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Showing posts with label Street Gossip. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Street Gossip. Show all posts

Oxford English Dictionary recognises some Nigerian English words

VANGUARD HEADLINE | Posted: Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Oxford English Dictionary
My English-speaking is rooted in a Nigerian experience and not in a British or American or Australian one. I have taken ownership of English.

This is how acclaimed Nigerian writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie describes her relationship with English, the language which she uses in her writing, and which millions of her fellow Nigerians use in their daily communication. By taking ownership of English and using it as their own medium of expression, Nigerians have made, and are continuing to make, a unique and distinctive contribution to English as a global language. We highlight their contributions in this month's update of the Oxford English Dictionary, as a number of Nigerian English words make it into the dictionary for the first time.

The majority of these new additions are either borrowings from Nigerian languages or unique Nigerian coinages that have only begun to be used in English in the second half of the twentieth century, mostly in the 1970s and 1980s.

One particularly interesting set of such loanwords and coinages has to do with Nigerian street food. The word buka, borrowed from Hausa and Yoruba and first attested in 1972, refers to a roadside restaurant or street stall that sells local fare at low prices. Another term for such eating places first evidenced in 1980 is bukateria, which adds to buka the -teria ending from the word cafeteria. An even more creative synonym is mama put, from 1979, which comes from the way that customers usually order food in a buka: they say 'Mama, put...' to the woman running the stall, and indicate the dish they want. The word later became a generic name for the female food vendors themselves-Nobel Prize-winning Nigerian playwright Wole Soyinka notably includes a Mama Put character in one of his works.

The informal transport systems that emerged in Nigeria's huge, densely populated cities have also necessitated lexical invention. Danfo, a borrowing from Yoruba whose earliest use in written English is dated 1973, denotes those yellow minibuses whizzing paying passengers through the busy streets of Lagos, the country's largest city. Okada, on the other hand, is first attested twenty years later, and is the term for a motorcycle that passengers can use as a taxi service. It is a reference to Okada Air, an airline that operated in Nigeria from 1983 to 1997, and its reputation as a fast yet potentially dangerous form of transport, just like the motorcycle taxi.

A few of the Nigerian words in this update were created by shortening existing English words. One example is the adjective guber (earliest quotation dated 1989), which is short for 'gubernatorial'-so Nigerians, for instance, would call a person running for governor a 'guber candidate'. Another frequently used clipping with a longer history in English is agric. It was originally used in American English around 1812 as a graphic abbreviation for the adjective agricultural, but is now used chiefly in this sense in West Africa. In the early 1990s, agric began to be used in Nigeria to designate improved or genetically modified varieties of crops or breeds of livestock, especially a type of commercially reared chicken that is frequently contrasted with 'native' (i.e. traditionally reared) chicken. Two decades later, Nigerian students also started to use the word as a noun meaning agricultural science as an academic subject or course.

Stop complaining I married Nigerian, Singer Becca tells Ghanaians

Punch Nigeria. Thursday, October 31, 2019

Ghanaian singer, Rebecca Akosua Acheampomaa Acheampong, popularly called Becca, who is married to a Nigerian, Oluwatobi Sanni Daniel, has told her countrymen to stop complaining about the fact that she didn’t marry one of them.

Becca and Daniel got marriedon August 18, 2018, and have already welcomed their first child, a baby girl.

The singer, who has a new single featuring Nigeria’s Tiwa Savage said that she was 33 years old when she got married and as of that time, no Ghanaian man had asked her to marry him.

She said this during an interview session with Afia Pokua. The interview was shared on Instagram.

Becca said, “I did. I got married at 33. So, they cannot say that after 33 years of living in this country, nobody saw me or anything.”

