The games women play when your zipper is open

Written by Biodun Ogungbo - Nigeria

Dr. Biodun Ogungbo

I thought I would spend this week just chilling out, reminiscing about the games men and women play. But first, women! Women play games in love and relationships. As a man, you need to be at your best to figure out when the game starts, the kind of game and the rules of the game.

First, a joke

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.' He did not understand her, so he went on his way looking puzzled. When he was done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have a little fun with her. So, when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?' The lady (naturally the smarter sex) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled soldier sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.'

The first time

Of course, she did not plan to spend the night but she did! What was strange, however, was that she asked to have a shower and wash her knickers. She left the knickers on the window sill to dry and came to bed naked. To a man, this means open house and an invitation to the house warming party! But, you still have to ask nicely or you would be denied.

However, if, for example, you refuse to take the bait and force her to make another move, this is what she would do. She would curl up and pretend to sleep.

2013 Jokes and Humour!

By Hybrid Obi - Nigeria

A baby boy was born in hospital laughing instead of crying, the more the nurses beat him, the more he laughed so hard,

... suddenly the doctor noticed he had something in his hands, so he pulled the tiny hands apart and discovered he was holding 3 abortion pills.
The baby then turned his head looking at his mother, laughed again and said

"NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER!"

--------------------------------
Akpos

Akpos insisted that his first child must bear his name. So on the day of naming....

Rev: Which name would you like your child to bear?

Akpos: With smiles all over his face he said, Akpos!

Rev: No! He has to bear an English name.

Akpos: Ok oh, Akposky!

Rev: Listen, your son should be named after a saint in the bible.

Akpos: Nawa oh, which kind wahala be this?? Ok oga pastor, my son will bear St. Akpostus.

--------------------------------

Smart Chickens
Frederick Ifeanyi Obiajulum Adigwe - Nigeria

A man bought some eggs n discovered there's nothing inside. He went back to the shop to complain, they broke the eggs and all were found empty, they went to the poultry to complain... some chicken came out and started laughing and said: "look at them" they don't know we've started using condoms.

----------------------------
Keeping the fire burning in a relationship is a lot of work and time investment

Naomi Uche Ochia - Nigeria

There were a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'   All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text:
 'I love you, sweetheart'.

 Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies.

1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time o.
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die o.
11. Are u drunk again?
12. Whatever you want the answer is no! Hehehehe

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Click to see all the jokes: Jokes and Humour

2012 Hot Jokes!

A huge bush meat

By The Incredible DJ Mike Williams. A man was traveling in his car along Ughelli-Asaba express road. He sited a huge bush meat hanging on a stick and decided to buy it. He stopped and priced; Madam, how much is your bush meat?. The woman replied;  Oga na N7000.  The man exclaimed; Haba madam, e too cost na, how much you go sell am last?.  The woman said; Oga, bring 6,500. The man then said; Ok, go put am for inside my boot. The woman went behind the car saying in her mind; If this man open the boot, I go drop the bush meat for ground go collect my money.  Immediately the boot was open, the woman put the bush meat on the ground and closed the boot without putting the bush meat inside, the man speed off without paying the woman.  Now the  Question is,  Who is smarter?  Who is the bad GUY? ------------------------------------------  'MISSISSIPI'! By Hybrid Obi - Nigeria 2 Italian men boarded a bus in UK. They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Then two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady couldn't take it anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex, I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'MISSISSIPI'!

2012 matured jokes.

MEN NEVER LISTEN

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA</ FONT> , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

2011: 'Crack' ya ribs with Jokes!

USING CODE NAMES AT HOME

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea  

"A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.
One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that
he wanted to make a phone call.
Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.
Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the "Public Phone".
Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares go to a Public Phone, then I will open a " Call Center " at home."
_____________________

An Italian Mother

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea  

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother could not help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You do not suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I will email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear mama,

I am not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I am not saying that you "did not" take it.  But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama

Husband & Wife-ly jokes!

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea

Husband:  Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

                 It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!

      Wife:  No darling, it means,

                With Idiot For Ever

------------------------------------        

      Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

               So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

                So I could have a new one everyday.

