Jokes and Humour: Say Your Phone Number - in 9ja!

2016/2017 Jokes:

• Say Your Phone Number - in 9ja!
• WhatsApp Group
• Doctor tells a story
• Akpors Versus Teacher: Can I ask u a few questions?
• Don't try to control your spouse. You will always lose!
• Wise Man Vs Pin-Head
• Drunk Driver's Offence
• Don't make A Woman Cry
• Beware of the Price Lure
• Auto-maniac joke, 2016
• BET9ja
• WATCHING FOOTBALL with your wife can be very frustrating and stressful!

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Say Your Phone Number - in 9ja!
~Anonymous

Ask a Yoruba person for his/ her Number and you will hear:
"Sero Hate Sero, Sis Hate Sis, Tlri Hate Hlri, Sefun Sis"
(0806863876)
"Na my Heartel number be that"

AN Hausa man nko? You will hear:
Tzero Seben Tzero, Pipe Pipe Seben, Por Pipe Por Eleben. 
(07055745411)

Then ask an Anambra lgboman , you get this: 
Not Ate Not, Tliple Tili, Dozen Dozen Tili 
( 0803312123.....)" 
"O Number mu"
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WhatsApp Group
~Tobe Obi.

Beggar at the traffic signal:
"What sir, only N10... 
Why the discrimination sir? You gave my friend N100 at the last traffic light".

Man in the car: 
"How did u know?"

Beggar: 
"He just sent me a whatsapp message with your car no. We are all members of the same whatsapp group".
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Doctor tells a story
By OK Chuk-Wu Dibor
March 4, 2017

Guy: Doctor, My girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carries a Gun wherever he goes. One day he took his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun,and shot the Lion,then it died!

Guy: Nonsense!! Someone else must've shot the Lion...

Doctor: Good!! You understood the Story.

Next patient please...
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Akpors Versus Teacher: Can I ask u a few questions?
~Tobe Obi.
9th February, 2017.

9ja rules! "Wahala dey o"! - Popularising the Naija Language: 5 things to be thankful for if you live in Nigeria

Topics:

• Popularising the Naija Language
• 5 things to be thankful for if you live in Nigeria
• Is there anything wrong with following instruction? Who is wrong here, the Ticha or the student?
• "My own don spoil today!!!"
• "Wahala dey o"!
• 9ja in the life beyond!

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Popularising the Naija Language
By DENJA ABDULLAHI


Using the word “pidgin” to describe the speech pattern or its written version commonly referred to as broken English in days gone by or stylishly named “rotten English” by Ken Saro Wiwa in his novel Sozaboy is no longer fashionable nor accurate –so concluded language scholars at the IFRA (Institut Francais de Recherche en Afrique) Nigeria-organized conference on the Nigeria Pidgin held at the University of Ibadan in 2009.

The conference rose with the firm resolution that the Nigerian Pidgin is currently well developed enough in terms of widespread usage, identifiable orthography and communicative propensity to shed the derogatory connotation of the term pidgin and wear a new respectable toga to be known as Naija. Several measures were suggested to further popularize the Naija Langwej in its current standardized version, among which was its use in literary writings.

The poet, Eriata Oribhabor, was an active participant at the said conference, where he presented a paper on “The Use of Naija in the Media, Arts and Entertainment” and it is, therefore, logical for him to attempt to creatively present the newly renamed Naija langwej in 50 poems of varying length and subjects in a collection entitled Abuja Na Kpangba An Oda Puem –dem .The arrival of the collection, with its catchy title, echoes many other iconoclastic efforts by notable poets in the past in their attempts to make us take the then pidgin seriously as a language of creativity. One recalls Aig-Imouekhuede’s Pidgin Stew and Sufferhead (1982),Ken Saro Wiwa’s long pidgin poem “Dis Nigeria Self” in his collection Songs In a Time of War(1985), Mamman Jiya Vatsa’s Tori For Geti Bow Leg(1985),Ezenwa Ohaeto’s I wan Bi President(1988) and If To Say I be Soja(1998) as signposting the land-marking usage of the Nigerian Pidgin in literature.

All the aforementioned books were received by the reading public for their public spirited themes and particularly for their use of a language with mass appeal –the language of the people.

Abuja Na Kpangba An Oda Puem-dem, though following in the footsteps of the rich traditions of Pidgin poetry of the earlier writers, makes a strong case for taking the form seriously in terms of conforming to the grammar and stylized standards of the Naija langwej. Beyond the pioneers identified above, contemporary writers usually switch on to pidgin as a kind of second rate attempt at creating humour which they erroneously think pidgin is best for and can be done as solely defined by the capacity and exposure of any writer. Thus we see varied orthography, some of them outlandish and mostly led by the ear and generally appearing like twisted English in many of the pieces presented as Nigerian Pidgin in contemporary Nigerian literature, whether it is drama, prose or poetry.