Although the interview was mostly done in a Ghanaian language, the part, where she talked about the age at which she married and how no Ghanaian man had asked to take her to the altar was said in English.
See video link below:

https://www.instagram.com/p/B4FxMKlncsN/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading

Trapped between cultures: Nigerian parents in the US, UK, devise ways to save kids

Source: Punch Newspapers Nigeria. Saturday, November 17, 2018

Born and raised in lands thousands of kilometres away from their ancestral homes, many Nigerian parents in the Diaspora are finding new ways of reinforcing indigenous cultures in their children, writes ERIC DUMO







Jesus na you be Oga, Jesus na you be Oga, all other gods na so so yeye, every other god na yeye dem be," gushed out of 12-year-old Amaka's mouth in disjointed Pidgin English as she made for the door. It was a dry afternoon with wind blowing at top speed across most parts of California, yet the excitement on the little girl's face was as moist as a sweaty palm.



Born and nurtured in the United States, young Amaka only got to visit her parents' country - Nigeria - for the first time last December. She had heard so much about the place - many of those tales were gory presentations of what Africa's most populous country looked like. The little girl was only Nigerian in nomenclature but American in spirit and soul. When she jetted out of the LAX International Airport in California together with her father - Mr. Isaiah Uchendu - and mother, Ijeoma - on December 13 last year, she was unsure of what to expect upon arrival in Orlu, Imo State - the home town of her parents. Tales of blood-sucking demons running riot and huge man-eating apes jumping from trees to rooftops had created a dreadful picture of Nigeria in the days preceding the long voyage. It was the beginning of the end as far as she was concerned. But 11 months after that historic trip, Amaka has a different idea of her fatherland and the amazing culture of its many peoples.

Experiencing Lagos, Abuja, Port Harcourt, Calabar, Owerri and her native Orlu in the five weeks she
stayed in the country, the little girl not only realised how wrong her earlier ideas were but also what she had been missing all along. She wished she could turn back the hands of time.

"I thought we were heading to a jungle in Africa but I was surprised when the airplane landed in a place called Lagos, a big city with cars and houses," the 12-year-old recalled as our correspondent played guest to the family at their modest three-bedroomed apartment in San Bernardino, Los Angeles, California, during a recent visit to the United States.



There are about 23,302 Nigerians in the state of California alone, according to a 2016 American Community Survey. While many have lived there for decades, acquiring citizenship status in the process, the pursuit of a new life amidst crushing poverty and widening economic inequality in Nigeria has driven dozens more there.

The Uchendus moved to this bustling city a little over 12 years ago - shortly before Amaka's delivery - their first and only child. The couple, despite now fully entrenched in the American way of life, has not forgotten their roots. Each year, one of them makes the long trip home at least once to see and meet with family members, relatives and friends. The tradition has not only helped them to keep in touch with happenings in their home community but also helped them put to good use their hard-earned savings in the United States. Isaiah works as a driver at a delivery company, while Ijeoma is a senior sales executive at a popular chain store. But while they have plenty of 'Nigeria' in them even in America, Amaka only knows little about home - a situation the couple are desperate to change.
"My daughter used to have weird thoughts about Nigeria and Africa in general and that bothered me and my wife a lot," the 42-year-old said, clutching tightly to the little girl on the three-seater sofa they sat. "Initially, we didn't pay much attention to this but as she began to grow older, we became more concerned. We wanted her to know more about home - about our hometown, Orlu, and our culture in general.

"We saw how other Nigerian parents were beginning to seriously introduce and instil their indigenous culture in their children, so we became more interested in doing the same.
"We began to take her to more Nigerian events in California and started making her take active part in the activities just like the other children.

"As time wore on, she started to show more interest and in fact wanted to know more about Nigeria and her many cultures. My wife and I, at that point, thought that it would be nice to finally take her home to witness things for herself.

GYMS – DANGER TO MARRIAGES

Recent studies across the world by a group of Christian Social Women Group has revealed that patronage of gyms are becoming a high risk option to sustainability of marriages.

