Mistakes Women Make In Marriage

Email: amara@amarablessing.com

Phone +234 8116706852

"WHAT haven't I done to please him? Am I going to lose my life before he realizes how much I love and respect him?"

These and many other questions come before me regularly. I can understand; I know how you feel because I have been there. It hurts when you put in your all only to realize that your best wasn't good enough. I acknowledge the fact that there are men who will not change no matter how much you put in. But I also know that there are some good men out there who have been driven away by their own wives into the arms of another woman. C'mon girls, let's look at those terrible mistakes we often make in marriages:

Insecurity

Some women are so insecure; they threaten other women especially the ones they see talking to their husbands. They put all their effort into that instead of focusing on the energy that will keep their marriage strong. If women could learn to focus on their marriage and not let petty things like cheap talk get in the way, then the marriage might have a chance.

I feel sad each time I see women fight other women for wanting their husband. I have told this story countless number of times about a family friend who lost her three months pregnancy just because she went to fight husband's girlfriend. She has not been pregnant again.

Fighting a woman for your husband means you have very low self-esteem, you have no respect for your husband, or you got him the crooked way and so you must struggle all your life to keep him because you know you are not good enough for him. And for your information, I have seen men pack to another house bought by them for their girlfriend just because madam tried beating up the girl.

You may end up losing that precious thing you want to keep to yourself if you continue the way you are going. Even if the man wants to be too civil, he will leave that very one you know and move to another. How many are you going to fight? Stop going to his office at odd times just because you want to know who visits him. Allow the man to relax and occasionally catch fun with friends.

They must not womanize when they are together. Stop making yourself a beer parlour woman by your constant visits with him. We know you are not going there because you love it; you just want to satisfy your restless soul. Don't kill yourself with irrelevancies.

Busybody

I receive messages from women crying out in pain because they saw certain messages on his phone. One recently called me and said she saw a message from a woman addressing her husband as "darling". The man's response was a very official one. I did my best to convince her by telling her there may not be anything between them as colleagues (this isn't acceptable at the work place) and high school friends use such for each other.

But I want to ask you a question: what are you looking for in his phone? The earlier you learn to get your ears and eyes off his phone, the longer you will live. Get busy with something meaningful and you will no longer have time for his phone. Avoid those unfriendly friends who come to you with stories of your husband's sexcapades. Have you cared to ask what they were doing in that hotel when they saw him? Many of them want your man and the only way they can have him is to get you out of the way.

Unfriendliness Towards In-Laws

Ladies, this is still Africa and communal living is part of our culture. I support the idea of marriage and issues surrounding it being discussed and solved in the bedroom. But I don't support the idea of women trying to make their in-laws strangers in the home. If you want peace in your home, your mother-in-law must become your mother while your sister-in-law becomes a sibling. If you know how to pound, pound in the mortar; if you don't know how to pound, pound on the ground.

Do not isolate yourself from your husband's relatives. Remember you will need them any time so try and stay connected to them no matter how hard they may seem to be. You will be building a strong family foundation for your children too. Don't deny them the privilege of knowing their hometown and relations just because you want to act "on top of the world". Allow them go to the stream and enjoy the beauty of the rural area.

No Sex

Women are so emotional and tend to use sex as a tool to punish their husbands after a fight. They deny their husbands sex and in doing so, sometimes the husbands tend to look elsewhere. Don't listen to that foolish woman advising you to deny him sex so as to get that new car or money. Girls, very beautiful ones are everywhere and they are ever available to help you do the work. And for your information, that woman acting tough may be a slave to her husband.

One of those devilish women was at my office sometime ago. One of my workers told me how she tried to convince them to agree that they must always demand money from their husbands before sex. Isn't she a prostitute in her home?

Nagging

Another thing that can really irritate a man is when you complain too much. Nagging or even being too much of a critic will surely not go down well with him. Women fail to understand that love is not owning a man entirely. He shouldn't lose his individuality because he is married to you. This occurs more in marriages than in dating because for some crazy reason, some women think that once they have a man wearing a ring on his finger, that they can abuse him all they want. Women may not realize that nagging is abuse, but to most men, it is a form of abuse that they silently endure until they have had enough. Give the man space and occasionally advise him. He is your husband and not your son.

Unfriendly Friends

Sometimes, women normally choose the wrong people to discuss their issues with. They think all the friends they have are there to listen to them and in the end they find themselves with very wrong advice. Women should always be careful when choosing friends, especially the ones they open their hearts to. Don't just pour your heart out to someone. Some people are out to destroy others. You keep wondering why your husband is getting worse even after all the prayers and visit to church without knowing that your darling friend tells him and his relations all you say about them. Even if she doesn't tell him, her advice to you may be just to destroy your home.

Appearance

If you think you are married and can now stop taking care of your appearance, you are so wrong. Stay attractive and be sure you are not the one pushing him out with your looks. Keep the look he fell in love with. Staying attractive is not about bleaching your skin because his girlfriend is light complexioned. He fell in love with a dark skin, keep it for him. He saw a flat tummy and well toned hips and fell in love. Please keep them the way he first met them.

Childbirth is never an acceptable reason for big tummy and wrong choice of bra. Changing church is not a reason to ignore those lovely hairdos he was attracted to. You can wear your African hairstyles and still be attractive. For some time now, my hairstyles are strictly African. He saw you first in a fitted dress; why do you now feed his eyes with those oversized skirts?

Keeping Secrets

Some women are dishonest. They moment they get married, they become unhappy and start hiding things from their husbands. They become secretive to the point where they alienate themselves from a relationship. Always tell your man the truth. Remember that he loves you for who you are. Let him know where the land or house you bought is. If he is your husband and not a stranger, he will know what you own. And who knows; you may die before him. Don't go with the mindset that your husband must not be your next of kin. If you don't trust him, why close your eyes while lying next to him?

Inability To Feed Him

A good number of women no longer bother to know how their husbands feed. Madam, because you have ten stewards doesn't mean you should ignore your husband. You may not always be there to serve him, but please prepare his soup yourself. It's sad to note that women now use domestic staff to cover up their inability to cook well. There is a saying in my place: "a mother's food tastes different". Your children and husband want to eat mummy's food.

Too Accommodating

Heitler calls it "appendage-itis," in which the wife is basically being an accessory to the husband, instead of being a full and equal partner in marriage. Usually, they're afraid it could make a fight or some unpleasantness, or they just think somehow, on a subconscious level, in order to preserve the relationship, they have to diminish what they themselves want. The sense of helplessness leads to anger that eventually boils over. It's always a very devastating one. Always let the man know when his actions don't go down well with you. You must not agree with him at all times. And don't forget, he listens to you and allows you to control him when he sees a submissive wife. This is why you must marry your friend.

Godlessness

You have pushed God aside for your husband and material things. Remember, He is the one who gives you power to make wealth. Never worship the gift more than the giver. God can take away that thing that is precious to you because he doesn't want to lose you. Don't remember God only in times of trouble; go close to him now that you are happy. Your lovely husband is a gift from God, never serve him more than God Himself.