Elusive female orgasm: who is to blame?

Written by Yetunde Arebi
~Vanguard Nigeria.  Friday, December 16, 2016. 

Female orgasm remains a contemporary issue in female sexual experience because of its complexity both scientifically and naturally. Many factors such as culture and tradition, religion, education. exposure, communication and personality also contribute to the difficulties faced by couples to make this happen with every sexual experience. In my quest to make this near magical experience more accessible to more women, I asked a couple of friends to share their views on the subject with me. It’s quite hilarious:

Bimbo Mate is a 46 year old Civil Servant and Relationship Counsellor. She thinks it is a now social problem:

This is a big problem between many couples. Some years ago, this was not a very important issue in many relationships. Not because it was not there, but because couples hardly talked about it nor did they actually make it a subject of discussion among their friends. But today, things have changed. Nigerians are more enlightened, we are not only more conscious of our surroundings, but of ourselves too.

Women who were hitherto, subservient to their men are now gaining more grounds by the day. There is educational freedom, economic freedom, and a conscious pursuit of good health and general well being on the part of individuals as a whole. So, many women are no longer interested in handouts and leftovers from the men. Even where the women still lack economic power, they have the advantage of education and social awareness to help them get their goals.

So, it’s only natural that things can no longer remain as they were some 30, 20, or even 10 years ago. Women now want to live a more pleasurable and fulfilled life. Back then, women who were bold enough to demand and take what they knew was good for them in relationships were often castigated and labelled. In extreme cases, their men may even seek divorce because of these women’s perceived overbearing attitude. But now, the reverse is more or less the case.



The problem of sexual pleasures and this orgasm business cannot really be blamed on one of the partners. It is something that requires great participation from the two involved. If they are not putting in enough, then they will not get what they want. A man must be equal to the task of pleasuring his woman, this is what makes him the man.

And the woman must be willing to talk about it, take steps to effect corrections and relaxed enough to enjoy and then give equally. The man has more work to do simply because it is easier for him to reach orgasm, whether his partner enjoys it or not. But once a woman does not enjoy it, it is the end. It becomes sexual endurance rather than sexual pleasure.

Our men must be willing to learn. Education is a lifelong process, no one should feel too old or too big to learn something, especially what will bring peace and love to the home or relationship. You can now read up almost any subject on the internet. Watch movies with love themes, sex themes and even indulge yourself with your fantasies.

Remember the locker room discussions? You can re-enact them by discussing with guys who know more than you do. Share experiences and pick up few things that will be useful to you too. It is true that sex is based on instinct, no one teaches you how to go in and out of a woman, but you can be taught how to do it effectively to achieve the right purpose.

However, women too should also realise that it is not every day that a man will be able to get it up or perform optimally in the first place, especially when age begins to creep in. There are many men who lack the stamina and skill to satisfy a woman but ego will neither allow them admit it, much less seek help. So, they fly at half-mast and blame everything and everyone but themselves for the situation. If things are not going right at the work place, if there is a financial problem, or other emotional problems, erection can fail.

Illnesses such as hypertension, diabetes, obesity, cancer, depression, and prostate gland disorder can lead to erection failure some of the time. Women too have their off days. More importantly, when there are unresolved issues between couples, lovemaking becomes a near impossible task for the woman especially. If a woman is not happy with you, she will find it difficult to relax and enjoy the act with you.

This is often different with men. Some men even when they are aware that their partners are not in the right frame of mind to engage in the act, force themselves on them none the less and just take what they want. I have met quite a number of couples who disagree over very simple issues such as preference of style. There are many men who find it difficult to go down on their partners for personal reasons, yet they demand it of them, insisting it is not the same thing.

All these are not the right attitude to lovemaking. It is called lovemaking because it ought to be between two consenting adults who claim to have affection for each other. And if you are truly in love with someone, you cannot seek that which will hurt the person.

Another mistake that many men also believe that their women must love and please them once they are living up to the financial responsibilities. It is the duty of the wife to provide sex on demand. They forget that money and lovemaking cannot be swapped for each other in a love relationship. The two must complement each other. Money makes most things possible, love makes all things bearable. Funny still, even men who can’t take adequate care of their families expect sex on demand.

Banji Olemo an Engineer believes "men need to shape up":

Romance is a big issue when it comes to sex. It is the vehicle which conveys sex. The condition of the vehicle will go a long way in determining how pleasurable the ride in it will be. For instance, everyone will enjoy driving in an air conditioned car to driving in one without, yet the two will take you to your destination. A Limo or Ferrari cannot be compared with a Mercedes Benz, even though they all may have air conditioning.

This is exactly the way sex is. If the romance is right, the foreplay is right, then, the coitus will be right. Even without coitus, both can still achieve satisfaction. I think most men are fixated with intercourse and sex have become synonymous to intercourse. And this is a big problem. Fortunately, it is not so with younger people today. I think they will have a more fulfilling sexual experience than our generation.

A man will always achieve orgasm, whether he enjoys the sex or not is another issue. In fact, you will hardly see a man who will recollect what the sex felt like once he has achieved orgasm. Most will be looking forward to the next experience but women tend to hang on much longer, re-enacting it and talking about it. What a man may recollect for a long time is the response of the woman to what he did.

For most normal men who know what to do, it is the sound from the pleasures of the woman that will fire him on to do more. Mind you, we are talking of a normal love relationship where both partners give and take freely of the gift that nature has provided them with. There are situations where this does not apply, so the expectations and result cannot be the same.

In a situation where the relationship is not based on a mutual give and take principle, where there is force, coercion, intimidation, or transaction between the partners, the results will be different. So the fact that you are in a mutually consenting relationship makes it mandatory that the two of you must strive to please each other. And since it is easier to please a man than the woman, the man has more work on his hands.

In fact, it takes next to nothing to please a man. Without foreplay, once there is an erection, a man will get into the act and take his pleasure. Where the atmosphere is conducive, every man will want to do this. Only men who know and believe in the theory of this mutual pleasure will go the extra mile to ensure that they take their partners there.

Now, do not begin to think that all of the men who do not take their partners to this peak are bad or selfish lovers. No, it is not true. Many of them want to, they just can't do it. Some men have problems of premature ejaculation and so cannot hold their erections for the period of time required to take their partners to that peak. Many men are still plagued down with masochistic and egocentric tendencies, believing that their women must take whatever it is they dish out, and remain contented.

So, even when such men are told by their partners that this is what they want done to them, they still do not take to such corrections. Some men can't help it, they are trapped in their manliness and stereotype. Unfortunately, some of these same men may turn out to be better lovers outside their matrimonial domains.

As partners, if we, as men, want to remain relevant and in tune with the times, we need to shape up. The kind of laxities that our fathers and forefathers enjoyed from their women are no longer available from many women of our generation. And it is getting worse by the day. The irony is that ideally, women’s sexual desire improve with age while the men’s decline. With the kind of things going on in society now, men really need to get their acts together. Nigerians are very cosmopolitan now, and anyone who insists on remaining in the past, may have himself to blame if care is not taken.

I can still recall an incident that happened when I was very young. One of my aunts had come to report her husband to my father. And the complaint was simply that the man was not having sex with her enough or as she wanted it. Back then, I found her complaints silly and promiscuous. For a long time, I used to call her a prostitute in my mind. I recall my father admonishing her also.

He told her there was nothing the man could do as he would not borrow another man’s penis to please her. But as I grew older, mixed with people and got married, I began to imagine and appreciate the woman's problems better. Our men need to shape up and stop being self centred. Unlike my father, I will advise our men, if you don’t have, go and buy.