'She has used his head'

I'M sure you have heard the sentence before. It does not matter whether you believe the 'concept' or not. The hard sad fact is some people believe that some people can 'use' some people's heads. Which I, most of the time, think is bunkum. Then some of the time I consider the consequences of seasoning a man's food with a little powdery stuff that turns his life around for bad and I say to myself well, maybe you can actually use a man's head without his permission. Oh yes, that's where we are going. Women who use their men's heads. But before we go any further on this matter, let us all agree that all men who for one reason or the other shamelessly come out to say their heads had been used by their wives, concubines or sugar mummies are guilty of criminal negligence and breach of duty of care they owe their heads. Maybe it's not that simple from where you are standing or sitting but if a man folds his arms while some woman uses his head to prepare 'isi ewu', he is guilty of an offence. As stated above.

But do you really think women are guilty or capable of this crime? How many heads have women truly used? How many men even have usable heads? How many women are more successful than their husbands because they had appropriated their men's good luck? 

Considering our spiritual terrain, as one of my friends puts it, I know it is possible to manipulate another human being just by touching him or her. Those things happen even if there is no scientific proof. Our science is totally different from physics, chemistry or biology. That is why when a man dies of magun, post mortem result would say he died of something called cardiac arrest, massive stroke or cerebral haemorrhage or other such complicated stuff. But I draw a line where a man who does not have a head accuses his wife of using his head. That is false accusation, another offence. Life is not totally about luck and a man who relies on happenstances is henceforth not allowed to blame his wife for stealing or using his head.

Why is it that some men can't own up to their weaknesses and errors but blame their wives for the amount of money in their bank accounts? True, as one of the readers of this page once wrote, not all men can be rich but to accuse the mother of your children of appropriating good luck that you never had is dumb. It is even more dumb and nauseating when it is a learned man pointing the stupid accusing finger.

Just on Friday, as I was coaxing my fingers to cooperate with my brain so we could do this column in record time, a friend called and in the course of the conversation mentioned another friend who has refused to go beyond his Higher National Diploma (HND) after 12 years of graduation. His wife, on the other hand, has an MBA. They are both in government employment but the wife wants to move into the private sector as soon as she gets an opening. Now, if this wife gets a job that comes with an official car, and a brand new one it will be, plus other perks like an annual family vacation abroad, whose head would she have used? Bros does not even know where his head is otherwise he'd have wrapped it round at least a Post Graduate Diploma.

Take the case of Tokunbo and Biola too. Both started small but Biola had big plans, big dreams. Tokunbo too, except he just wanted to do big things hanging out with his friends in bars and at parties where those big things were really more about other women's big backsides.

He made his small money and partied the lot away. He nursed his dreams over dry gin and planned how to 'get his boss out of the way' so he could move into the big office. But his boss refused to die or quit. Tokunbo also refused to quit backside-hunting. He's one of those city boys who talked big, all bleached skin and bling bling. Can you picture him? Fine boy no pimples, all talk no great shakes, all fun no real stuff. He spent his money as fast as he made it. By the time he was 50, his spend-as-you-earn life was over. 

A new generation of computer whiz kids had moved in into the account department where he did his analogue-and-calculator accountant stuff. He was passed over because his era was over, the same way KODAK's wait-and-get photos were swept away when digital cameras arrived. The next down-sizing exercise caught up with Tokunbo and at 50 he found out, even ageing women with big backsides ignore cashless jewelry-wearing 50-year-old men. It's the way the cookies crumble, no romance without finance. By this time, Biola, his wife, had become a big time importer of everything importable from China and Dubai. And then one day, Tokunbo's mother arrived in the couples' home like a tsunami, throwing wild accusations. Top of which was how she had watched Biola over the years using her son's good luck to water her business.

'Everywhere I went, they told me it was my son's head that you used as foundation for this business. They told me you used his hair to lay the foundation of your shops. That is why you are steadily prospering and he is going down.'

Please note here that Tokunbo is totally bald. He has no hair that his wife could have harvested for any foundation laying ceremony.

Again, if you are a mother-in-law-in-waiting, please join me in a two-minute solemn prayer: Oh Lord, make me a God-fearing, caring mother-in-law. Take away the spirit of terrorism from me. Cleanse me of every blood links to Osama bin Laden in Jesus name.'

Every woman should say this prayer regularly, because most women labouring under the yoke of she-has-used-his-head would tell you the false alarm is usually raised by Mama, the witch-catcher.

It is sad how unambitious men who can't keep up with their wives' financial growth accuse them of jazzing away their non-existent heads.

It is pathetic and unfair. If a woman is hard working, she will eventually reap the fruits of her labour. If a man is laid-back, he will reap what he has sown too. It is called the law of harvest, isn't it?

Why am I bringing this topic up now? I look around and see that today's parents are investing quality money on quality education of their children. What they spend on their sons is what they spend on their daughters. Go to all the universities here and abroad and see what courses Nigerian girls are doing; from aeronautical engineering to nuclear physics. Did you notice how many female lawyers and doctors we churn out every year? Do you know how many Nigerian young women are in Ivy league universities in America and Europe? They are in Russia and Ukraine. I attended the last Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria (ICAN) induction of their Accounting Technicians (AAT) and five out of the eight awards were carted away by the girls.

And then when they graduate, the girls pick a vocation when they can't find jobs. That's why they are dominating the make-up, event-planning and catering business. They are traders, small and large scale. They start using their heads early.

As the dawn breaks in every young man's life, let him make hay when the sun is still up, because if he plays all day, he will find out at dusk that he was the one who squandered his good luck and misplaced his head. Not his wife.