The health and physical benefits of gyms not withstanding, the gyms are proving to be fertile grounds for infidelity and promiscuity. Some of the observations made are revealing:

First, the gym instructors prey on vulnerable women. A lot of married women have adopted the gym as a panacea to reducing weight and looking cutely attractive. Presumably because their spouses could be more attracted to their new curvy bodies. This makes them vulnerable to predating gym instructors who take advantage and seduce them. Touching the women at their most weakest areas opened them up for abuses and lasciviousness. Women biologically respond to tickles and fondles depending on which part of the body you touch. Gym instructors cunningly and constantly touch these spots when they observed them to break the emotional stability of those women. These over a period opens up those women for abuse. It was observed that these are prevalent with more affluent women and also lonely spouses.

Socialisation – The study also revealed that most marriages have suffered because the men or women have taken the gyms as their main centres of socialisation. When couples don’t find any reliable source of socialisation, they see the gym and the patrons as their most reliable friends, partners and joy. Most couples who attend the gym together do not face this risk. Couples who attend gyms alone are very prone to these dangers. After a period of socialising with the same opposite sex for a time, bonding becomes almost unavoidable. The more they train, chat, drink and sometimes eat together after the physical exercises, they become used to each other and sometimes share their marriage challenges. Unsuspecting partners are taken advantage of through a show of sympathy and sometimes outright deception and ill advice.

Targeting – Some men and women have intentionally joined gyms and clubs purposely to prey on a targeted victim. Many men and women have ignorantly fallen to wicked and deceitful men and women who have targeted them over a period. The targets may not know that these men and women have intentioned to have them for long and unsuspectingly opened up to them as gym mates and friends.

Jokes and Humour: Say Your Phone Number - in 9ja!

2016/2017 Jokes:
  • Say Your Phone Number - in 9ja!
  • WhatsApp Group
  • Doctor tells a story
  • Akpors Versus Teacher: Can I ask u a few questions?
  • Don't try to control your spouse. You will always lose!
  • Wise Man Vs Pin-Head
  • Drunk Driver's Offence
  • Don't make A Woman Cry
  • Beware of the Price Lure
  • Auto-maniac joke, 2016
  • BET9ja
  • WATCHING FOOTBALL with your wife can be very frustrating and stressful!
_____________________________________


Say Your Phone Number - in 9ja!
~Anonymous

Ask a Yoruba person for his/ her Number and you will hear:
"Sero Hate Sero, Sis Hate Sis, Tlri Hate Hlri, Sefun Sis"
(0806863876)

"Na my Heartel number be that"

AN Hausa man nko? 
You will hear:
Tzero Seben Tzero, Pipe Pipe Seben, Por Pipe Por Eleben. 
(07055745411)

Then ask an Anambra lgboman , you get this: 

Not Ate Not, Tliple Tili, Dozen Dozen Tili 
( 0803312123.....)" 
"O Number mu"
--------------------------------------

WhatsApp Group
~Tobe Obi.

Beggar at the traffic signal:
"What sir, only N10... 
Why the discrimination sir? You gave my friend N100 at the last traffic light".

Man in the car: 

"How did u know?"

Beggar: 

"He just sent me a whatsapp message with your car no. We are all members of the same whatsapp group".
----------------------------------------------
Doctor tells a story
By OK Chuk-Wu Dibor
March 4, 2017

Guy: Doctor, My girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?


Doctor: Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carries a Gun wherever he goes. One day he took his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun,and shot the Lion,then it died!


Guy: Nonsense!! Someone else must've shot the Lion...


Doctor: Good!! You understood the Story.


Next patient please...
--------------------------------------------------

Akpors Versus Teacher: Can I ask u a few questions?

~Tobe Obi.
9th February, 2017.

Lagos: 'Pastor's been sleeping with me since I was 10; this's the fourth abortion'

Written by Evelyn Usman & Onozure Dania
~Vanguard Nigeria. Thursday, May 25, 2017.

