One-night stands can't heal a failed relationship

Written by Bunmi Sofola

~Vanguard: Monday, April 11, 2016

According to Professor of Psychology Simon Baron Cohen, "Generally, men have, 'systemising' brains (they like classifying information and enjoy games and gadgets),whereas women have 'emphasising' brains (they connect with people and emotions).

This lower male drive to 'empathise' means they're more likely to be focused on their own feelings (satisfaction and short-term pleasure) and able to detach from the feelings of others.

Evolution may also be a reason men were hunters whose job was to kill- and, for that, a lack of empathy is a distinct advantage."

The professor's view throws some light on the emotional fallout women experience as a result of casual sex.

A few months back, Beth, a 26-year-old staff nurse who confessed she'd lost count of the one-night stands she'd had; complained bitterly that: "I thought that having one-night stands was how to find a boyfriend-you meet someone at a party maybe, go home with them and have sex, and then afterwards you start seeing each other, but it never seemed to work out like that. They make you feel so incredibly special but it's for one night only and it never, ever lasts. When I realised this was the case, I decided to stop having one-night stands."

With girls like Beth, the puzzling questions are the same: "Why did he never call when he took my number and asked me out to dinner next week? How, when we got so intimate and establish such a connection, could he forget me so quickly"?

A few men fee actually confessed that beneath the predatory front shown by many of them was extreme, unresolved pain from a previous relationship.

Whereas we, as women, are able to work through our romantic agonies by talking to friends, men are more likely to suppress and deny the pain they feel.

After making a pact with themselves that they'll never be hurt again, they'll immerse themselves in an orgy of causal sex, imagining its physical gratifying and, more importantly, emotionally safe- as long as they never call the next day!

So as more and more early relationships end- instead of leading to marriage as they may have done 12 or 15 years ago-it means more and more emotionally scarred young men are out there … on the prowl for casual sex!

According to Richard, a renowned journalist: "There are plenty of men who do want a relationship, but for those who don't, soul-less sex, otherwise known as one-night-stand – is understandable if they're still-dealing with pain and rejection. Male emotional pain is very private and, even if you're scared of relationships, you still crave the intimacy sex gives. Men will talk about notches on the bedpost but the truth is that sleeping with lots of women is a self-esteem boost. It's pathetic. The same goes for the double standard; men have such low opinions of themselves they believe any girl who chooses them isn't discerning. It's depressing:

"I've had over 20-one-night stands in my odd 30-years," confessed Mide, a computer analyst, "but my attitude to them has changed as I've got older. But even if you relatively emotionally matured, most men, if offered soul-less sex, would say yes. Personally, I now make sure I'm completely honest with a woman if I'm not looking for a relationship.

The reason women feel so upset after casual sex is not because they're in love but because they've been lied to. But it cuts both ways-I've never heard from the woman. At the end-of the day; you'll always have better sex in a relationship.

Danny, a post-graduate student says: "I don't think men are strange because we find it easy to have one-night stands. Instead, I find it puzzling how easily women connect sex with emotion.

You've just met someone at a social gathering and you've slept together. Does that create an instant emotional bond? It shouldn't. Emotion takes time. Sex doesn't. Women speed from zero to intimacy like a sports car. Men take longer. Which is more appropriate with a stranger? Also, some men might have lots of casual sex because they're emotionally scarred, but I think most lotharios are simply genuine lovers of women".

With today's falling standards in morality, it's quite interesting most single men believe that if a woman has sex on the first night, she's 'cheap' and not girlfriend material. "Taking a girl home," said Chuks, a property developer, "is testing them out. If she sleeps with me, I won't see her again because she's a tramp and has no respect for herself. If she has, however, 'passed the test' by not having sex, and I still find her attractive, then will I date her. Sadly, I still yearn for a past relationship that ended years ago- the likes of which I might never find.

She was my first girlfriend and my true love, but she left me because she thought I didn't love her enough and she's now married. I don't know if I'll ever love like that again. As things are, I don't see the women I've had casual sex with as emotionally vulnerable. They're looking for a good time as much as I am. And I make sure I'm always very loving in bed to my 'pick-ups'. I'll cuddle up to them, but it doesn't mean anything. My cosy seduction technique means many of my partners want more.

"It's my fault because I don't want girls to dislike me after sex. So I'll be loving and look into their eyes even though I have no feelings for them. I don't feel guilty afterwards, but at least they've had a good time. The affirmation I get when a woman wants to see me again is a transitory quick fix I use again and again to overcome the rejection I felt when my girlfriend left me".

Bob would never forget the humiliation he felt on his last pick-up. "She agreed for us to go to her place"-he recalled. "I didn't really like her and we had sex anyway. Immediately afterwards, she told me to go home as she didn't sleep with men on the same bed. It was a long way back to the flat I shared with friends and I felt tired, humiliated and depressed. I didn't really know her and I felt insecure about my appearance. I worried about what I looked like-that my stomach wasn't toned. After that experience, I vowed that for me, the best sex is always going to be relationship sex…"