In Abuja Na Kpangba…, the corrective and pioneering venture of the poet Eriata in showcasing the new way the hitherto Nigerian Pidgin now Naija should be written is noted in the “Edito Mesej” by David Esizimetor prefacing the poems thus: “dis koleshon of puem speshal bikos na im bi di fest naija langwej buk we dem poblish wit di niu spelin sistem we bi Standad Naija Otografi(SNO) we Naija Langwej Akedemi(NLA)aprov.” After that, the poet plunges into the wonders and the contradictions of the city of Abuja in the title poem entitled Abuja na hevun,na kpangba where he writes: Abuja na ples!/ wen you land/ yu go wonda weda/ na Naija yu de?/ yu go de luk ayanyan/ yu go de hala laik se/ yu wan kolo/ yu go se/ “abi no bi Naija bi dis?”/ “abi na obodo oyibo bi dis?”

In another poem the poet asks: “Wich Landa Broda?” as a post-colonial critique of history as written or perceived by the colonizers, not sparing the internal colonialists, too: Abuja don te/ Gbagyi don de/ bifo Abuja kom de

na so i bi.// Naija don te/ awa pipul don te/ bifo Naija kom de/ na so i bi.//

Na so wi de/ Dem se na Landa Broda/ Dat na wait lai/ Wich Landa Broda?

In poems, such as “A get sista” and “Wich neshon yu bi?”, the poet explores family themes and upbringing resonating with the boy-girl child dilemma as it affects both parents. In the first poem, we witness a mother with so many boys already pining for a girl: “No bi boi bi di tin/na gel mama want/bot na boi” ; while in the second poem we encounter a disciplinarian father dealing with his horde of boys: “Papa pas soja/i gada os laik gels/haus no get gels/i no wan hie.”

The poems in the collection traverse the wide range of subjects any poet can muster, ranging from socio-political concern, love, treachery, ribaldry ,urban tales, class dichotomy to simple display of street lingo or credibility which is never in short supply in the arsenal of the form on which the collection is built.

What is however very noticeable in Abuja Na Kpangba is the assured manner in which the poet is able to navigate the varied subjects using Naija(Nigerian Pidgin) without being verbose and with refreshing turn of phrases in virtually all the poems that give the reader a feeling of reading Pidgin like it has not been written before. And in places where the poet quarries deep into the lingo of Naija, as spoken in maybe Sapele-Warri axis considered as the native speaking area of the language, footnotes not glossaries are generously supplied to aid comprehension by non-native speaker. For example, in the poem “Na fo haus yu swim?”, mocking pretentious child upbringing by parents, who themselves were very free as children, the poet pens thus: Wi du am fo sansan/ Baf fo sansan/ Swim fo dambadamba/ Kach ogoro,kuk feri fud/ Ple,jomp an laf. (italics mine).

In explaining some uncommon words in the above smippet from a much longer poem, the poet supplies footnotes indicating that sansan means “sandy ground”,dambadamba as “stagnant pool of rain water collected in dugout sand pits”,ogoro as “frogs” and kuk feri fud as “cook imaginary play food.”The most obvious change in the orthography a lay reader of the collection will notice in relation to earlier forms of the Nigerian Pidgin he or she may have come across is in the spelling and pronunciation of the letters or words i and a . The letter i in very many pidgin renditions sounds as or pronounced as a as in i dey kampe (apology to Olusegun Obasanjo of i -still –dey- laugh fame).In Abuja Na Kpangba, the written form of i and the pronunciation is close to that of the letter e as used in context in the poem “Abuja na hevun,na kpangba”: “Abuja na di ples!/na di veri ples/i de kamkpe no bi lai.” Compare that to the use in the poem “A arenj” which goes thus: “A de kamkpe/a arenj/a si pepe,a sabi/a arenj, etc.”

Eriata Oribhabor has definitely achieved a crescendo in Abuja Na Kpangba in the sheer exhibition of the mastery of Naija(Nigerain Pidgin), as he passionately weaves piece after piece, showcasing the viability of the language in expressing our humanity and the endless pleasures that lie in speaking in one’s own tongue;in this case the Naija Langwej.

The book from the content page to the blurb is written in the Naija langwej which is commendable except for the page on about the author at the very end which is written in straight English and one wonders why that oversight?And you readers must wonder too why this review was written in English and not in the Naija Langwej or at least in Nigerian Pidgin. I guess it will take a long time before we will be able to settle the language question in our literature and the coming of Abuja Na Kpangba has added a fresher dimension to the unending discourse.

