a lot of money?
Taha: me? ...Not a lot..but I eat and drink Alhamdulelah?
Reporter: Then where does all the money go?
Taha: Guvurment
Reporter: And what does the government do with the money?
Taha: Zey Build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way
Reporter: well , Ok...Do u vote?
Taha: What duz zat mean?
Reporter: Do u choose your president
Taha: Who, Mubarak?
Reporter: yes
Taha(nervously) : I didn't give my voice..But if I was. I will give him my voice
Reporter: Why him?
Taha: Because he was an airoplane in za war..he waz za leadar airoplane
Reporter: But there r no wars right now
Taha: But if we have war..u see?...we know we will have a very good airoplane in it
Reporter: what about the last 30years?
Taha: I got marry..and have Ahmed and Amira...
Reporter: No, I meant Mubarak.
Taha: He also marry and have…
Reporter (interrupting) :No, I meant what did Mubarak do for Egypt in the last 30years
Taha: He build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way
Reporter: Thank you very much for ur time Mr. Taha
Taha: No broblem, only 10 bounds
Reporter: I never said i will pay u for this
Taha: ok ok. Zanks a lot!  

------------------------------------

 ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. 
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. 
The man seemed more amused. 
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition. 
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
  But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

--------------------------------------------------------------

Mujibar

Employee of the Month

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea 



Mujibar was trying to get a job in  India .

The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

------------------------------------

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST  

By Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a
year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. 
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very 
tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down
when she was near  me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. 
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me.' 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood
there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. 

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! 
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy
that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family.' 

And the moral of this story is: 
Always keep your condoms in your car. 
-----------------------------------

A couple with a child decide to divorce...

The divorce court's judge asks the child: do you want to live with your mum?

The child says: "no, she beats me"...

The judge then asks him: "do you want to live with your dad??"

He says: "no, he beats me too"...

The judge asks "so who do you want to live with then????"

The child answers: "Any African football team at the world cup: they cant beat anyone.
-------------------------------------------------------

Can you consider this man

I am aply to my job of security guard to you boss in your company of  KDDA.
I complete to Sitandad 7 examination certificate in 1997. My skool
Kibungut high very good. I am 27 ears to be Born of age and no waif  and no
childish. My father is dead long time ago and my  mother mary in Swaziland
country there 10 years now, no see she ,so nobody known to help me. My
certificate is just sitting home for itself, but passes in Mathematics,
Geography, Science and all subjects but fail in English because of Luhya
teacher teaching me is jelas of myself. Me wear expenses cloth than Luhya
teacher.

I here people you want security guards to your company and I tell you
I am one of that job experience for 2 years looking video for Rambo I, II
and III. I also shot thief dead. I want to join the company of you and
chase criminal out with me AK47. Please consider my aplication careful and
call me any time ! because me have sellfon. I am red for! interview with
you.
I am very hornest and can speak English free.
Please also great your wife!

Yours

Wafwoli mwana wa Lifundo AK47.
----------------------------------------------------------

Sunny wonder!

A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes
with their names.

First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.

My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan,
If I can, If I can, If I can.

"Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now
her turn.

My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can.

"That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change
your mind."

Next up was Sunny. He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:

My name is Sunny,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan,
I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,

I know I can, I can, I can.

-------------------------------------
Viagra

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines.

Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'
 Very good! And what is it used for?'  'It is used for a headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep', replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.'

'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister Catherine.

'It is used for diarrhea.'

'And who told you this, Johnny?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a viagra, and
maybe that shit will get harder.''

 ------------------------------------------------------------------

Poems written by angry husband to his wife

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away, then
I wrote your name on my Heart and i got Heart Attack.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU. 

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo,
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too,
Not in cage but laughing at you.