LAGOS-Scriptural assertions of wolves in sheep clothing resurfaced yesterday, following a startling revelation by a 16-year-old Senior Secondary School, SSS, I student, on how she has been subjected to sexual violations since she was 10 years by a pastor at the Egbe branch of a popular new generation pentecostal church.

The victim, who spoke from the hospital bed around Ikotun area of the state, alleged that the suspect, with the connivance of a medical doctor, had carried out four abortions on her without her consent.

Trouble, as gathered, started for the teenager after the demise of her parents six years ago. An uncle she identified simply as George, took her to Delta State from where the suspect, who had just been separated from his wife, took her to Lagos to look after his child, with a promise to train her in school.

That was when he allegedly started a sexual relationship with her in his three-bedroom flat at 6, Dolamo Street, Agodo-Egbe.

The victim alleged that whenever he wanted to have sexual intercourse with her, he would invite her to his bedroom and offer her some drugs after which she would lose her memory.

According to her, "he usually invited me to bring water to his room at night. Thereafter, he would give me some drugs. But when I summoned courage to ask him one day, he said that the drugs was to make me sexually active.

'No one believed me'

"I have waited for this day when I would be free from his claws. The first time I opened up to our branch's Senior Pastor and his wife, I was hushed. They even said I wanted to tarnish my guardian's image, despite all he had done to keep me in school.

"Again, I reported the sexual molestation to some of my school teachers, but they said they did not know how to go about it and how to prove my claim. They were even afraid that I could be driven away from the house and that it would mean the end of my education.

Reasons why Nigerians eat meat last

~Vanguard Nigeria. Friday, March 24, 2017.

You must have observed at the restaurant that many Nigerians eat their meat last. It raises the question, why do they eat the meat at the end of their meal?

The type of meat you will most likely to get in a restaurant include round about,ponmo,shaki, chicken, and cow/goat meat. Interestingly, this practice knows no gender as both boys and girls do it.Jumia Travel, the leading online travel agency shares some hilarious reasons why some Nigerians eat meat last.

You save the best for last
Image result for africans eating meat images
You order 3 wraps of Eba and sizzling vegetable and meat. The meat is like a trophy you are rewarded with after you have successfully dealt with the wraps ofeba,Congratulations, this is your meat trophy, you can now eat it. You clasp your fingers, pick your meat in a slow motion, drop in your mouth, close your eyes to savour the taste and chew. Wow!

It is embarrassing when eating and there is no meat

Yes now. You are eating a plate of rice and you eat your meat at the middle or beginning of your meal, you yourself will be embarrassed. If unfortunately at that very moment you ate your meat before finishing your meal a pretty lady sits beside or in front of you, you will regret ever eating your meat. In fact, shame will not allow you finish the meal.

It motivates you to complete the meal

Quite a number of people cannot eat a meal if there is no meat let alone complete it. So, the meat inspires and motivates you to empty your food in your stomach. You will even salivate as you look forward to devouring the meat.


It is the way 'I' was brought up
Related image
For some Nigerians, the reason why they eat meat last is the way they were brought. The watchful eyes of mummy will not allow them to eat the meat until they finish the food. Hence, you dare not try to eat your meat immediately you start eating if you don't want to receive ahot slap. So, it is already part of them.

You don't have enough money to buy meat

If you buy like 5 types of meat buy your plate of write, there will be enough meat to run the full length of the meal. This will enable to eat meat at the beginning, middle, and end. But, you can't try this if you bought only one meat. You have to reserve it until the end.

It is bad habit

Some people consider eating your meat immediately as bad habit.

Nollywood actor, Hanks Anuku exits Nigeria, turns Ghanaian

~Vanguard Nigeria. Sunday, March 5, 2017.

Actor Hanks Anuku turns Ghanaian with new name
Nana Kwame Fifi Kakra Anuku.
Nollywood Actor Hanks Anuku has become a Ghanaian having naturalised, relocated and changed his name to Nana Kwame Fifi Kakra Anuku.