Denja Abdullahi, former National General Secretary, Association of Nigerian Authors, is Deputy Director, National Council for Arts and Culture, Abuja.
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5 things to be thankful for if you live in Nigeria
~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, December 18, 2016. 

It's been a rough year for Nigeria. From the hike in the price of the dollar to increase in the cost of food and living, there have been a lot of reasons to feel discouraged about the giant of Africa. Many have become fixated on big-picture worries and so, take for granted all the little facets of life that deserve appreciation.

Believe it or not, Nigeria is still a pretty great place to live. And to bring a major boost to your overall happiness. Jumia Travel shares some things you can be grateful for if you live in Nigeria.

Jollof Rice

The trouble with sexual behaviour of Nigerian males

Written by Biodun Ogungbo

The Punchm Nigeria. Monday, April 25, 2016

A joke

Biodun Ogungbo

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning, she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man asking the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door again.

Later that night, when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home, in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both of them run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy, I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it."

She nods and opens the door. Sure enough, the man asks the same question.

"Do you have a vagina?"

"Yes", she says.

The man replies: "Good. Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

So, here we are this week.

Sexual predators

My 14-year-old niece was hit on two times within five minutes by two old men at an ice-cream parlour in Abuja. In fact, she told one of them, who asked for her phone number that she was only 14, and he said, "Stop lying about your age."

Another young girl was accosted by a middle-aged man at the shopping mall. He approached her with compliments about her beauty and then asked her out on a date. He did all this while his wife and their two children popped into a shop. Can you imagine what will happen if she goes away on holiday and he is left on his own? How depraved and morally deficient?

The fact is that many of these men are seemingly happily married. Some of them are even grandfathers. This calls for concern, especially when you hear tales of rich and powerful men usurping their positions for sex. Women are regularly sexually assaulted at their work places and at job interviews.

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Topics:

• Just for laughs
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• "CUT ! ".
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Just for laughs
~Punch, Nigeria.

Lets see how much our 'ribs will crack' from these bloopers and witty remarks that are made even more dramatic by their spontaneity and shrouded irony in some cases.

Pat Williams:We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.

Scout to Bill Shankley: He has football in his blood.

Bill Shankley: You may be right,but it hasn't reached his legs yet.

A journalist asks boxer Chris Eubank the following question during an interview:

Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?

Chris Eubank: On what?

Muhammad Ali: I've seen George Foreman shadow-boxing and the shadow won.

Eddie Shaw: He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.

Golf commentator: One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh, my God, what have I just said?

Metro Radio: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

George Best: I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!

Oscar Gamble: They don't think it be likeit is, but it do.

Jerry Rice: I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that.

Karl Malone: I ain'tgonna be no escape-goat.

Rita Rudner: The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said, If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down.

Kevin Keegan: The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23!

We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half.

Doug Plank: Most football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.

Tito Fuentes: They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids.

David Beckham: I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.

Jimmy Demaret: Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.

George Best on Paul Gascoigne: I once said Gazza's IQ was less than his shirt number and he asked me: What's an IQ?

Ruud Gullit: We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.

Jasper Carrott: I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

John Lambie, Partick Thistle Manager, when told his concussed striker did not know who he was: That's great, tell him he's Pele, and get him back on.

Tom Landry: Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable.

Derek Rae: It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.

Murdo Macleod: That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass.

Torrin Polk: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.

Bob Varsha: The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on thethrottle.

Jeremy Roenick: Yeah, I'm cocky and I am arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person.

Michael Jordan: I've never lost a game. I just ran out of time.

Eric Cantona: I prefer to play and lose rather than win, because I know in advance I'm going to win.

Lou Duva: He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.

Bill Peterson: You guys line up alphabetically by height.

LETTER TO WHITE MEN...

By Tanoe Michael Nah on fb - Liberia

Dear white men, U asked us to wear coats under hot sun, we did;

U said we should speak your language, we have obediently ignored ours.

U asked us to always tie a rope around our necks like goats, we have obeyed without questioning.

U asked our ladies to wear dead people's hair instead of the natural hair God gave to them, they have obeyed.

U said we should marry just one woman in the midst of
plenty black angels, we reluctantly agreed.

You said our decent girls should wear catapults instead of
the conventional pants, they have obeyed.

You asked us to use rubber in order to control our birth rate,
we agreed.....

Now U want our MEN to sleep with fellow MEN & WOMEN
with fellow WOMEN so that God would punish us like Sodom
and Gomora? We say No!!

