Q &A: My boss' husband wants to sleep with me

Q&A with Kemi

Written by Kemi Ashefon - Nigeria

Dear Kemi,

Married but in love with an old flame

I am working with a woman and her husband wants to have sex with me. I'm afraid. I have told him that it's not right and that if he tries it again, I would tell her. But he still does it by touching me. He has promised me heaven and earth if I keep my mouth shut and not allow his wife suspect what is going on. What do I do? I am staying in their house and the wife is very kind to me and I also love her daughter.

E.M,

Lagos.

Let the man know that you are ready to tell his wife if he dares touch you again. You should not allow any opportunity for him to touch you-never be with him alone. Such a man is irresponsible and could even rape you if nobody is around. If I were you, I would take some part of my salary to rent a room somewhere. I am sure that as long as you remain in his house, he will continue touching you and you would keep mum. If you don't want to betray your boss, move out.

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His ex-lover threatens me

I am 23 years old and two men are in love with me. I met the first guy while having a programme in my school and we have been on for a year now. The problem started when his former girlfriend, who has a son for him called and instructed me never to be seen with her man again. I told her she was his past and he loves me more than her. But I don't want to deny her son his father's love because I know what it feels like to be without a father. I met the second man at work and he is crazy about me. I love these men and they are both promising me marriage. What do I do?

N.N,

Abuja.

The choice of a life partner starts first with God and then, you. Which of them do you think would make you happy? Who do you feel at ease with when you think of a home, children and your future? Have you really prayed about this because we cannot erase the God factor in making such a choice? Except you are deceiving yourself, you know which of the men to choose but if you are still confused, talk to your mum.

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I slept with two sisters

I am 30, she is 24. When I first met her, her elder sister seduced me and we had sex. Though I regretted this, I have made my intention known to their family members that I want to marry the younger sister. Meanwhile, the older sister has vowed that she would not live to see me marry her younger sister and even told everyone that we had sex together. I tried making peace but she didn't agree. Now, I can't face telling my fiancée that I slept with her sister. What do I do? We are so much in love with each other.

A.N.Y

Abuja

What seduction could have made you sleep with your girlfriend's sister? So, you think your girlfriend does not know that you slept with her sister? I am sure either her sister or any family member would have told her. Tell your fiancée and see how she reacts. This can't be kept from her because a jealous woman has more venom than a snake. Meanwhile, explain what happened to their mother because she would have heard too. If you are lucky, you can still marry her but with your fiancée's elder sister's threats, I think you should put an end to marrying from that family.

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I can't impregnate a woman

I have been living with my girlfriend for seven years but prior to that, I was diagnosed as having azospermia. That was before we had a family introduction. Though aware that I have not got a medical solution to this problem, she fell ill and was diagnosed to be pregnant! Now, she is frantically denying any foul play and claims it to be a miracle. I also believe in God's power but I can't remember the last time I went to church. I don't even pray fervently. If it's still a miracle, why is my recent test (which I went for after she was confirmed pregnant) showing that I still have the same problem? What do I do?

AM

Lagos

This is puzzling and you have to unravel everything before you think of accepting the pregnancy or even marrying her. I also believe in miracles but I think this is the time to have a heart-to heart talk with your girlfriend. Another option is to wait to conduct a DNA test when the child is born.

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He left me for another woman

I am 29, an Edo indigene and dated an Igbo man from Anambra. We dated for six months and my friends continually told me to dump him because Igbos don't marry anyone who is not from their tribe. Still, I went ahead to date him but refused him sex. Then, he promised me marriage and we had sex, not knowing that he had another woman he was seeing. Now they are married and I don't know what to do. This guy lives opposite my house. Do I pack out from the place and go back to another state? Or do I remain there because I am living with my brother?

O.S

Lagos

If you can afford to live elsewhere, then you are free to move but if it's not going to be convenient for you, you had better remain in your brother's. Your former boyfriend is a betrayer and I don't think you should run away or even fall sick because of such a man. Though not easy coping with the sight of someone you loved with another woman, you will soon get over him as long as you are not interested in their lives or their marriage.

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Q&A with Julie

I'm in love with two guys

Dear Julie,

I have a serious problem . I'm kind of in love with two different guys. One of the guys is quite a looker, he is absolutely a feast for the eyes. He is exactly my "type." He always says hello to me when he sees me or stops for a minute, and he's always smiling at me which I am told he doesn't do for everybody. I also know that he's currently seeing somebody but not seriously. On one hand, I don't want to seem like just another girl fawning all over him; on the other I want to let him know I'm interested without offending his Christianity.

The other guy I love is absolutely at the other end of the spectrum. He's short and dorky, but when I met him, I fell for his personality. He seemed like such a nice guy: quiet, and smart, and funny. Now I do like him a lot and do find myself attracted to him, but I definitely don't want to marry him . I'm not into one night stands but I would like to be his friend. I know he's attracted to me, but I'd prefer something easygoing over something complicated. What do I do with this one?

Diane, Abuja

Dear Diane,

It's great to be attracted to a wide range of people. The more varied the guys that catch your eye, the more opportunities you'll have to meet different types of people. It also appears that your problem here is not necessarily how to choose between two types, but how to proceed with each of them.

In both cases you could probably benefit from taking things slowly and getting to know the guys for who they are beneath their caricatures of "the looker and the bookworm". Cultivating friendships with each of these men will give you a chance to observe what it is about them that attracts you. Are they opposite poles of your own dynamic personality? Do they embody qualities that you'd like to develop in yourself? Knowing yourself better, and understanding why you are attracted to certain people, can result in deeper, more meaningful and honest relationships with yourself and with others. While dating is exciting and fun, it can also be scary and frustrating. It involves taking risks, putting your emotions out there, and possibly being disappointed.

For the looker, talk to him when he says hi to you in passing. Make yourself not just another "fawning girl" but an actual person who's interested in getting to know him. Maybe ask him out just as friends, so he doesn't feel his religious values or current relationship is being threatened. Learn more about what he likes to do and how he feels about his religion. Don't rush it, especially if he's made it clear he's dating someone.

For the bookworm: talk to him too! Don't let your friends play intermediaries. Tell him that you've enjoyed spending time with him and that you would like to be his friend. Hopefully this will allay any relationship fears or commitment issues he might be experiencing that would make him afraid to continue hanging out.

After you get to know these men better and feel more comfortable with them, you can try to date one, both, or neither of them. If you're feeling adventurous, you can ask them out or express your interest. If you'd rather wait to be asked out, be open and available to see what happens.

No matter what the outcome, dating can also teach you a lot about yourself and what you're looking for in a partner. And any experience that results in greater self-knowledge is usually well-worth any confusion it can stir up. In fact, you might find that the confusion can be half the fun.