I’m suspicious of my wife

Written by KEMI ASHEFON - PUNCH, Nigeria

Dear Kemi,

I am in my mid 30s and married to a woman, who is of same age for about five years. I am based abroad while she is in Nigeria. The problem I am having is that I just don’t trust her and I always feel she is sleeping around. Really, I don’t have any concrete proof for my suspicions but it has always been there. This was from the beginning of our courtship before I left the country and returned from my base outside Nigeria to marry her. When I told her about my suspicions, she denied all the allegations and always had ready-made answers to every question. Sometimes, I wonder if I was charmed into marrying her. Is this normal? Please, help, I am really troubled.

A.K, 

Lagos

Since you have not caught her with any man or got reports from anyone about your wife, I think you have to dismantle the mind-set of infidelity in you. In any relationship, especially where the two partners are not living together in the same place, there are cases of suspicions and rumours. It is now left for those involved to be determined to make the relationship work. Why not learn to trust your wife? Or are there things you have not divulged to me? That you even feel you were charmed into marrying her is wrong and could cause cracks in your home. Give her the benefit of the doubt and stop accusing her. I have discovered in most relationships, infidelity could spring up from unnecessary accusations. A faithful partner could be encouraged to have affairs when accusations abound. Trust is a vital virtue in marriage, do all you can to inculcate it in yours. But this should not stop any form of inquiries when you get suspicious of your partner.

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I was jilted for eight years now…

I was in love with a lady some years back but she left me for another man. Now, eight years after, she is back and begging me to marry her. But I am now married with two kids. I am so confused. What do I do?

P.O

Benue

I don’t see why you should be confused on a matter like this. Are you driving away your wife and children to start life with her? Even if you do, what is the assurance that she will not run away again with another man? I believe you should hold on to your wife and children. Don’t fall prey to a philandering woman’s wits. She is like a serpent, she will always bite. Tell her you are no longer interested in her and that you are happily married with kids. Don’t give her audience again and never entertain her calls.

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Another man took my baby

I am 29 years old and dated a 26-year-old girl for over four years. We planned having a proper wedding by December. Last year, she told me she was pregnant. According to her, she was raped at a party she attended and I accepted the pregnancy due to the love I had for her. I was taken to her parents to be introduced and was even asked to come for a formal ceremony after the baby was born. My girlfriend told me that the man who raped and impregnated her was dead and had not been found.

Surprisingly, she gave birth in February this year and her father called me. I went to the hospital with a relative, my friend and my boss because I had informed them about my wife’s pregnancy. When I got to the clinic, I met this girl’s father, who told me that the man, who impregnated my wife, was around and I should know how to behave. I saw him, we greeted each other and as I greeted my wife, the man carried the baby and left. The second day, I was at the clinic and asked her how the man knew she was delivered of a baby and she said that her father called him. This was confirmed by the old man and he even said the man would be present at the naming ceremony. He made me realise that I should not have gone far with his daughter. In fact I was sent out of the clinic and warned not to come again. Now, the lady is back and wants me. What do I do?

O.T,

Ogun State

You should not be confused on an issue like this because you acted foolishly from the outset. How could you have believed her story? A girl you dated for four years and she was seven months pregnant without your knowledge? She told you in December 2009 about the rape and was delivered of a baby in February 2010? Did you tell your parents? What was their reaction before you agreed to be introduced to her parents? Two things you should learn from this episode: This girl is unfaithful, deceitful and can kill. Secondly, her father is very irresponsible, he knew all that was happening but deceived you. Maybe the guy initially denied paternity and both father and daughter were looking for whom to ‘give’ the pregnancy. You played into their hands. Forgive her but look for a more decent girl.

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I cannot forgive my husband

I have been married for two and a half years with two kids. Some few months ago, my husband slapped me in public and I don’t know why he did that. I have tried to forgive him but it is so hard for me and I can’t even forget because he did not apologise. Recently, I saw a message on his phone to a lady and he was professing his love for her. Really, I don’t understand what is happening, what do I do?