The veteran actor Hanks Anuku has finally embraced Ghana as his adopted country, Ghana Link reports.

The actor who has relocated to Accra has now become a naturalized citizen of Ghana.

In a recent interview with Ghana Creative Arts, Hanks said he is going to stay in Ghana for the rest of his life in order to help Ghanaians.

On why he left Nigeria, the actor said the crisis in Nigeria forced him to leave the country and send his family to London while he hustle in Accra Ghana.

He added that his adopted Ghanaian name is Nana Kwame Fiifi Kakra Anuku.

TheCable€ï€² Verified accountï‚™ @thecableng tweeted Hanks Anuku saying that " God told me to leave Nigeria... I have found peace in Ghana ''.

BROWN CHYNA€ @Brown_Chynah also said Anuku comfirmed: " I'm Ghanaian Now!''

He said aActor Hanks Anuku Changes His Name To Nana Kwame Fifi Kakra

Sobontone€ @Shubomi_said "Anuku Ditches Nigeria & Becomes Ghanaian; Changes Name''.

Men are wired to give, women wired to receive


The SUN Nigeria. Monday, February 20, 2017.

It had
 started like any other conversation to kill time. Why do women like to take and take? And why do men give women even when it is obvious that the women have more than enough? I bring you excerpts from the banter between a friend and me.

My Friend: Men are foolish, very foolish.

Me: Ah ah, what's biting you? How can you just wake up and make such a blasphemous declaration?

My Friend: How did blasphemy come into this matter? You don't even know what I'm talking about.

Me: I'm itching to find out, trust me. You, a man declaring that men, all men are fools. I'm a woman and I will not even say such a thing. You can call men overgrown babies. They love breasts and are never weaned from them. They love to be petted and pampered but they are no fools. No, I totally disagree with you.

My Friend: By the time I'm done, you will agree with me.

Me: Hmn, until then.

My Friend: Okay, start by explaining this. NYSC pays all corp members the same salaries and allowances, right? But when they get to mammy market, the male corper dips his hands into his pockets and like a fool buys drinks and pepper soup for the female corper. The female corper saves her money after having a good time.

Me: So, the Bobo corper is a fool because of that? That is so totally unfair. He's just being a man. You don't expect the babe to pay for suya when her boo is able and capable?

My Friend: So, the babe is disable and incapable?

Me: Nooo, it's just the way of the world.

A boy used diabolic means, sexually abused me – Rita Edochie

~Vanguard, Nigeria. Sunday, May 29, 2016

Abuja – Popular Nollywood actress, Rita Edochie, said on Saturday in Abuja that she was unaware that she was pregnant when she was in primary six.

Edochie said in an interview that contrary to a story that she did not tell her mother about the pregnancy, she was not even aware of her situation.

“Though a boy used diabolic means and sexually abused me; I was not aware, I could not tell exactly how it happened.

“I was not aware that I was pregnant then; I was so tiny.

“We were playing games in the school; the type that the instructor or referee will say `number one' and pupils with number 1 would run and collect something.

“It was during the game that a fellow pupil insulted me that my tummy was like a breadfruit; I was angered and beat her up,” she said.

She explained that the lesson teacher then asked them to go home and bring their parents.

The actress said that she was a young innocent girl who could not tell lies to the mother or against the mother.

“When I got home, I told my mother what led to the fight; she then asked me to raise up my dress; I did and after examination, she said that I was pregnant.

“When she said, ‘do you know that you are pregnant,’ I fainted; any other story aside this is not true,'' Edochie said.

Teenage children who bring out the worst in you!

