Helping Your Man Overcome Impotence Through Sexual Aggression

Written by Bosede Ola-Samuel - Nigeria

Male impotence is more on the increase today than at any other time in history. This is due to factors such as drugs, obesity, poor physical fitness, heavy smoking, mental pressure, alcohol, masturbation, to mention but a few. However, a major cause has been attributed to the passiveness of the wives. Passivity of a wife tends to increase the chances of her husband becoming impotent over time. This was established by Tim and Beverly Lahaye in their book "The Act of Marriage."

Practically every man dreams of having a sexually aggressive wife. No matter how lofty his ideas of womanhood, a husband often fantasizes about his wife as a sexual 'ball of fire' in bed. Unfortunately most women maintain a mental image of their role as passive, one in which all she is expected to do is to be on the receiving end, lying there like a log of wood while he does all the work, after all "it's about him and not about her." One wife once said, "I've always thought he would lose respect for me if I did anything sexually aggressive." Well, this is the mindset of most Nigerian women, but to be truthful, nothing can be farther from the truth. Nothing is more exciting to a man than to find his wife sexually aggressive in bed. He finds it ecstatically stimulating when his wife approaches him for sex. It makes him think she wants and needs his lovemaking. That helps to inflate his male ego, whereas passivity leads to boredom, and boredom to impotence.

It is hard to find sexually vigorous wives who have impotent husbands. This is very rare. The only exceptions I have found are those who became aggressive only after their husbands began to encounter impotence problems. And of course, this is explainable. The fact that they cannot have normal intercourse tends to increase their aggression, but this, rather than make things better, makes it worse because it tends to create resentment in the husband, who vividly recalls the many times he approached his wife earlier in marriage only to find that she either rejected him or was passive that he felt she was "just going along with the wifely rituals." Most of the time men enjoy being the aggressor in love, but no man wants to make love to a "cadaver," and at times, he likes to know that his wife enjoys it as much as he does.

For most of their marriage, a woman has expected her husband to "carry the ball"; now it is time for her to hurry onto the playing field and call some of the plays. If sexual inhibitions make it difficult for her or cause it to seem degrading, it is because she is more interested in herself than in her husband. Two things usually happen when a wife becomes more uninhibited in her sexual expression: she is transformed into a more exciting and stimulating partner to her husband, and she increases her own enjoyment in the relationship.

After a few months of marriage most lovemaking becomes much too routine, the partners begin the same way, assume the same positions, make the same sounds, and share the same experiences. It is time to get out of those ruts and become aggressive. What a man will remain impotent who enters his bedroom to find his lights down low, soft music playing, an open bed, and a scantily clad wife whose every movement indicates her eagerness to get her hands on him?

If you really want to turn him on, help unbutton his shirt and clothes. Let him sense your excitement. I know, some who read this will ask, "but isn't that hypocritical?" Not at all! You may be accustomed to letting your inhibitions squelch your real desires and thus hardly know how to react naturally. That is worse hypocrisy, and you have probably been doing it for the reaction you get from him. When you are aggressive towards him, he will interpret it to mean that you find him sexually attractive. And when he considers himself attractive to you, it is easier for him to believe in his sexual capability.

A loving, middle-aged wife, whose husband had started to battle the problem of impotence noticed that when she was sexually aggressive, her husband had little trouble ejaculating. "However," she admitted hesitantly, "even though I enjoy it, I feel guilty." And indeed, many women do. I then explained to her that her guilt was misplaced; there is nothing wrong with it. Even God, the originator of sex approves such loving behaviour. And she responded, "but I don't think a lady would act that way." To this I replied, "She wouldn't - in church or in a parked car - but the sanctity of her own bedroom is quite different." Behind the door of her bedroom, she can do anything with her man. One of the advantages of my being a pastor as well as a counsellor is that I can more easily dispel such unfounded cases of unnecessary guilt. The scripture says a husband's body belongs to his wife, and she can do with it as she wishes, at least she is free to.

That should certainly include exciting him sexually.

A thoughtful wife should keep it in mind that a man tends to find a sexually passive wife somewhat de-motivating and boring, whereas he finds an aggressive wife terribly stimulating. More than one wife has discovered that she can arouse her husband by artfully stroking his skin and massaging his body, by very lightly touching his genital organs. Even the limp penis will often respond to a wife's tender loving strokes, especially at the scrotum and inner thighs.

Remember to use light, teasing, gentle caresses, which stimulate the imagination.

Admittedly, these efforts on a wife's part in helping her husband overcome impotence will take concentration, hard work, and sometimes the adoption of a new role, but if she loves him, she will pay the price - and both will share the dividends.

The point here is that the wife has a lot of role to play in helping the husband to overcome the challenges of impotency. And being sexually aggressive in her marriage is the key. In fact she can become the real factor of solution if she throws herself at it headlong. Lady, you have what it takes to help your man overcome that seemingly embarrassing situation. With much care and understanding, your sex life in the marriage can be quite satisfying, if you will take the bull by the horns.