--------------------------------    

Doctor:  Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

   Wife:  When must I give them to him?

Doctor:  They are for you

-------------------------------      

   Wife:     I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

------------------------------

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

                So I bought 3 movie tickets.

      Wife:  Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

----------------------------       

      Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

--------------------------        

Question: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

  Answer: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

 -------------------------  

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

    You know, I was a fool when I married you.

    The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

Techno jokes !!

Marriage Software

This is what a guy wrote to our systems analyst
(Marriage Software Division):
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected
Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable
resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems
initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as 'Boys' Night out 2.5' and 'Golf 5.3' no longer
run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate
selected 'Saturday Rugby 6.3' always fails and 'Saturday Shopping 7.1'
runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst
attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to 'Girlfriend 7.0', but uninstall
doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

..... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding
of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1..0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY
AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is
impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child
Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal
with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems
occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the..... C:\
APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the
*Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of
times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to
normal. Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional
Software such as 'Flowers 2.0' and 'Chocolates 5.0' or 'HUGS\ KISSES 600.0'
or 'TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0' or even Eating Out Without the Kids
7.2.1' (if Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install 'Secretary 2.1' (Short Skirt
Version) or 'One Nightstand 3.2' (Any Mood Version), as this is not a
supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.

...serious jokes!

Hard Facts

By Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea

Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

 Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

 Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.

 A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells

 her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

Three FASTEST means of Communication :

 1. Tele-Phone

 2. Tele-Vision

 3. Tell a Woman 

Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE... 

_________________________________

Chinese names changed

A Chinese family of 5 , named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu

decided to immigrate to the United States.  

In order to get a visa,  they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck.   

Bu became Buck. 

Hu became Huck. 

Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

______________________________________

Handful of peanuts


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them.'
___________________________

The fireman
The fireman comes home and tells his wife:
In the quarter we have an excellent system. When playing the first add-on siren is for in teams, with the second siren, then, down the column and climb down to the third siren, Tank Truck and out.
 So, from today, when I say "first horn" strips the clothes, "the second siren" going to bed and "third siren" make love.
The next day the fireman comes home and shouts: "the first siren," the woman takes the clothes, then shouts "second siren" the woman lie down in bed and finally shouts "third siren" and begin to make love.
After few minutes the woman shouted "fourth siren" and the fireman exclaimed:
What the hell is this "fourth siren?
And the woman says:
Conduct more hose because the fire is far!
_______________________

Did the priest lie?
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her:
Woman: "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Priest: "Of course. What may I do for you?"
Woman: "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.... Under your robe perhaps?"
Priest: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
Woman: "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

Custom Officer: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
Priest: "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
The official thought this answer strange.
Custom Officer:
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Priest: "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Custom Officer: (Roaring with laughter, said) "Go ahead, Father." Next!

Now... truly, did the priest lie?

...some Jokes

Who said men CAN'T think quickly!!!

A husband and wife were travelling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town. After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too

tired to continue. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750. The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price.

The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to  the Manager.

The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference centre, and they featured spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, Cape Town, Durban perform here, " he explained. No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use  it!"

"Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager. 

"But we didn't!!" exclaimed the now rather angry man.

The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay. He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was

surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But sir," he said," this cheque is made out for only R200!"

"That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager. 

"Well," the man replied, "She was here, and you could have." 

                                                                   

  'Happy Birthday, buddy!'        

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

        'Yes What can I do for you?'

        'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there.'

        'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

        The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but; find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

         Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

        'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'  'Yeah!'

        'Did they chop your firewood?'

         'Yep!' 

         'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

__________________________

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

 walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

 "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 The pharmacist asked, "Why in this world do you need cyanide?"

 The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,

 "Lord have mercy! I cannot give you cyanide to kill your husband. That is against the law! I will lose my license!

 They will throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

 ABOSOLUTELY not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 Guess what happened!

Guess what happened!

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You did not tell me you had a prescription.

 __________________________________

Mississippi

Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal

A bus stop and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.



The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."


The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.


"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.


"Who talkin'about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."
__________________________________

MARITAL FEED BACK

Sent by Yodit Arefaine - Eritrea

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting

married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit

worried about how their sex life would get started, she made

them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with

a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Nakuru two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter..

