Woman, don't push him out

Written by Monica Taiwo  - Nigeria

After few years in marriage, many couples no longer experience sparkle in their relationship. Romance is relegated while other issues take its place. Monica Taiwo writes on several romance killers in marriage and why it should remain a must forever in marriage.

Kassy and Tade met to take drinks on their way home after work. After some few minutes, Tade noticed that Kassy wasn't his usual bright and bubbling friend. Knowing him well, his friend had to ask him what was wrong with him.

Typically, Tade, wouldn't want to talk about his home because he loves his wife so much and speaking about her or their home with anybody, even Kassy who has been a mutual friend to both of them for years to him seemed like betrayal.

Eventually, he had to open up, when Kassy also talked about a similar problem he is experiencing with his wife.

Tade and his wife had been married for seven years; they waited on the Lord for three years before they were blessed with a set of twins. Since the birth of their boys which brought so much joy to the entire family, Tade's wife had however changed from who she used to be. She had shifted all her attention to the babies, despite the fact that she has three people around her helping to take care of them and also with the household chores.

He confided in his friend that the situation is so bad that even when he made sexual overtures to her, her ready response was always that she was too tired for the act. This is beginning to get at Tade as he doesn't want to cheat on her. According to him, on that particular day, he thought about nothing while at work other than his wife and he wanted to have sex with her. The fear and frustration of rejection at home is however, making him miserable.

Kassy's was a different stroke entirely. Both men married almost at the same time, Kassy's children came without delay, he already has a family of five. For him, it is the other way round, his wife wants the embers of their romance to glow continually, but a lot of things she does are a put-off for Kassy so much that he always cooks up excuses so that he won't have sex with his wife.

Her first offence is the fact that she has refused to take up any family planning or contraceptive device. They both planned to have two kids, but through her carelessness, she became pregnant with the third baby which of course putting a strain on their finance.

Apart from this, Kassy stated that his wife has completely changed from the woman he married. "These days, all she does is tie a wrapper around her chest, wade around the house with the children tugging at her wrapper and screaming their heads off."

The height of it was the day he saw her cleaning mucus off their little son's nose with the kitchen napkin. Sleeping with her on the same bed is an agony as she miffs with body odour and sweat. Kassy said he has tried several times to make her change, but she always responded to his advice with aggression. Yet she keeps accusing him of infidelity because he couldn't stomach all what he is seeing to have sex with her. His own dilemma too is the fact that he doesn't want to have extra-marital affairs, but the way things are now, she is gradually pushing him towards that, he confided in his friend.

These two men, are just like every other man trying to seek solution to their marital problems. To borrow Tade's words, "extra-marital affair is no longer the order of the day and for many reasons lots of men and women are running away from it." But keeping the home front together and reigniting the romance fire of the courtship years is becoming difficult by the day.

Hersay went to town to sample readers' opinion on this issue and what they feel can be done to keep the fire of romance burning in the home forever.

Yemisi Kodjo: as far as I am concerned, men are those who need to keep their eyes in a place and stop philandering about. What men do not seem to realise is the fact that after child birth, a woman cannot remain the same.

Their problem, however, is that they always want to eat their cake and have them. After aiding the wife at home to lose her shape and probably shine, they go out and start looking for these in young senseless girls who are ready to sell their bodies for money.

The fact is that, once these young girls go through child bearing too, their physique naturally charge. It is the normal law of nature that cannot be wished away.

Men are not the only ones to blame here; some women too lose it after marriage. They take their husbands for granted and believe that they should accept them any how they are. There is no issue of any how here. We women should keep up being good, look nice and take care of ourselves so that the initial attraction won't be lost.

Merit Amanze: I blame a lot of women on this issue. No matter how, we should have self esteem. And we must be able to take care of ourselves and home well.

Majority of these problems come from the environment and home where the woman comes from. As a woman, you have no business to lose yourself in the problems of housekeeping and child raising so much that you will begin to look untidy, unkempt and ugly which of course will erase your love from your man's heart.

As women, we also must not allow all what we have to do take those little sweet words, touch and affection from us. When we show our men affection, they will surely reciprocate.

Stanley Imeh: How would you describe a woman who was stylish, neat and pretty before marriage? And the next thing you see after a child is that she has become fat and lost all the shine and glow that you used to admire.

This is what happens a lot of times with women and when you try to tell them what you want or where they are going wrong, accusation and counter accusation of infidelity begins to fly about.

I have no apologies about this, but I want to believe that women are raised to be able to withstand a lot of things. I am not one of those who refer to women as the weaker sex. They are far stronger than us men. They carry babies in their wombs for months, bring them forth to the world and also nurse them for years. All these could make a woman give up on herself, but a woman who is well trained would be able to wade through it all and still remain standing.

Of course, one cannot overrule the fact that we have what you call the law of diminishing returns, but a wise woman will be able to manage this well and a man who loves his wife will overlook and appreciate this. After all, not only women suffer from this, in no time a man who is careless about himself will become bald with a pot belly. His wife won't leave him because of this I am very sure.

Ignatus Akinade: I am sincerely not concerned about the look, shape or beauty. I want my wife to love me and not shift the affection and love we used to share to her job and the children.

I also cannot stand a woman who nags. My wife knows this. I am the man in the house, when I am talking, she listens; not because I will bully her. But she has been able to study me over time and believe me, her suggestion eventually overrides mine.

Couples should also be able to study themselves and help with each other's weaknesses. My wife wouldn't argue with me, never! When I am done with my noise, she comes to talk with me and so many times her points are reasonable.

Adekemi Adeoye: No matter what happens, be it child birth, household chores, work pressure and even if you suspect or know that your husband is having affairs, my own concern is that women should hold their heads high and have self-esteem. For whatever it is worth, you are yourself before you are 'Mrs Somebody'. Do not lose this self and don allow anything or anybody rob you of your personal joy.

Above all, we all need love. It is good to love and be loved in return. Our men are also like babies, they crave love more than we do. Sincerely, in my opinion, we are the stronger ones. Show your husband love, pamper him like a baby, quit nagging and make an effort to look good and sexy at all times. A man who comes home to a clean house and neat sexy woman has no business outside home with other women.

I also implore men to take an extra step to appreciate their wives. We are human; a word of encouragement once in a while, little compliments and romance won't do any harm. We love it when our husbands complement us and say sweet things to us. It is the duty of both husband and wife to keep romance flying for a happy home.