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard, Nigeria. Sunday, May 22, 2016

Joyce is a childhood friend I see often. When I called on her a few months back she looked visibly flustered. I was at a loose end and and had gone to see her for our usual natter. "Am I glad to see you," she said, ushering me into a chair in the kitchen where she was making up different mouth-watering dishes. I certainly had called at a good time. I patted myself on the back, as I tucked in with relish. "Henrietta is back," she informed as we ate. I looked blank. "You haven't forgotten all about her have you? Mercy's second daughter!" The penny finally dropped.

Mercy is Joyce's first cousin. She's always been close to Mercy's mother, Louisa, who is her big aunty. A woman-of-the-world, Louisa is the proud mother of three children from three different fathers. Nothing unusual these days where couples exchange partners like goods from a super-market, the snag is that the first and last 'husbands' were rich while Henrietta's father couldn't be described as a silver-spoon kid.

Henrietta knew she wasn't the apple of her mother's eyes and she behaved accordingly. "Her nasty father is fetish and must have used juju on my daughter," Louisa had said any time she had the opportunity. "Why else would Mercy give in to a rough-neck like that" Look at Henrietta's two siblings. Mercy's first daughter, Tina, the daughter of a renowned structural engineer, is a proper lady and her father sent her to the best public school as soon as she finished secondary school here. She's a real lady, thanks to her dad's impeccable pedigree. Pity his snooty self-centred wife refused to even think of him taking on Mercy as a second wife … When Mercy met Henrietta's father, Joyce wasn't exactly shouting for joy. The only advantage is that he agreed to marry her and be a step-dad to Tina," Joyce had told me. "But Tina's dad told him he should forget it – Tina had a dad who was proud of her. Anyway, they got married.He was a divorcee with two children and lived in the seedy part of the city. Still, Mercy, who was then a top personnel manager in a huge firm agreed to come down to his level because of love. In no time at all, the beast showed his claws and by the time Henrietta was only six, it was obvious they hated each other. It was inevitable that the marriage crashed and Mercy relocated abroad, leaving Henrietta in her mum's care.

"Louisa couldn't hide her distaste for the poor girl. Any time she put a foot wrong, she shrieked at her. 'The horse behind always takes a running cue from the one in front', she used to say. 'If you are blind to see how fast the front horse is running, shouldn't you look at the horse behind you in case it catches up with you?' This rear horse is Mercy's third child, a longed for son she had for another colleague just before she left for England.

When a 'husband-snatcher'got her comeuppance

Written by Bunmi Sofola
~Vanguard, Nigeria. Sunday, May 22, 2016

CHANCES of remarrying after a divorce might be slim; but some women are so lucky they even have third chances! A few weeks ago, Debbie, a once distraught wife, who has now got the hang of living with the intricacies of her husband's shenanigans came to the house looking radiant. "Would you come to a wedding party with me tomorrow?" she asked. Wedding?

As eagerly as families look forward to their offsprings getting married, the long-drawn ceremonies usually leave me climbing the walls. Engagement ceremonies I give a miss if I could get away with it. With the weddings proper, I usually ask the driver to be at the ready to get away anytime I get bored. Debbie knows of my aversion to weddings and assured me this one would be different.

"The couple had already got married abroad; they only came home for the wedding party," said Debbie. "Actually, the groom is Uncle Tony's wife's son." The plot thickens, I muttered. Debbie's Uncle Tony had been abroad for years and was married with four children, when his wife got tired of his philandering ways and kicked him out. By the time his divorce went through and the courts slapped a generous maintenance allowance on wife to be paid each month for the kids' upkeep, Uncle Tony came to Nigeria on holidays and never went back. He was determined his wife and kids wouldn't take him to the cleaners without a fight.

Instead, he used the nest-egg he'd brought back with him to complete a bungalow his ex-wife had no inkling he was building. His friends rallied round him by helping him set up a blockmaking business, and he was comfortable enough to take a new wife.The new wife, Bisi, was also married with five children before the husband exchanged her for a new model. They were both lucky to find each other, and Bisi relished her second-chance marriage.

The return of the 'Prodigal Husband!