We don't agree with U this time! Proudly African, we say a
huge NO to GAY relationships and LESBIAN.

~Robert Mugabe

Exercise, lose weight and have great sex

Written by Biodun Ogungbo - Punch, Nigeria.

First, a joke.

A fat man saw an advertisement that said, “Lose 5kg in a week.”

He made a phone call and said, “I would like to join!” The lady who responded welcomed the idea and asked him to be ready 6am the following day.

The following morning, he got to the gym and was taken to a room. He opened the door and found a beautiful woman there clad in only a shirt and underpants.

She said, “If you can catch me, you can sleep with me!” The lady started running, while the man started to run after her. But he could not catch her. During the whole week, he tried hard to catch her but could not. He, however, lost 5kg in the process!

He then asked for the 10kg programme. The next time, he opened the door and found another woman clad in a bikini who said, “If you catch me, you can sleep with me.”

He lost 10kg that week although he did not catch the woman. So, he thought this was an awesome programme and then requested the 25kg weight loss programme.

The lady said, “Are you sure? It’s really tough!”

Holy Toasting...!

From  Lewis Okomayin - Nigeria

Boy: do you have a boyfriend?
Girl: No. I don’t want a boyfriend.
Boy: Genesis 2:18 “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’.”
Girl: But I don’t love you.
Boy: 1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love, does not know God, because God is love.”
Girl: So how do I discern that your words are true?
Boy: Matthew 12:34b “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."
Girl: But how can I be sure that you are faithful and honest?
Boy: Mark 13:31 “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."
Girl: But why me? There are so many girls out there.
Boy: Proverbs 31:29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all!”
Girl: But what do you see in me, that makes you love me?
Boy: Song of Songs 4:7 " You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
Girl: But really, I’m not that beautiful … you’re exaggerating.
Boy: Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

The games women play when your zipper is open

Written by Biodun Ogungbo - Nigeria

Dr. Biodun Ogungbo

I thought I would spend this week just chilling out, reminiscing about the games men and women play. But first, women! Women play games in love and relationships. As a man, you need to be at your best to figure out when the game starts, the kind of game and the rules of the game.

First, a joke

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.' He did not understand her, so he went on his way looking puzzled. When he was done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have a little fun with her. So, when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?' The lady (naturally the smarter sex) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled soldier sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.'

The first time

Of course, she did not plan to spend the night but she did! What was strange, however, was that she asked to have a shower and wash her knickers. She left the knickers on the window sill to dry and came to bed naked. To a man, this means open house and an invitation to the house warming party! But, you still have to ask nicely or you would be denied.

However, if, for example, you refuse to take the bait and force her to make another move, this is what she would do. She would curl up and pretend to sleep.

How to make Man or Woman Happy

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements

So what's so hard about that?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:

It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist

Office Stress -(Video)

1.

2.

Never force children to Pray.

By Hybrid Obi - Nigeria

At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer...
BOY: But i dont know how to pray
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
BOY: "Dear Lord" he started Thank u for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice
cream. Bless them so they wont come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.This coming Christmas, pliz send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work
°°°AMEN°°°°
…………………………
Dinner was cancelled

2013 Jokes and Humour!

By Hybrid Obi - Nigeria

A baby boy was born in hospital laughing instead of crying, the more the nurses beat him, the more he laughed so hard,

... suddenly the doctor noticed he had something in his hands, so he pulled the tiny hands apart and discovered he was holding 3 abortion pills.
The baby then turned his head looking at his mother, laughed again and said

"NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER!"

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Akpos

Akpos insisted that his first child must bear his name. So on the day of naming....

Rev: Which name would you like your child to bear?

Akpos: With smiles all over his face he said, Akpos!

Rev: No! He has to bear an English name.

Akpos: Ok oh, Akposky!

Rev: Listen, your son should be named after a saint in the bible.

Akpos: Nawa oh, which kind wahala be this?? Ok oga pastor, my son will bear St. Akpostus.

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Smart Chickens
Frederick Ifeanyi Obiajulum Adigwe - Nigeria

A man bought some eggs n discovered there's nothing inside. He went back to the shop to complain, they broke the eggs and all were found empty, they went to the poultry to complain... some chicken came out and started laughing and said: "look at them" they don't know we've started using condoms.

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Keeping the fire burning in a relationship is a lot of work and time investment

Naomi Uche Ochia - Nigeria

There were a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'   All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text:
 'I love you, sweetheart'.

 Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies.

1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time o.
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die o.
11. Are u drunk again?
12. Whatever you want the answer is no! Hehehehe

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