L.A,

Abuja

Marriage is a covenant, where two people vow to love each other in spite of all odds till death separate them. It is also the co-habiting of two forgivers, who have learnt to live with their likes/dislikes and personality traits. It is wrong for him to have slapped you publicly but by now, you should know the elastic limit of your husband’s tolerance and know what to do or say. You have to exercise patience and don’t wait for his apology before you forgive him. Don’t discuss anything with him until you observe he is in the best of moods. When you get him in a good mood, bring up the topic of the lady.
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Dear Kemi, This guy is in love with the two of us

I am a 30-year-old lady graduate. I am in love with a guy who is a doctor and I think he loves me too. Lately, I discovered that there is another girl who he has been dating for a while. I was told that they live together and he cannot let go of her. I gathered that they would have been married but he was trying to buy time because of me. I don't know what to do for him to marry me. He sneaks away to be with me and whenever she calls, he is always uneasy. Should I get pregnant? This is because I will soon be going for my youth service and I don't want him to marry that lady who is Igbo while we are both from the South-West.

F.K.L,

Lagos

I think it's wrong to get pregnant for him now. This is because it is very obvious he loves the other lady and does not want to leave her. Also, I believe he wants to have his cake and eat it. He likes you and all that you have been offering him but I don't think he wants you for keeps. Be careful and never assume a man will marry you because you are pregnant for him. This is the best time to ask him if what he wants from you-your body or he wants to marry you? Take that step now before you travel for your youth service.

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At 19, I'm living with a man

I am 19, my dad is late and I live with my mother. I am financially down but madly in love with a married man of 36 years. I also live with him and he said he is ready to see me through the university. He does not want me to have any boyfriend and said any man who wants to marry me should come to him and pay the bride price. Please help me.
Ima,
Akwa Ibom State


I don't understand what you meant by saying you live with a married man. You also said you live with your mother. Is his wife not living with him? You are still too young to be living with a man whose wife could harm you someday. Meanwhile, he will not allow you have any boyfriend due to his selfish reasons for keeping you. Leave him. Go and stay with your mother and manage whatever meagre resources you can both pool together. I see danger ahead.
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I love this prostitute

I am 27 years old. Recently, I was at a hotel, met with a prostitute and since then, my heart has desired her. I slept with her that day. Is it possible for me to lure her from that place? I really want to win her to Christ and for her to be my wife because I want to settle down. I have sent her wonderful text messages using God's word. What do I do?

M.O

Lagos.


I am sure you would have been patronising prostitutes but you just got stuck with this one. This girl would not believe your message because you were one of her customers. Or how does a Christian brother explain his mission to a brothel especially when he never went there for evangelism? Mind you, conversion in Christianity is not as you have imagined it. Even if you succeed in luring her away from the brothel based on your selfish desire, this could boomerang and you have the worst whore for a wife. My advice is simple: work on your spiritual well-being, learn to control your sexual urges and you can inform some other Christians to go and evangelise to her. Conversion is a process, which is nurtured with God's word and not asking her for marriage on the spot.
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My boyfriend is after my money

There is this man I have been dating for a year. Though he keeps telling me that he loves me, something keeps telling me that he is lying to me. Recently, his attitude towards me changed because I could not meet up my promise of assisting him financially. I still feel insecure in the relationship. Should I call it off? I even saw a love text message in his phone and I think he is cheating on me. Already, I have asked him his plans for the relationship and he asked that I give him some time.

B.B,

Lagos


When your heart shows you the red light about someone/something, then exercise caution. You are even lucky that these signs are showing up early. If he could change his attitude because of the financial assistance you could not render to him, I am sure he has more terrible traits that will show up sooner than later. In any relationship-either with God or man-the worst to happen to any individual is self deceit. This guy is not your Mr. Right, let go of him and move on.
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I betrayed my first love

I am in my 20s and just graduated. I started dating a guy some years back and he was everything I ever wanted in a guy. Then, he knew I was a virgin and he decided not to have sex with me. Suddenly, he stopped calling or visiting and whenever I complained, he kept saying he was busy. At a stage, I felt I was throwing myself at him but I did call him a few times. This went on for about a year and some months without seeing him. So, I decided on dating another guy who proposed to me. In fact, a pastor prayed concerning this relationship and confirmed him as my Mr. Right. This overwhelmed me and before I knew what was happening, I slept with this guy forgetting my commitment to God. Barely a month after, my first guy showed up asking if I was still a virgin. Really he was disappointed and I would have returned to him if I had not slept with this other guy. I wish I had waited. Do you think it is possible for him to forgive me? Even if he does, is it advisable that I go back to him? I just realised this other guy did not love me but wanted my body.

K.K,

Ibadan



You don't have to cry over spilled milk. First, reconnect yourself back to God, chart a new life for yourself and stop sleeping with the other guy since you have discovered his mission. Even if the former guy forgives you, you need a re-think.