The second girl sent the card from Mombasa a week after the wedding and the card read:

"Benson & Hedges".

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes and

she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long. King Size."

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon to Kakamega.

Mom waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words " Kenya Airways."

Mom took out her latest Standard Newspaper Classified pages, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for KQ. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."!!!

Mom fainted...

___________________________

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her  salary!!!     
Dear Bo$$   

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
 
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
 
Your$ $incerely,
 
 Marian $hih

 The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
  
Dear Marian
 
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet...
 
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
 
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
   
Yours truly,
Manager

Matured Jokes

TWO NUNS
Sent by Gershon YAO-DABLU - Ghana

A Month Overdue!

Sent by Justine Hingha Lamboi (Mr.) - Sierra Leone

Mr. Sharma comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the

electricity bill has not been paid.

“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma?”

"Yes... speaking"

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"

" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you that you are overdue"

"I know that ..let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,

rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious.

All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

The husband collapsed!!

-----------------------------------------------

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
---------------------------------------------------

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent Somalatha home for the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:Weight loss program for men
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently.....
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her. When he finished and still panting, the wife said " You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No indeed, Madam" said the gardener!!!.
----------------------------------------------------


A bloke calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing,  he finally gives up.


The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lbs. as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape  and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four
days, the same  routine happens with him gradually getting in better and
better shape .


Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program .
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.


The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass
is mine.'


He lost 63 pounds that week...
__________________________
Grammar lesson
 Sent by Armanda D. - Portugal


Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.
So eventually the doctor refers him to an old Gypsy medicine woman.
The medicine woman says, "I can cure this." That said, she throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
She collects the ash, then she says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine woman replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine woman had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition
________________________________
A Test of  'Fidelity'

Sent by Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.

 It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and quickly headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." 

And the moral of this story is: 

Always keep your condoms in your car ! 

(Caution: Do not quote)

---------------------------------------------
Good manners !
Sent by Yodit Arefaine - Eritrea


During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
" Michael , if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted...
__________________________

NECROPHILIA!

Sent by Justine Lamboi - Sierra Leone

A man was brought before the judge and charged

With NECROPHILIA i:e making love to a dead person.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.

Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE Good reasons:

1. It’s none of your damn business;

2. She is my wife; and.....

3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way when we are on!"

ACQUITTED AND DISCHARGE !

_______________________________

Smart Bob 

Sent by Hiyab Tsegay - Eritrea

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.

‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’

Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.

________________________________

SERVICE
Sent by Armanda Delgado - Portugal

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service', as in:
    Internal Revenue   'Service' 
    US Postal  'Service' 
    Telephone 'Service' 
    TV 'Service'  
    Civil  'Service' 
    State, City, County & Public  'Service' 
    Customer 'Service' 
This is not what I  thought 'service' meant.  But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.  

BAM!  It all came into focus.  Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am?

____________________________

The sound proof kitchen

Sent by Kouassi Etien - Cote D'Ivoire

Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine
of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss was suspicious and decided to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water).

Bakari as usual, drank the wine and topped it
up with water (to replace what he drank).
But unfortunately for him, immediately he added
water the pastis became milky. And when the Boss
Came back and noticed it, he knew he had nailed
Bakari. Bakari also knew that he was in big trouble and decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home.

The Boss told his wife and said he would call Bakari to come and acknowledge his evil ways.

"Bakari!", he called from the sitting room. Bakari answered: "Yes, Boss"."Who drank my pastis?".
No answer. The Boss asked again: still no answer.
Then the Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there:
"Are you insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "
Bakari retorted that "when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything at all, except your name"

“Is that so?” asked the boss, "Okay, you stay beside  my wife, while I’ll go in the kitchen, and you will ask me a question ".Bakari accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Bakari shouted:
"Boss".
He answered: "Yes, Bakari".
"Who goes into the maids’ bedroom when your wife is not there? "
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
No answer.
Third time; "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"

The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting
"Wonders will never cease"  Bakari, It is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except ones name.

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Shameful suspicion