From Femi Ajasa   Sunday, March 13, 2016
~Vanguard, Nigeria - By Candida

IT was a busy time at the office and I'd left specific instructions with my secretary not to be disturbed – except she thought it was absolutely necessary. So, when she peeked tentatively into my office and 1 scowled in disapproval, she quickly mouthed that Ini's husband was at the reception area.

Ini, my very good friend's husband? What the heck did he want? After frequent visits, to his home-town, the result of his clandestine visits had finally surfaced some few months ago. And who should let the cat out of the bag but some of his "respected" relatives who thought it was about time Ini knew her children had a half-brother. Without any warning of the impending bombshell, Ini was furious after the 'meeting'. But her in-laws pompously warned her to get a grip on herself – her husband wouldn't be the first man to stray from the straight and narrow. What was more, the son had a right to his father's home – the home that was more Ini's than her husband's.

For the next few weeks, Ini made life unbearable for Charles, her husband, that he virtually relocated to his town to savour the joys of new fatherhood. The last time I saw him, he was unrepentant. He said I should have a word with my friend to be realistic. That a child was involved here and if he didn't have any feelings for its mother, he wouldn't sleep with her. That he'd heard Ini refer to her mistress as a village illiterate. For my information, he went on with his lecture, the girl was not an illiterate but a successful trader and a princess. Over the years, I've learnt the wisdom of a still tongue, so I said nothing. Not even to my friend when I next saw her. Now he was in my office. To inform me he was finally leaving my friend to live with Cinderalla?

I found him sitting forlornly at the reception, looking like a stranger. He'd aged too. He sprang to his feet as soon as he saw me and I ushered him to my office. "I know I've no right to pounce on you without an appointment", he said "God knows I wasn't even expecting you to see me. But you've got to speak to Ini. Please you're one of the few people she'd listen to. Please beg her to take me back. I want to come home and I need this second chance badly.
"I know I'd been so stupid. Ini has always turned a blind eye on my affairs. Springing this child on her was a mistake. I was misled by those nossy village people. I'll never embarrass her like this again … "

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__________________________________________________
Just for laughs
~Punch, Nigeria.


Lets see how much our 'ribs will crack' from these bloopers and witty remarks that are made even more dramatic by their spontaneity and shrouded irony in some cases.

Pat Williams:We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.

Scout to Bill Shankley: He has football in his blood.
Bill Shankley: You may be right,but it hasn't reached his legs yet.

A journalist asks boxer Chris Eubank the following question during an interview:
Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?
Chris Eubank: On what?

Muhammad Ali: I've seen George Foreman shadow-boxing and the shadow won.

Eddie Shaw: He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.

Golf commentator: One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh, my God, what have I just said?

Metro Radio: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

George Best: I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!

Oscar Gamble: They don't think it be likeit is, but it do.

Jerry Rice: I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that.

Karl Malone: I ain'tgonna be no escape-goat.

Rita Rudner: The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said, If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down.

Kevin Keegan: The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23!
We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half.

Doug Plank: Most football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.

Tito Fuentes: They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids.

David Beckham: I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.

Jimmy Demaret: Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.

George Best on Paul Gascoigne: I once said Gazza's IQ was less than his shirt number and he asked me: What's an IQ?

Ruud Gullit: We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.

Jasper Carrott: I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

John Lambie, Partick Thistle Manager, when told his concussed striker did not know who he was: That's great, tell him he's Pele, and get him back on.

Tom Landry: Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable.

Derek Rae: It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.

Murdo Macleod: That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass.

Torrin Polk: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.

Bob Varsha: The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on thethrottle.

Jeremy Roenick: Yeah, I'm cocky and I am arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person.

Michael Jordan: I've never lost a game. I just ran out of time.

Eric Cantona: I prefer to play and lose rather than win, because I know in advance I'm going to win.

Lou Duva: He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.

Bill Peterson: You guys line up alphabetically by height.

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